Saturday, December 30, 2006
In the time that has gone by since we got her, she has improved immensely. She likes to be with me the most. She will lay at my feet when I am on the computer or next to my bed if I am there if I don't invite her up.
She seldom has accidents in the house but that is because I don't give her to opportunity. She will deliver the 3rd week of Jan. How fun! We will be having "Schmorkies". A mix of a pure bred Shi Tzu and a Yorkie/Maltese mix. How cute. I found out that a lot of people prefer mixes. They have fewer health problems, allergies and seem heartier. They go for about $400.00 on the Internet!!
Since we had Cookie shaved, she has grown out very fluffy and cute. What an adorable little companion. I have started to watch the show, "Dog Whisperer". What a fascinating show and I have started to implement what I have learned and it has worked wonders! It's on the national geographic channel.
Well folks. I'll let you know!
Monday, December 25, 2006
Bry cleaned her up, I tore her sheets off and she got in bed with us. A half hour later, she needed to throw up again! Then, the kids wanted to get up at 5:30! No way! We told them to go back to bed. They did get up again at 6:30 and we let them stay up.
The gifts were a hit and we had so much fun opening them. Bry got me a sewing machine! I have wanted one for a very long time. My brother who is staying with us brought me beautiful, hand crafted silver earrings from Hawaii where he lives. Of course there were the lotions and bath stuff that I love. All in lavender. My favorite.
They are all watching Cars. The movie my brother bought the kids and the turkey is in the oven. It smells so good. I made homemade stuffing just like my mom always did. It smells heavenly. I still have to make a few other things to go with dinner but not until later. I did make pumpkin pies with Yolanda's recipe and they turned out fabulous! Except for the BLACK edges! I forgot to cover them with tinfoil! I couldn't believe it! I wanted it to be perfect! They still taste great though. We just can't eat the top edge.
Well, I guess that is all for now! It will be a wonderful day and if anything significant happens, i'll let you know!
Thursday, December 21, 2006
This is what it is supposed to look like the week of Christmas! The people in Colorado are pretty lucky to be having a white one.
Those of us here in BFE, Utah are not so lucky. YET!!! This December, it is a beautiful, dead, brown outside. Cold enough to make it unpleasant but not cold enough to wear heavy artillery.
I have so many memories of beautiful, snowy Decembers. I love the snow for one month and then I am ready for Florida, but Christmas just isn't Christmas without it.
My sister and I would wrap baggies on our doll's feet to go out to play in the snow. I remember how the dogs in the back yard would make paths in the deep snow to where they wanted to go. My sister had her big dog back there once who pounced on me, pinned me down in the trench and proceeded to lick my face. I was screaming for help. Now remember, I am only about 11 or 12 here. My older sister came out, saw me, laughed and went back inside. She was sadistic back then. I don't remember who saved me but I was scarred for life.
Some of my best memories were of family nights when we would go to Hannah Holbrook Elementary as a family to slide down the hill. I was huge and steep and SO MUCH FUN!! We would go home freezing. My little sisters and I would get into the tub together and it would hurt so bad while our skin thawed out. My Dad always hated activities like this but every once in a while, Mom would talk him into it.
I love the winter time for short periods. It is a time for children. A magical world of wonder. May we all experience a white Christmas this year! Merry Christmas!
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Anyway, I did it in blue. Blue is such a soothing color for me. IT is in two tones. A light blue and then a slightly darker blue on the wall with the window. I rearranged a little and it seems like there is so much more room in this little space of mine. I have to have my computer desk in here because there are only 2 phone jacks in the whole upstairs!! One in the kitchen and one in my room! How stupid, I know, but I didn't build it!
I love to organize and I threw a lot away and am giving a lot to the DI. I love a clean, immaculate room. I love neatness and it is so unusual in my house! My poor hubby. I've put him to work putting on the base boards. He's out there now nailing away. I did sand and paint them though.
I want it to be beautiful for Christmas. I am so proud of the work I have done. Normally, I would never have taken on a job like painting my whole house. I think I am going through that change you go through when you are maturing in years! I have heard that in each stage of life, a whole new level of confidence comes through. I feel motivated now in my life than I have ever felt before. Maybe it's that I have realized that if I want something done, I have to do it myself and am willing to now.
I don't want to get old. I want the wisdom and experience that comes with age but I am wanting to keep the body I have. Smooth skin, strong muscles, health. I know it doesn't have to change that much but there is really no way to stop the aging process all together. Where is that fountain of youth when you need it?
Well, I AM exhausted so I am going to sign off. Have a wonderful night!
Monday, December 18, 2006
My friend Tash has this book called “Life is your dance”. It's a kind of a beautiful scrapbook you fill out. These are the questions in it and I loved them so here we go.
LIFE IS YOUR DANCE MEME
My favorite music: Music that inspires me! I love to feel energetic and music that makes me feel this way is some of my favorite but I love it all!
My favorite song lyrics: “I am no mermaid” and here they are.
We went down to the edge of the water
You were afraid to go in.
You said there might be sharks out there in the ocean
and I said I'm only goin' for a swim.
I was swimming around in circles
I wasn't always in view
You said we might get into red flag danger
and I am alone when I'm not with you.
But I am no mermaid! I am not mermaid!
I am no fisherman's slave
I am no mermaid! I am no mermaid!
I keep my head above the waves!
We were swinging from the center of the ceiling.
you were afraid to give in.
I said, “ I know I'll always live for this feelin'”
and you closed your eyes and said “never again!”
I was dancing in the middle of the desert.
you said “we'll burn under the hot sun”.
I said “I'd rather be the color of pleasure
Than watch like you from under the thumb."
repeat 1st verse
I love this song because it reminds me to LIVE and not be afraid of life! The music rocks too! It's from the soundtrack of Message in a bottle.
Peaceful places: I think my number one peaceful place is in my bath tub, I also feel this way in the mountains and if I want to stay clean, the temple.
Peaceful people My cute little, old neighbor Joyce. She is 50 years older than me but seems my age. She makes me feel calm
Some of my favorite people I really enjoy my kids. They are so much fun. They are happy and love to play. I really enjoy happy people. They are my favorites!
I went looking for beauty and I found Women. I truly believe we are on this earth to make it beautiful. It wasn't until God made Eve that he commanded they go and dress this garden. Ever wondered why? Hello! Women are the cherry on top, the frosting on the cake, the last, best thing.
If I am not I, who will I be? I can't be who I want to be. I don't want to work that hard. I know these women I admire and they WORK. They make the world better and I am not sure if I am capable of what they do. I don't want to find out and then feel like a failure! That's just the honest truth.
Glorious loves of my life -Oh my, The first would be Stephen. I still love him. I still think about him and hope he is happy. We met at SUSC and he was my first real love. Then came a few others here and there but the next one I really loved was Jared. I still love him too. Sometimes I really miss them. I have a hole in my heart where they no longer are. I know he too is married and happy I hope. I met Jared on my mission and wanted to marry him after we came home and dated. and we were very much in love. I was at the temple when I was specifically told I was not supposed to marry him. I broke his heart and he couldn't stay in contact. It was terrible. The next true love was my beautiful Bryan. The rest is history.
Parts of the world I would like to explore: I want to go to Europe and I would love to see Africa. I love our earth and really want to see it all.
Best memories of home I love to remember the holidays. My mom made them wonderful. I loved sleeping with my little sister and we would tickle each others arms. Actually, she would tickle mine and then I would pretend to be asleep. I remember playing dolls and sitting under the stairs with Gram going through old boxes of memories.
Things I love I love baby animals, good books, Thunderstorms, Sunsets, watching horses run, sexy thighs (men's thighs if you please), good music and good food.
Where is your quiet place? My quiet place in is my mind. On the coast of Oregon on a white horse. This has always been since I was a small child. I don't know why I created it but I go there when I am afraid or lonely.
New ways to show someone I care I don't know. I will have to think about this one.
My brightest moments When I am singing I think. I feel happiest when I sing. I hope I was one of the Heavenly Choirs that sang when Christ was born. I was at a Messiah sing-in the other night and when it came the the Halleujia chorus, It was so powerful and wonderful that there are NO words to describe the feelings I had. I want that feeling for the rest of eternity!
I used to be afraid of... but now... The dark. I used to have the hall light on as a kid. Now, I can't stand to have ANY light showing in the room and that is hard when you have so many electronics in your room! My husband thinks I am a little anal about it and he is probably right!
I will keep in touch with So far, I have already failed at this one. I have a hard time keeping in touch it seems.
flowers that I like best daisies, daffodils, anything dainty and beautiful. I really love them all but the little ones and the spring ones. I also love lavender.
the smartest thing I ever said to myself I am still trying to think of that! I have a few mantras that I say to myself. I like to tell myself that I am a great mom. Hopefully it will be a self fulfilling prophesy!
what I like about myself I feel like I am friendly and that I can like pretty much anyone. I have boobs now too and I like that! I was not so well endowed before my kids!
my wishes I wish to be able to kneel before God and not be ashamed of myself at the end. I wish for ALL my children to be strong in their testimonies of Christ. This is the truth. My heart breaks for those parents who's kids have chosen a different path. I so hope my kids will be faithful. I am trying my best to teach them but who knows? I also wish to be a marathon runner one day!
my kindred companions I only have a few really close friends that I tell everything to. You know who your are. I hope it always stays this way. I love you and thank you for loving me even though you know me so well.
Saturday, December 16, 2006
I was a kid once and I know what can happen at sleep overs. It's just like they say, the Holy Ghost goes to bed at midnight. Now granted, things happen in broad daylight too but I would say most happens in the dark. Kids are curious and will play nasty sometimes, I am aware of that and it is a choice they make to do. Then there are the times when it is not their choice and would definitely be termed sexual abuse.
I have a dear friend who's son, when he was about 10, went to stay with his dad for a few weeks. That dad had remarried to his ex-sister-in-law. She had 2 kids. So all three kids were cousins and step brothers and sisters. They were all within a few years of each other. Well, one night, this boy was woken up to his cousin doing something VERY bad to him. The 10 year old was mortified and did stop it but was ashamed to tell anyone. He went into a depression, became closed, his grades went down and no one new why. It was 2 years later when this boy and his mom happened to be watching Oprah, and the show was about this very thing, that he said something. Come to find out that the boy who did it too him had had it done to him and so on. These children had something happen to them that they will NEVER be able to forget. It will always be there.
I don't want this for my kids. Yes, it may seem over protective but I would rather they miss out than have to heal the scars for the rest of their lives. I have seem what sexual abuse can do to a person. My mom was abused, my 2 older sisters, my 2 closest friends. It destroys.
The reason it is on my mind is that my little sister wanted our 2 boys to get together Who never see each other much. They are very close. I love her son and he is wonderful and I really don't think anything would happen but we have already made this rule. My sister says she supervises but no one can supervise when they are asleep in their own bed.
Many people feel safer because they say they don't let their children go just anywhere. Do you realize that MOST children are abused by family and close friends? It is seldom someone who is not known well and you can never know. It doesn't matter if a man is a returned missionary, or bishop or priest or whatever. We all know that from the news.
You can't shield your kids from everything, but there are somethings we can do. One of my hero's in life is the mom of one of my best friends. Her name is JoAnn Hibbert-Hamilton. She is kind of famous in the church for being a child advocate. I spent a lot of time at her house as a young teen. She never let her kids have sleepovers and I hated that. I thought she was a prude and over protective. It drove me nuts because there were no such rules at our house. Now I admire her conviction when others ridiculed her. Her kids did have their own struggles but in the end, I think they are all active in the gospel. In my family, out of 9 kids, I am the only one. Hmmmm.
Anyway, I had told my sister that we'd better not. If I say yes here, I have to say yes there. Unless it's a family trip our camp out, the answer is no.
Friday, December 15, 2006
Anyway, I am in a quandry. Ever since I had my IUD taken out, I have been very hormonal. They say it doesn't affect you systemically but I am beginning to disagree. I totally notice a difference.
I am at a crossroads in life. For the last 2 months I have been totally fine about not having any more kids. This month I feel different about it. My sister thinks it just homones and to IGNORE them!!! She thinks I have too much on my plate already and she is right. Yet........
Bryan thinks I want to fill a void. That is true too. I feel like I am a great mom except to my adopted baby who drives me nuts. I feel terrible admitting it but I don't know how to change it. I keep remembering some prophet saying how LDS women will be the only ones willing to have more that 1 or 2 kids in the last days. I almost feel like I am not fulfilling my calling if I don't have more kids. I love my babies and I would love to have another baby, yet, I really don't need the stress and more work that comes with it.
None of my prayers are being answered about it in a way I understand. I have been wanting to give away all my darling baby clothes and things to others who may need them and yet I cannot bring myself to do it! It's making me crazy and it is constantly on my mind, consuming all my thoughts.
I do wonder if it is because it is that time when the hormones are raging. So the question is, how do I know what I should do? I need an angel to come down and advise me.
Bry doesn't want more of course, but he didn't want more after our first so I don't really trust his opinion in that! The reason it's all coming to a head is because I want to get another IUD. I can't stand these hormonal fluctuations, worrying about getting pregnant, and that awful monthly you know what. I had forgotten how awful.
So, poor me. That's my day!
Monday, December 11, 2006
Anywho, I think I may be done painting for now. I could still do a little more and I need to before Christmas but I am just about all painted out. I don't know if I can lift another roller! I think I may have overdosed a bit!
I am totally ready for Christmas and I love my new dining table. I just bought it. I have always wanted one and always felt it just wasn't a priority. Well, I am having Christmas dinner at my house this year and really want something a little nicer than the old table that has unscruboffable food on it! Actually, it's not that bad but ugly anyway. I'll put a picture on as soon as I can get my lazy but up and take one!
I've missed you all! So sorry I haven't been around. You all make my life so much more wonderful. I love you and I sure hope this season is wonderful for you too!
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
I have found that I am very picky now as to what I put on my walls. I want a certain look and I have given quite a bit of my old stuff the DI. They just seemed out dated and white trashy. I went shopping at Tai Pan trading company with my sister and bought lots a cute things. Love that place.
We are all battling that flu/cold that is going around. My throat is burning as we speak. Actually it's not my throat. It's more like the nasal passages at the back of my nose. Too much info?
Jake is home from school and Heidi is coughing and so is Gabe. Seth is the only one not sick. Yet. Poor Bryan goes to work everyday for the last week feeling like crap. We got this from that little foster baby we took care of for the week. He ended up going to live with an aunt.
Anyway. I still have two bathrooms and my room to paint. I don't know if I will get to my room. I am tired and there are a lot of heavy things to move in a small space in here. Well, I think I will sit down and fold a batch of laundry while I watch Judging Amy. I love that show. Bye now.
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
I love color and I have been living in a pure white house for a long time. We are putting down baseboards because the house didn't come with them. I hope it will look good after it's all done.
I was thinking how "they" say that your home should be a bit a heaven, like the temple. Well, one reason the temple is so peaceful and conducive to the spirit is because it is clean and beautiful. So I am working on making my home more beautiful. like a piece of heaven.
I am affected by my surroundings. When my house is a mess, I feel ornery. When my house is clean, I feel refreshed and happy. I walk into my living room now and just having a coffee and end tables makes such a difference. It looks complete. It stays neater. The kids even try harder to keep it nice. Well, everyone but Heidi. She still likes all her stuffed animals to take naps on the couches under the arm cover things.
I wish I could show you a picture but I left my camera at my sister's on Thanksgiving. Anyway, I'll show it to you all when I get it back! Happy Holidays!
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
There is something so sweet and beautiful I feel when Bry brings Heidi in in the morning to snuggle in bed with me. She is the only child upstairs with us and he gets up so early. He peeks in at her and half the time she is sitting up with those big black eyes blink blink blinking at him! So he carries our little fairy in and puts her to bed with me.
We snuggle and she caresses my face and tells me she's the princess and that I am the queen. She says she loves me over and over and wants me to sing "rock a by baby". That is her favorite song. She is so skinny that I could wrap my arms around her twice. I cannot explain what I feel for her.
She is my only daughter and our relationship is a little different than the ones I have with my boys. She is so girly and feminine and I love it. I wish she could stay 4 a little longer.
Sugar and spice and everything nice. That is what she is. Little girls are so special and I know God wants us all to be safely taken care of by loving parents.
I read in an LDS book once that the reason men are given the priesthood and not women is to make them equal to us. We have such a greatness that men cannot even begin to obtain on their own. This makes a lot of sense to me. Not in an arrogant way, but on my mission, I noticed how most of the branches and wards were made up of women and children. Women have a natural tendency (usually) to be spiritual. Men need that extra push is seems in so many cases. The priesthood gives that that extra push and desire to serve and to love God. Thank heavens for that.
May god bless all women and mothers who really are the losers in the wars and abuses that go on in this world. I pray it will all be made right soon.
Sunday, November 19, 2006
I've been sitting here looking for land in So. Dakota. We have relatives that beg us to move there . I don't particularly want to move right now but land is cheap right now. I found 3700 acres for sale for 55,000. We could at least have hunting grounds for Bry. I am going to check it out. It may just be located in no mans land!
I have my friend's dog over here trying to make babies with cookie. I found out that she's a limited registration, meaning, she can be registered with the AKC but none of her litters can so I am not going to worry about finding a pure bred Shi Tzus. Rocky, the male, is a Yorkie mix. They are going for at least $700 right now! WOW! Anyway, Cookie and Rocky will make the cutest babies.
Cookie is so adorable. Still. I think she is probably potty trained by now but I haven't given her a chance to really mess up. She is so sweet.
Our relief Society is going to a dinner/play in December. I just love this presidency. They plan so many fun activities. Yes, they cost, but I am willing to pay for girl time with my friends. Plus, it's only 7 dollars. I think it is important to hang with the gals. I love my ward. Wonderful women. Well, I hope you Sunday is good too. See ya!
Thursday, November 16, 2006
This year, I turned on the radio the day after Halloween and Christmas music was playing! It irritated me but my kids loved it! I thought to myself, "why be so unbendable?" Now, every time we are all in the car, we listen to holiday music. It is growing on me! I am actually putting up my tree this weekend.
I have a love/hate relationship with this tree. It is fake but beautiful. It is a 7 1/2 foot noble. I love that I don't have to remember to water it, if it is too dry, or if a fire will start in it! I don't like that it is not real, that it doesn't smell like heaven and that we don't get that fun night out to pick it out.
We could just have two trees but then I would have to worry if it was too dry ect...! I want this season to last a long time. I hate the feeling that I put up my tree and take it down so fast. This year I am only starting a week early so I don't feel to weird about it.
I so hope that your Christmas season is as wonderful as I am planning on mine being! Have a happy day!
Monday, November 13, 2006
Cookie is still beloved by all. She has wormed her way into my heart. She has been so easy and is potty training so well.
I had always heard that dogs or cats are so theraputic and that they help relax you and bring peace. I thought that was a load of crap for a very long time. My big, hairy golden retrievers were not relaxing to me. They shed like crazy, Jenny tries to eat off the table and is sneaky and is a submissive pee-er. She drives me nuts. I swear she has got to be the stupidest dog I have ever had. Duke is wonderful but hairy, and usually dirty from playing outside and started to pee in my basement after we babysat the neighbors dog when she went potty down there. We couldn't break him of the habit so he became an outside dog and so is Jenny. I feel nothing but stress most of the time with them. And guilt for not playing as much as I should with them. Although I do take them running with me. Which is hard because I am still training Jenny to heal.
Anyway, the point is, Cookie is very soothing to me. I feel realxed and at peace when I stroke her and watch tv. I love it. She is so sweet and quiet and gentle and loves the kids even when they won't leave her alone. She is sitting on my lap right now as I type this. It's so cute. I love this dog and I really love that she doesn't shed, eat off the table, pee when she sees me, or cause me stress.
I truely believe she is an answer to my prayers. I had been praying for some kind of help to bring more cheerfulness into our house. I felt like we needed a little more happiness but I didn't know how to go about it. Cookie is not what I was planning on for an answer but here she is and there is so much less contention. Amazing. I feel very blessed.
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
I was over there today and she is so sweet. VERY well manered. Doesn't bark or bite and believe, me, if she were a biter, I'd know! I had to hold her down while Tash tried to trim all the knots out of her hair! I think I'll take her in to get groomed! Anyway, I have always wanted a little lap dog to cuddle with. Duke and Jenny would love to sit on my lap but they weigh too much! Plus, they are outside dogs. Great to go running with.
My kids are in love already. They think it is so fun! I hope I still thinks she is fun as the days go by! Right now, it is only the trust issue of not going potty in my house which so far, so good. Anyway, Maybe we'll breed her and get some cute "little" cookies. That is what we named her. The name she came with she didn't seem to know anyway!
Well, thats all folks!
Friday, November 03, 2006
This kid who we will call Skyler has always seemed like a little snot to me. I know him well since I have been his webelos leader for the last year. Well, almost everyday J comes home saying he is so sick of Skyler and wants to beat him up. Now, I don't think J really would do that but I know that feeling of wanting to.
I called Sky's mom and told her a little bit about what J was saying and feeling and wondered if we could work it out. They just came over. We talked for almost and hour trying to get to the bottom of the problem. This other boy basically said that J shows off and that he doesn't like it. He said he did not want to try to be J's friend and that so and so doesn't like him either and that they don't want to be his friends. All this in front of J. He also said he doesn't want to work it out. He doesn't want anything to do with J.
What a brat.
J said that the experience was the worst thing for him and that he would rather die than do that again. It was humiliating for him. I sat and hugged him and told him it was necessary and that now, hopefully, his mom could see what a brat he is being.
It is so hard to be a kid and to want friends and fit in. Kids can be so mean to each other. I think Skylar and Jacob's problem is that they compete. When one is feeling like he is losing, he lashes out and then the other gets mad and it spirals. I know Jacob is not completely innocent but he has been trying to be friends with Skylar at school. Jacob will ask if they can be friends now and skylar will say, "I don't know" and walk away. Jacob can't stand to have people not like him. It really bothers his yellow personality. I know. I am a yellow too!
J and I both know that he can be loud and obnoxious sometimes but let me tell you, I love that boy. He is one of my best friends. He always loves to play and have fun.
I told him that he needs to be the bigger man. Try to let it go when Skylar is mean to him at school and not to talk, or touch or communicate in any way. I don't know how that will work since they will be together through out scouts and church activities, but hopefully, they can work it out. I wish I could protect my kids from hurt and dissapointment. I hate to see how it hurts Jacob to feel singled out. He has a cousin who I think has a problem with him but won't talk about it. It really bothers me but there's not much I can do. I don't want to say anything to Jacob. He senses it but doesn't say anything either. Oh well. Such is life and learning to get along.
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Anyway, we are all just getting out of the tub, yes, we have communal bathing at our house. I think the Greeks had the right idea! Bryan isn't usually on board with it, but it works for the rest of us!
Bry has gone hunting for the weekend. I hope he gets something. I have acquired the taste from him. When we were first married, there was NO WAY I would eat venison. But let me tell you, it's all in how you cut it up and cook it. Saute it in white wine with onions and mushrooms and it is to die for over rice. I could be a pioneer just fine!
My neighbor just called. She said the school but was just rear ended in front of her house! How could you miss a big yellow behind in front of you??? Anyway, all the kids are fine and were taken to school on another bus. How embarrassing for the person who hit it! Everyone knows everyone around here! They'll never live it down!!!
I am trying to talk myself into going for a run on the treadmill. I am having a hard time being motivated lately. Amazing that the growing tire around the waist isn't motivation in itself, isn't it? I would so much rather go outside but all the kids are up now and it is either too late or too dark! I just read an article in my running magazine about a guy who runs in the dark every morning. He goes at 5am year round. I would be too afraid of a mountain lion eating me! I need to do something though. I did run a mile without stopping a couple of days ago so it is coming back fast and it feels so good now. No pain. Any ideas? How about a reward to the Caribbean? I think I would work hard for that!!!! I am definitely into rewards! That is why I did so well at Mary Kay for a while. I didn't do it for the money, I loved the prizes! I drove my hubby crazy!
Well folks, Thank you all for your support and I hope you have a great day!
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
I wrote what I did, like I did because I know that the person I wrote it about will probably read it and I feel like I can't say what I want to face to face because I am not listened to. There really is probably no right or wrong here so I don't know how it got blown out of proportion like it did but If people have a problem with me, well, sorry.
If you haven't figured it out, it deals with family and family is always ruder and harsher than necessary it seem like. None of my friends would even think of talking to me like my sisters do sometimes. Thank heavens for those friends who know how to hold their tongues even when they might want to say something critical. That is something people need to learn to do better in families.
The sad thing is that the kids pay for it. My kids are best friends with their cousins and yet I have no desire to spend time with family at the moment. I am sure they think it is all me and that I am being......whatever, but I am so tired of ALWAYS being the first to apologize. It just doesn't matter enough to me at the moment. I have a great life and if my sister wants to be a part of it, she needs to be a little nicer. Is that rude to say? I don't need the friendship of people who constantly critisize me or make me feel like a failure or make me feel less than.
I need to be around positive people. I can't hang with poeple who bring me down and I have found some wonderful friends here where I live who I adore. Than heavens for them. They are women who love me and know me well, and accept me for who I am and what I am. I cherish them and you all know who you are. That includes you too Yolanda!
I have just about had it with self righteous people who think they know how it is. I am just going to vent here for a minute and if you want to click out, it won't hurt my feelings.
My husband and I own our own business. There is no such thing as "Saturday". We WORK every day but Sundays and sometimes even then! We don't have the luxury of a "day off" and the few times when Bry doesn't have to work on Saturday, we have SO MANY things that need to get done that have been waiting for so long that we try to get to those things.
I am SO sorry we can't go help others every weekend like some people think we should! I am so sorry we are such selfish people that we can't help like other, more wonderful, giving people can. Maybe if we got a big fat salary check every month, we wouldn't feel such pressure to work every day. If Bry isn't out there, we don't eat and we don't pay bills. If I am not here at the computer working the paper work, we don't eat or pay the bills. That is in between everything else I have to do.
I think the people out there who judge others for their lack of "helping" have no idea what someone elses life is like. It is very easy to judge and say " I am just as busy as you are". That may be true, but unless you are completely self employed, you don't know the stress that comes with "not working". Especially for someone like Bry who has angry people and contractors breathing down his neck DAILY because construction isn't going as fast as they want it to.
My husband works harder than any man I know. He works longer hours and comes home dead and the time he does have off are going to be spent with his babies before they go to bed. If he makes it home before bed time!!!!!!!!!
Until you have walked in another's shoes, don't act like you know everything!!
Sunday, October 29, 2006
We have to leave in 1/2 an hour and Bryan is still in his feeding clothes. (clothes he feeds the horses in). I just yelled at him and threatened to kill if he makes us late! The next thing he did was give my 4 year old and open face sandwich with "Nutella" on it AFTER I had already dressed her in her church clothes. That's just about grounds for murder.
My husband is such a beautiful, smart man that it amazes me he can be such an idiot sometimes!!!!
Speaking of idiots, today I teach the gospel doctrine class. Not last week like I thought. I went to church last week all prepared to go and then found out after I got there that it was this week I was supposed to teach! The good thing is that I am completely prepared and that nervous, scared feeling I had last week is gone. Guess I used that all up last week.
This week I am actually excited to teach. It's a great subject and I understand what I am supposed to teach. I hope the spirit is there too!
I got some new Birkenstocks that have a high arch. The normal ones feel really good but I have always felt like I could use a little higher arch on the right side. They are talking a little getting used to but so did the origional ones I got. I couldn't walk after wearing those for the first time! Plus they stretch out that tight tendon on my right foot.
Well folks, I hope you all have a lovely Sunday! Catch you all later!
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
2) WERE YOU NAMED AFTER SOMEONE? Nope
3) DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Not really. It looks like boys writing. A young boys writing!
4) LUNCHMEAT? I hate to admit it, but I do like a good bologna sandwich with a little mayo and mustard.
5) KIDS? got 4
6) COULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOURSELF? Of course. I like me most of the time!
7) DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL? Yep. Right here on blogger.com
8) DO YOU USE SARCSAM A LOT? NEVER!!!!!
9) DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Yes, and they're mine MINE MINE!!!!
10) WOULD YOU BUNGEE? I would. I think that would be thrilling.
11) WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? I like frosted mini wheats, Grapenuts, wheat checks
12) DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES BEFORE TAKING THEM OFF? Yes I do. Always. I want them ready for the next time I put them on.
13) DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Physically or mentally?
14) WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR? Peppermint. You know, that candie cane kind?
15) SHOE SIZE? I refuse to admit it!
16) RED OR PINK? Both. Love 'em
17) WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? It's hard to say. I don't like my nose, my extra set of hips, the hair that grows out of my chin periodically and my flat behind!
18) WHAT DO YOU MISS THE MOST? My mom
19) LAST THING YOU ATE? a banana and it tasted too sweet.
20) WHAT COLOR OF PANT & SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? blue jeans and socks. No shoes at the moment.
21) WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? "Thomas and friends" believe me, it's for my little kiddies.
23) WHAT COLOR OF CRAYON WOULD YOU BE? I would be one of those rainbow cayons with a munitude of shades!
24) FAVORITE SMELL? lavender, lilacs, roses, and lever soap.
25) WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? My sexy man!
26) THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO? eyes and muscles! Sorry, but it's true!
27) DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON THAT SENT THIS TO YOU? yep! That would be me!
28) FAVORITE DRINK? water. really and truely
29) FAVORITE SPORT? I love hiking and swimming the best although I do love to run.
30) HAT SIZE? very small. I can wear kids hats. Small brain I guess.
31) DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? I USED to! Got my eyes fixed a few years ago! LOVE IT!!!
32) FAVORITE FOOD? I don't have one. I could and would eat almost anything!
33) SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? both!!! I love scary movies and not many people will go with me! I love a happy ending though too. Makes my heart melt!
34) LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED AT THE THEATER? "Flyboys"
35) COLOR OF SHIRT YOU ARE WEARING ? burgandy
36) SUMMER OR WINTER? I'd have to say FALL!
37) HUGGS OR KISSES? depends on who they are with!
38) FAVORITE DESSERT? like I said. Anything!!!
39) WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING? "Jeruselm Interlude"
40) WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT? Seinfeld. Love that show.
41) FAVORITE SOUND? running bath water!
42) ROLLING STONE OR THE BEATLES? Beatles except when it's the rolling stones!
43) FURTHEST YOU'VE BEEN AWAY FROM HOME? Venezuela!
44) WHAT'S YOUR SPECIAL TALENT? I am a great lover!
45) WHEN AND WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Eugene, Oregon on July 14
This was a very long MEME, thanks for Listening. I would love to hear more about you.
I have always been a terrible journal keeper. My mother was the queen of journal keeping and she TRIED to instill that in all of us but I don't know how well it took. She'd be so dissapointed! I have a few journals, all of them unfinished and gathering dust.
Then, as I sat here looking at my blog site, I realized I have a whole years worth of journal entries right here. I decided to print them month by month and will keep them in a binder. It's not an everyday diary but it's something I can keep and my children will know what I was doing and going through that month in my life.
Back to my mom. She kept journals her whole life. President Kimball said it was a commandment and she did it. No questions asked. My brother has the whole set I think and let me tell you, I think I should get a few of those! I would love to sit down and read on any given day something she was going through at my age.
Journaling is very therapeutic and good for us but more importantly, it's for posterity. I WANT my kids to know me. I want them to know my faults and weeknesses as well as the good things. I want them to be able to learn from my mistakes and hopefully, not make the same ones. I want them to know how much I loved them when they were little and to remember all the fun things we did together.
I would give anything to be able to sit down with Mom and pick her brain about her life and experiences. She was so wise and I did not know it then. Now that I am a mother, I do know it. She tried so hard to do what's right and to teach us and I didn't get it. She had such a hard life and yet rose above it. Her father died when she was 2, she was sexually abused by her neighbor for years, she had no room of her own because her mom had borders, she had no money, She was super skinny and hated her body. It wasn't until she was 17 that she joined the church and started to change her life around. It made her boyfriend dump her but she kept going. She met a great guy who it turned out was on the rebound, married her and really wasnt' the best suited for her.
She lived her life for her kids and when she found out she had breast cancer, finally started to live her own dreams. But she only got 10 years of that. Maybe she got to die young because her life was so hard and yet she did her best to rise above it. Maybe God said, "you deserve a break. Come on home" I am sure she is much happier there then she ever was here but man I miss her. I think she would roll over in her grave if she could see what some of us kids are up to. Although, I am sure she knows. That's a scary thought!
This blog has turned out a little different than I planned it but that's ok. It felt good to write. Here's to you, Mom.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
It was the perfect evening though. Warm and sunny, yet cool enough to make it nice. So I relented. I put on my new running shoes for the first time. They felt pretty good. They are white and hot pink! J says they make his eyes hurt! But they felt the best at the store. I taught him how to stretch out and we started out in a slow jog.
It was immedieately obvious that he has a quicker pace even at his age than I do but I was going slow. I just wanted to test the waters and make sure nothing hurt. We only went a mile and he did great. So did I. No pain and it was very enjoyable. I was amazed. I am still holding my breath though because after 4 years, what looks too good to be true, usually is. ( I know, very cynical)
Today, (the day after) I am not sore. For the first time in I don't know how long, I am not sore the next day after a run. Still not getting my hopes up yet but feeling a LITTLE hopeful! I sure would like to be able to realize that dream of running.
I was talking to my brother in law who is a runner, he is doing the marathon in Antartica in Feb! Then on to Argentina for a marathon! How cool would that be? How exciting. That's living life!
Well, I'll keep you posted on my progress. I have a feeling my son will drag me out the door everyday until I am properly addicted once again. Today, I think we'll take Duke and Jenny.
Sunday, October 22, 2006
I had pretty much given up on running. I just couldn't take it anymore. I have tried for a year. My feet started to bother me in about Feb. I have battled and battled it. I have bought so many pairs of shoes , I can't even count them. I have tried over 10 pairs of insoles, none of them working.
Last Feb. my chiropractor told me I had flat feet. Yesterday I found out that I not only DON'T have flat feet, but that I have very high arches! I was told by 3 different people in one week to go to a place called "Striders." It is a specialty store just for runners. I had never heard of it before. They have that foot thing that you stand on and a computer that shows the pressure points and arch of your feet etc.. It is very cool.
When they first did it and told me I have high arches I said "um, I don't think so. I have flat feet." The gal laughed and said we could do it again. Same result. NO WAY!!! No wonder I have had so many problems. My high arches are trying to fall but I just need more arch support. I don't know why I didn't figure it out before. If I had flat feet, any support would have been enough. Instead, I could never get enough support for my arch. I have been wearing shoes to run in that completely hold my foot in a position that it totally wrong for me.
Now, I find it a little irritating that my chiro would tell me that. He couldn't have known. I do pronate a little on the right but not like I would if I really had flat feet.
It just goes to show that Heavenly Father lets us get to our lowest point before he lifts us up. I had given it up. I had tried to be a runner for 4 years and had finally said, "can't do it". Then, within the time of one week, 3 people tell me to go to this place. I took it for a sign. I obeyed and now look. I would have gone to my death believing profoundly in something that wasn't true. That has really shaken me.
How often in our lives do we do that. Hold tenaciously to something we believe to be rock solid only to find out we had been clinging to sand. Wow. It has been a real eye opener for me.
I challenge you this week to look at your lives and see if there is anywhere there that you do this. See ya!
Friday, October 20, 2006
I still might do that because there are things I would like to talk about that I don't want my family to know. Believe it or not, I do have secrets. I have kind of a loud mouth and love to talk and most people think I just open my mouth and everything comes out! At least my husband thinks that! But one thing I do feel good about is that I can keep a secret. A lot of people talk to me and confide in me because, they tell me, I don't judge them or gossip. I really like that and want to keep it that way.
But there are things I would love to get opinions on. It's crazy. I didn't realize how much I loved talking here on this blog about things that are private to me and none of you know me so it didn't matter to me what you thought. I miss that. I do care what my family thinks for some reason! Oh well, Well see! Adios!
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Monday, October 16, 2006
Here is the best part! I got sick. I had had a little cold creeping up on me for a few days and that night, I got a terible headache that was so bad that it made me throw up! I layed in bed and watched some tv but went to sleep at 8pm. From there, I have a sore throat and coughing that keeps me up all night! Poor B, he has it now too.
They had fun camping and Grandma and their cousins were there. What a good dad to take the kids camping all by himself.
B is the new 1st counciler in the sunday school pres. They were missing a teacher for the 14 year olds and I told him I'd love to be a sub. I love that age. Well, he put me as a sub for ANY sunday school class and now, I am teaching gospel doctrine this coming Sunday!!! I swore I would never teach that class! It is the one that really scares me for some reason! Anyway, I know the only way to get over that is to just do it and I believe things happen for a reason. It's Isaiah as most of you know. You know, the guy that nobody gets? He a poet that goes right over my head! I'll let you know how it goes!
Anyway, have a great week friends!
Friday, October 13, 2006
Tomarrow, our relief society is going on a field trip! I am so excited and have been looking forward to this for 2 months! We are carpooling down to Salt lake and will tour all the church history stuff, eat lunch at the lion house and see the newest church film that is out! We each only donate 5 bucks to the cause and the rest is free.
There are 56 women going! I think I will probably drive my new car! I LOVE spending time with friends. I know there are women out there who never do anything with friends or who even have any outside their families. I think this is very sad. Women friends can enrich our lives so much.
The best thing to happen to me was for all my sisters to move away. I never made a huge effort to have other close friends because I had my family. I love that I have made some girlfriends that are like sisters to me now. We can sit and chat on the phone for hours! Hard to believe? I am great at multitasking!
Anyway, What a gift our friends can be. Thank heavens for the gospel that brings us together. ANd other things too. It would be so much harder for me to meet people sinse I am normally so busy during the week. Well, gals, I hope you all have a great weekend and I hope you all comment on my blog!
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
I love that it has air conditioning. Niether of my past two cars did. I REALLY love that I can adjust the seat belt hight for me. Love that! I love that it is clean and my humble vow is that it will stay that way!
I love the two back sliding doors. How nice to get out and get G right behind me and not have to walk ALL the way around the car!
You know what it feels like? It's the same feeling I had when I came home from my mission and SO appreciated washing machines and hot water. We take so much for granted and we are so blessed here in America. We have no idea how easy we have it compared to so many others.
Just living in a house that does not have cement flooring is huge! Not to mention all the fun kitchen gadgets we enjoy here. I guess my point is that I feel like HF is giving me a break. Making my life easy and nice for a while. Little things that make a job easier and faster are so aprreciated in my world! You probably all feel the same way.
Our job as mothers and fathers is tough. We run, run, run, all day long and sometimes feel like no one appreciates it. I think He appreciates it. Waddle on!
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
It's sage green on the outside and gray on the inside. All we have to do is sign! That is the problem. I have a husband who works 24/7! I have ordered him to be home before the bank closes!
Anyway, The day has been beautiful. the sun is out and the trees are all gold and red and I love it! I which fall would last for 34 months. It is my favorite time of the year.. I feel happy to be so blessed.
I really feel like we were led to this car and these people.
Friday, October 06, 2006
I have already replaced my microwave and even though they say microwaves are not good for you or the food they cook, they are sure convenient and I just don't think I am ready to be a quaker.
Two down, one to go. The new minivan thing is slow going and I am being picky. I don't just want to buy the first thing I see. The one I like most is one I haven't seen yet, (thank you, Yolanda). (sex always works for me, hint hint). It's hard to talk your husband into new cars. Believe me, I know!
Well good friends, I gotta go. I hope you all have a great weekend.
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
I think we will bury it in the back yard.
We are in the market for a new one. I want an 8 seater, with all the bells and whistles for 8,000 or less! Think I can find one?
I was looking at a Chevy Venture but the back is too small. I have a friend who works at a dealership who is helping us but I think we could get a better deal buying person to person. Without all the dealership stuff.
It comes in threes you know. Within one week, my microwave broke (that we had had since we were married), my washing machine broke and now my car. Thank heavens we have our big old 82 van out back to cover my --- until we get a new one! It's a huge thing where the upholstry is torn, it's a noisy diesel and we love to travel in it.
Anyway, if anyone has good advice about minivans they want to share, or a favorite kind or whatever, I'd love to know!
It's so much fun to get something new. New for me at least! Ha!
I have actually been feeling really bad for the last day. I lost my temper with one of my kids and slapped him. It left a mark. I have been in a terrible depression since it happened last night.
I was raised in a home where physical violence was the norm. I swore mine would not be. Once in a while, and usually at a certain time of the month, I am so much more irritable. It is no excuse and makes me feel terrible. I don't know how to tame that monster who lives in me.
It seldom happens but when I do lose it, I feel like I can't control it. I want to stop this cycle. I know others sometimes fee it, especially those who were physically abused as kids. I know all of my brothers and sisters feel it at one time or another, I have seen it, which makes me not feel so alone, but I am.
I know I am responsible for my own actions and I swear it will never happen again and then almost out of nowhere, like a ghost, it comes.
I sometimes think I have this weaknes because it really does draw me closer to Heavenly Father. It makes me want to be stonger so I pray more, study the scriptures more ect...
Does anyone else out there struggle with this? I swore I wouldn't keep baring my sins online but this is what is one my mind right now. I don't want advice. I already know the answers. I need to go to the temple more, pray harder, give myself time outs, study the scriptures, sing a hymn. I know, I know, I know. I really think my problem is hormonal and that, I don't know how to fix. I will NOT take an antidepressant. That is only a bandaid anyway.
I hate to think that this will be a life long struggle. It is not fair to me or my kids. I am not going to a therapist either. I don't think they help and I have studied psychology all through school. I know enough to last a lifetime. They will just tell me it is my mother's fault anyway!
I really believe that only me and God can fix this. It makes me think of something I heard in conference last week. Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to anger.
Saturday, September 30, 2006
It's Saturday, early evening and I am waiting for the hubby to come home. We are going to see "the Guardian". I'm pretty excited because it seems like we never go out. Besides, I look hot and I can't wait for him to see!
I still love to dress up for him. I am wearing a lemon yellow summer sweater and jeans and for once, my hair tuned out really good. Gold, dangly earings and of course, my white birkenstock sandles. Sound lovely? I know the birks don't go but man, I love 'em.
I think it is so important to flirt and be sexy for your spouse. It makes them feel so....I don't know what word to use, but you know what I mean. Hopefully, it will lead to greater things! I love it that I have been married almost 12 years and I still get turned on when he gets out of the shower! I did marry a man who was tall and thin so it's not too hard.
I do hate his safety glasses he always wears but he looks at it as saving money! He has light brown eyes that twinkle when he sniles. Why is it that men can have crows feet and they look great. Women have them and we look old! I love that at 44, he still has all his hair. Not that that is important but it is so soft and beautiful.
He has great bicepts and get really embarrassed when I tell him so. He does not think he has a great body. He has really long legs. (length in jeans is 36) and a tight little bottom. So cute.
He has full lips and tan skin and man, I better stop!
Of course, he as the great personality and sweet spirit but I go for his body any time! If this is too much information, that is too bad! This is what is on my mind at the moment! I hope it is on yours too! (about your own husbands please!)
Thursday, September 28, 2006
The thing that bothers me and that I notice all the time, is that when I talk about what I believe or share my testimony and my feelings about the church or gospel, I am supposedly being preachy. When others and I find this mostly in Utah) want to talk about what they think is right or best or what they believe in, it's not preaching. But I am supposed to stand there and smile and agree and not contradict.
So often, especially in my family, everyone seems so sensitive about being "judged" by the people who are LDS. I find it funny that I feel the same way. It's OK for them to be adament in some belief, but if I am, I am preaching. I am the only active member in my family except for my Dad and possibly one sister. Out of 9 kids, I feel pretty lonely in my beliefs.
I am sure that my sisters will read this and be possibly offended. I don't mean it to be that way. I honestly don't judge them like they think I do. I may not agree with some of the things they do but I think they are all wonderful people and great parents. I guess what I am trying to say is that like Ophelia said, it goes both ways.
People not in the church feel judged for the way they live by the Mormons who live here. So do those of us in it feel judged at times by those who aren't LDS. I don't think there is anything wrong with saying I know the gospel is true for everyone. I can believe that. I have that freedomand that right. I also have the right to my own political opinions and child rearing tactics.
In a large family it is impossible to have a discussion about religion without someone feeling hurt. It is terrible that we do that. It is sad there are people who feel left out on both sides. How do we honestly live as one and at the same time, never feel this way? This is true for all religions around the world. How do we do it and is it even possible? I honestly don't know. I think that is one of the purposes of our existance. Learning to love without boundries.
That's all I can think of to say on the subject for now. I am truly sorry if I have hurt anyone with what I say. But I feel the need to live boldly and quit hiding my passions.
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
I had a crazy night where I woke up at 2:00am and layed there for an hour wide awake. So I got in my bathtub to read. Love that. I read a book called something like "Mobster to Mormon" I liked it. Fast and easy reading.
I got out and was still wide awake to read the Book of Mormon. I love that book! I feel so good good when I am studying it. Life is such a cycle. Those people were just like us. It is amazing to think about. Those people are crying "from the dust" for us to learn from their mistakes.
I heard something really interresting this week that has been on my mind alot. We were talking about Christ and how so many people who don't believe he was the son of God still think he was a great prophet or teacher. What I heard was this. Christ was either the biggest charlatan and lier that the world has ever had or he was who he said he was. He, himself claimed he was the son of God, the light and truth of the world etc..... He couldn't tell the truth and lie at the same time. Either you believe Him or you don't. Black and white. Very simple to me.
None of the prophets who ever lived claimed to be more than just a messanger. Very interresting. Isn't it.
I want to comment on Ophilia's comment 2 times ago. She said something to the affect that God was not some fortune teller at the fair that tells us all that we should do. In a sense, I completely disagree. He is the ultimate fortune teller. The trick is to understand what he wants us to do and have the faith to follow it. We have free agency AND we have a destiny. We have the chance to live up to great potentials. Many are called but few are chosen.
Prophets all through time have predicted or seen the future. I believe some things are meant to be. It is our job to petition the Lord to find out what he wants us to do. I do think he cares whether or not I have another baby. I am his daughter and I need his advice. This child could be a future prophet or world leader or great composer and a average mother who raises great kids. I don't not believe it is just up to me.
It may not always look this way, but I try to do EVERYTHING in my life for HIM. He is my way of life. I don't make ANY important desicions without his approval. That is why I am so determined to get an answer I understand.
For those of you on a need to know basis, you need to know that I know Ophilia very well. I want her to understand why I write the things I do. It is not because I am always weak and helpless (but in the grand scheme of things, we are.)
I just want to say the I love the gospel and I know it is true. I know it is true for everyone. People may or may not want to believe in it and that is their free agency but some things are true whether or not you believe them.
Monday, September 25, 2006
The answer I got was very clear and basically this. I am never going to find what I am searching for if I keep in the same direction I have been going. I will never feel complete and happy if I can't make me proud of myself. This is harder to explain than I thought it would be.
I need to be a wife and mother that I can look up to. I need to be more loving and helpful with my kids and hubby, I need to stop swearing and snapping ect... These things make me ashamed of myself and if I want to feel good about who I am I need to come in line with the kind of person that God knows I am capable of being.
The answer was so much easier and clear to understand when I got it but that is because spirit to spirit conversing is different I guess. Anyway, that is the gist of it. I need to quit complaining, quit being lazy, stop wataching so much tv and keep all the bad stuff to myself and HF. No one wants to hear how hard my life is. Theirs are hard enough as it is. Everyone's life has hardship.
We need to strengthen eachother and lift eachother up. It's so simple and yet I lose sight of that. If we are doing what we should, everthing will automatically line up from nutrition, exercize, time, work, and babies to loving our spirits and wanting to do and be better.
I need to see myself through God's eyes. Everything is OK out there. Baby steps. The biggest thing to remember for me is to pray every day. Earnestly. I have quit doing that and I wonder what is wrong with my life? HELLO!! Have I been studying the scriptures everyday? No. HELLO! Why do I feel frusterated with life????HELLO!!!!!! Isn't it obvious? I had cut myself off from the one person who really can help. I keep thinking I can solve my own problems. But that is just part of my human experience. I keep praying these luke warm prayers and expect an easy answer. Guess it's not working that way. I don't think it can for anyone.
I wish I could astral project and go home once in a while.
Sunday, September 24, 2006
Tell me what you think of this.... I am wondering if I should have another baby. Now, don't freak out like my husband did when I mentioned this to him, but , It has actually been on my mind for about a year.
I remember thinking "well, I guess i'm not going to have any more kids" after I was accepted back to school. But with the plan changing, I wonder if I should or am supposed to or something.
At times I think, "what in the hell are you thinking, melissa!!!!!!!!" Why would I want another one? Well, I am a dang fine mom but there are other things to consider like financial burdon, a year of misery, and then at least 3 years of bondage and diapears!
Yet, I keep thinking about it. I have prayed about it but I don't know if I am getting a real answer. I wonder if I am making up answers in my mind. One day is yes, the next day is no. What the crap is that? This is huge for me and us as a family and I want a definate, obvious answer that I wll recognize. Maybe HF doesn't care either way. Why would't he? I am just so up in the air.
I thought maybe I would give it one year. If I don't get pregnant, well, then it wasn't meant to be. I don't get pregnant that easily so If it were meant to happen, then it will in that time. What do you think of that logic?
I also think it is stupid that I am even having this debate with myself. 5 years ago, I would have just done it. Now I feel old and my clock is ticking. I am 36 and don't want to be having babies in my 40's like my mom did.
Well, let me know what you think. I need some deep seeded wisdom here folks.
Friday, September 22, 2006
I feel like my kids hardly know him and so when he does come this way for a visit, nothing else takes precedence.
I am keeping the kids home from school today to be able to spend the day with Grandpa and their step grandma. They don't call her that but I just wanted to clarify.
Dad lives in Washington and comes to Utah where both of their kids mostly live. They are going to Arizona to spend the winter and to be with his sister who is dying of cancer.
Anyway, I adore my dad. He asked me last night if I have very many good memories of my childhood or if I have a favorite good memory of my childhood. I have THOUSANDS! I named everyone that I could think of. It made him cry.
I don't know about the rest of the kids, but I feel very close to my dad. Some of the other kids have complaints because he had a violent temper when we were growing up. Mostly with the older kids. I do have some bad memories of terrible things that happened but I have more good ones.
My dad worked hard and was married to my mom for....well, until she died. They did not have a great marriage. He's a red and she was a blue for those of you who know what that is. Blood, sweat and tears. They should probably not married eachother but the got 8 kids out of it!
My dad gave me MANY beautiful blessings that I can remember to this day. He taught me to fish and camp and to love Christmas in spite of himself. He always thought of it as a "halmark holiday"!
He has faults like anyone else does and demons he probably wishes would die but we all do and I have such a great appreciation for him after having my own kids. I guess the thing that is most important is that I KNOW he loves me. He cares what happens and is very concerned about me.
He has become a very tender man in his old age and I think my mom would love who he married. She is a yellow, so they get along like peaches and cream. She has molded hin into the man my mom wishes she would have had in him. It is amazing to see and sad too. She deserved a man who adored her. Don't get me wrong. They loved each other but it was not like the relationship I have with my husband.
All in all. I believe he has done the best he could with what he was raised with and with what he had.
I am so grateful for all he has taught me and for all our great talks and for all the mornings I got to snuggle with him on Sunday mornings. Here's to you Dad!
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
I was watching the today show and they had on a little segment about all the toxins that we are surrounded by. They did not mention , however, all the toxins in our shampoos and skin care that we use but it was good.
I just learned from my little sister that she did not have her baby immunized until she was two. Most other countries do this anyway. I asked her why, (beacause I never would have questioned it when my kids were babies) and she has quite a few friends with children that are having problems and they can trace it back to the time of their immunizations. She wanted her children immune but to not have the problems that can stem from it.
I think she is very wise and I wish I would have done the same. I wrote a little while ago about how I totally do not believe in immunizing any more. That is not totally true. I do believe in the immunizations. I just DO NOT like the fact that they use a form of murcury as the preservative. There has got to be something else they can use. Anyway, I just wanted to clarify that.
I am still trying to eat mostly organic which is alot harder that it would seem. There is nowhere to by it here close by. The cost is not an object since I have found that I actually spend the same or less on groceries because I am not buying the crap I used to like gram crackers, gold fish, cold cereal, instant, in the package food. It does take more effort but my body feels so much better.
I also REALLY love the organic skin care and shampoo I use. I had to get used to it at first but my skin has never been softer and my hair has never looked and felt better. Wierd.
My problem now is that I sell a skin care product that I no longer use. Minor detail. It's a great skin care product but they use ingrecients that ALL the companies use. Parabens, laurel sulphates, and propylene gloycol. All are chemicals which are toxic and build up over time in our bodies. I just can't bring myself to keep putting it on my skin. Ignorance was bliss.
So, if any of you want some skin care at half off, come and get it! I don't want to say what brand it is because I don't want to get in trouble. Not that I think I will but better safe than sorry!
I wasn't doing a whole lot of selling anyway and I will keep it going for my few regulars. I feel like such a granola girl and it throws me.
What I am really in a quandry about is my hair! I have LOTS of gray that I have kept religiouly covered for 10 years! Do you know what they put in hair dyes???? That may be my one exception. Whether or not I am a granola girl, I do have a little vanity still running in my veins!
Friday, September 15, 2006
Complete the thought...Never again in my life:will I drive a clutch car! Terrible on your back and bad on hills, at a stop light!
When I was five:I would run away from school every day. I crossed a 4 lane street and would sit on the curb in front of my house!
High School was: A necessary evil.
I will never forget: The first time I had sex. Don't get me wrong, but I did think "So this is what it feels like. This isn't that fabulous". Believe me, it is now. It just took us some time!
I once met: John Bytheway. I fell madly in love. Wrote him a letter that I wanted to meet him! He did write back. He was very flattered and very nice but that's all it came to! ( I was NOT married at the time, just so you know)
There’s this girl I know who:will be famous someday! Her name is Madison. I used to baby sit her and she babysat my kids. She is a model now and was on the show of Donald Trump's as a model. Cool huh?
By noon I’m usually: Ready for bed again! I get up so dang early!
Last night I: watched "grey's anatomy" and tried to seduce my exhausted husband. would you believe it if I said he rejected my advances????
Next time I go to church:I pray I will not be called out from sunday school to change a poopy diaper for once!
What worries me most: That my children will be molested or hurt in some way.
When I turn my head right, I see: my big, beautiful bed.
When I turn my head left, I see: the wall with my calendar and Lance Armstrong poster!
You know I’m lying when: I can't look at you straight! I have guilt written all over my face!
If I was a character written by Shakespeare, I’d be: Some stupid fairy with an extremely small part!
By this time, next year: I should be running at least a 5k without stopping!
A better name for me would be: Gloria. I don't know. It just fits!
I have a hard time understanding: Why people don't like me (when they don't) . I'm one of the funnest people I know!
If I ever go back to school I’ll: have hit the jackpot!
You know I like you if: I call you and want to go play!
Darwin, Mozart, Slim Pickens & Geraldine Ferarro are: Playing poker in paradise?
Take my advice, NEVER:Go to the bathroom during Sacrament meeting! You will get your dress tucked in your underware for sure! Especially if you are the chorister!
My ideal breakfast is: B's fried potates, scrambled eggs and sausage. yummy!
A song I love, but do not have is: anything by Black eyed peas. Like all their songs. Love 'm but I really don't want my kids to.
If you visit my hometown, I suggest: You visit the scandinavian festival! SO fun as a kid! It's in Eugene, Oregon every summer.
Why won’t anyone: Die and leave me a fortune?
If you spend the night at my house, DO: not plan on sleeping in!
I’d stop my wedding for: A tornato! and that's it!
The world could do without: weeds. What is the purpose anyway? Hello?
I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: lick my baby's poopy diapers!
My favorite blonde is: Yolanda, well, she used to be blonde!
Paperclips are more useful than: I don't know. There are alot of little things that are useful when you need them but not at any other time!
San Diego means: Sun and fun! Only been there once but it was beautiful!
I stole this from Chronicler. You can steal it from me too if you want to!
The trees are blowing in the wind and the whole world is quiet. It reminds me of the poem my Gram wrote.
Most people love the sun
with clouds that trail along the sides of hills
like skirts of quaker brides.
Such days, when fields grown strangly still,
keep their secrets, good or ill,
and all unloveliness is vain
behind a blowing veil of rain.
She was beautiful and hard working and always gave, gave, gave. I have never know a more selfless woman. She raised her 3 nephews and us kids half my life. She took a walk every day. Could bake an apple pie to die for and mad EVERYTHING from scratch of course. I used to love to go on walks with her. She would take a walk every day.
She told the best bedtime stories and there was never a night that went by that she didn't tell us a "John and Mary" story or her famous "mouse" stories. I slept with her ever night and she was the one who taught me to pray,. I said the "Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord, my sould to take. God bless daddy and mommy".... an on and on.
This is a woman who shaped my childhood almost more than anyone else. Her birthday is October 17 and I have thought alot about her. She would be 102 this year I think. I feel her nearby lately and I just want you and her to know that I treasure her memory and that she lives on in my children.
I pray that God can make me the kind of loving and patient woman that she was. I wrote a song for her on my guitar a few years ago. These are the words:
reflections and shadows play on your face.
An antique piano is guarding the moment,
with an old family picture in delicate lace.
Stories of romance, horses and laughter,
walks in the evening, holding your hand.
Learning and loving, laughing together
are the things that remind me of you in the end.
A low melow voice that would rock me so slowly
a face lined with stories that you loved to tell
a spirit so sweet and soft as a flower
she made me a dreamer, she knew me so well.
And I will always remember
and I'll tell your stories again and again.
And you will live on forever
in the hearts of your daughters
your spirit will dwell.
Here's to you grandma! I love you!