Friday, November 03, 2006

a hard day

I just had a very interresting experience. There is a boy in our ward who is the same age as J., my 10 year old. In fact, their birthdays are only a week apart. My son has tried to be friends with him since we moved here. It has never worked. J always feels left out by him.

This kid who we will call Skyler has always seemed like a little snot to me. I know him well since I have been his webelos leader for the last year. Well, almost everyday J comes home saying he is so sick of Skyler and wants to beat him up. Now, I don't think J really would do that but I know that feeling of wanting to.

I called Sky's mom and told her a little bit about what J was saying and feeling and wondered if we could work it out. They just came over. We talked for almost and hour trying to get to the bottom of the problem. This other boy basically said that J shows off and that he doesn't like it. He said he did not want to try to be J's friend and that so and so doesn't like him either and that they don't want to be his friends. All this in front of J. He also said he doesn't want to work it out. He doesn't want anything to do with J.

What a brat.

J said that the experience was the worst thing for him and that he would rather die than do that again. It was humiliating for him. I sat and hugged him and told him it was necessary and that now, hopefully, his mom could see what a brat he is being.

It is so hard to be a kid and to want friends and fit in. Kids can be so mean to each other. I think Skylar and Jacob's problem is that they compete. When one is feeling like he is losing, he lashes out and then the other gets mad and it spirals. I know Jacob is not completely innocent but he has been trying to be friends with Skylar at school. Jacob will ask if they can be friends now and skylar will say, "I don't know" and walk away. Jacob can't stand to have people not like him. It really bothers his yellow personality. I know. I am a yellow too!

J and I both know that he can be loud and obnoxious sometimes but let me tell you, I love that boy. He is one of my best friends. He always loves to play and have fun.

I told him that he needs to be the bigger man. Try to let it go when Skylar is mean to him at school and not to talk, or touch or communicate in any way. I don't know how that will work since they will be together through out scouts and church activities, but hopefully, they can work it out. I wish I could protect my kids from hurt and dissapointment. I hate to see how it hurts Jacob to feel singled out. He has a cousin who I think has a problem with him but won't talk about it. It really bothers me but there's not much I can do. I don't want to say anything to Jacob. He senses it but doesn't say anything either. Oh well. Such is life and learning to get along.


Lisa M. said...

Goodness, quite a quandry isn't it.

I have felt that way, about a few of the girls in our ward, too.

One thing that always takes me off guard, is that parents sometimes can't see their children, as others do.

I found myself very surprised, when I started volunteering at the school, to just every so often watch Vix, when she didnt know she was being watched.

talk about a different kid.

Since I know the mother in question, I sincerly doubt that much progress was made.

Just like, when Victoria's pony tail got cut off. The siscors and the hair was in the girl who sits in back of her's desk...

and the girl denied it, and her mother belived her.

What a dotto head.


I am sorry that J is struggling so.

He is almost in intermediate school. When he gets there, I promise it will be SO much better for him!

Keep your chin up.

Love ya!

Jewel said...

It can be so hard for kids. I remember it all to well. I think I still try to protect my boys, and they are adults. I's sorry it was a hard day. I hope things are going a little bit better. Have a good week.

Yolanda said...

My FAVORITE saying for parenting is this:

"Prepare the child for the road, and not the road for the child..."

You CANNOT protect your children from LIFE...They need to learn the coping skills, courtesy, faith in the gospel, etc. to truly empower themselves, and be the kind participants in the world. Sometimes, hard lessons or experiences need to be had in order to shape and mold them into the person they are destined to become.

I have family members who tried so hard to protect their kids, that they did not allow for natural consequences, decision making, etc. to happen, and now their kids do not know how to cope, make decisions, or accept any consequences for their actions, because their parents always "took care of" everything for them.

That being said...I am EXTREMELY protective and loyal to my kids...This kid seems to be a "toxic friend," so I would not waste anymore energy on him...Tell J to be kind, and polite, but it is not necessary to be involved in this boy's life if it is going to cause the stress it seems to.

Hurt and disappointment can be taken two ways: Being offended, or learning to be a kinder, more compassionate person.

J is lucky he has a mom who loves him so much...

Mel said...

We are having similiar problems. It makes me feel so bad because I know how hard it is on kids. Hang in there!