Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Close Call

I can't believe it is over already! I hate it when Christmas ends! It's a day you plan for and wait for for so long and it is gone in the blink of an eye. I love the planning and shopping for my kids.

On Christmas eve after all the kids were in bed and santa had come, I was laying there in that place where you are almost asleep and all of a sudden I heard this voice in my head. "Remember Galdalf." I sat up in bed and said "OH sh--" ( I wont say it now because it might offend sesitive ears.) B. sat up and asked what was wrong and I realized I had not put out all the presents I had gotten for the kids.

I had hid all the santa gifts in an old van in the backyard that is a good for nothing piece of crap that my husband wont get rid of. Anyway, I went out there in the dark all by myself and sure enough, there were 3 more bags under the tarp that we had missed! One of which was a Galdalf doll with the sword and staff and everything! No wonder it hadn't looked like much when I had set it all up!!! How terrible it would have been. There were a few crucial gifts in those bags! I had even asked B at the time we got it all out, "Are you sure you have it all? Are you sure there aren't anymore bags?" He had said no. CLOSE CALL!!!

Anyway, the day turned out great! I love this time of year! I love to turn off all of the lights and have only candles and the tree lights on and sing carols. I love the spirit and hustle and bustle. I love to buy presents and have turkey dinner. I love the gospel and the happiness and peace it gives me in a world where nothing is ever certain. Thank you Heavenly Father for my wonderful life. May it continue until I am old enough to die in my sleep an old, happy woman. Well, I hope you all had a wonderful day too! See you all later.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

our adoption story

For those who wanted to know.....I was raised with extra kids in our home. My parents would take is strays for as long as they needed to stay. It wasn't through foster care but that is how it was, They were all teenagers. I think my parents were insane but that is another story.

I had three children of my own. I have terrible pregnancies where I throw up the entire time from morning until night. I never feel good and my body aches and it is pretty miserable. I had started to get baby hungry and my poor husband just didn't think he could live through another 10 monthes of self inflicted hell. The idea of foster care had been rolling around in our minds for a while but it scared us. We were afraid to bring in a child with alot of baggage because of the influence on our other children.

The feeling just would not go away. I felt it was the right thing to do. When our little family was sealed in the temple in 2004 the sealer said something that really hit me. He told us that because of what we were doing, we would have the ability to love other children as our own. I don't remeber the exact words but that is the jist of it. I felt that the reason I was here on earth was to be a mother. A mother to my own and to whoever God sent my way. That really was hard for me because I liked my freedom. I didn't want to be stuck home forever babysitting. That sounds harsh but I am being very honest. I prayed about it and Heavenly Father basically told me to quit being a baby and get to work.

We started the foster care classes. It is a rigorous workout. They make it that way to weed out the people doing it just for money. It was time consuming but worth it and we both knew that it was the right thing to do. I was called the first time about 2 little girls who it happens are the big sisters to Gabe. It didn't feel right to take them so I said no. I was called next about 2 twin baby boys who had alot of problems but they didn't feel right either. I started to wonder if I was just being chicken. Then in October of last year we got a call about a little baby boy who was 3 months old, whose mom had been put in jail for use and distribution of Meth. I emmediately knew this was right and I said yes without even discussing it with my husband. I went to the DCFS office and picked him up. It was like going to the store and picking out what I wanted and going home with it!!! I felt like a kid in a candy store. Gabe was beautiful and I emmediately fell in love.

He was very collicky so I changed his formula and he gained 3 pounds the first month I had him. After 2 weeks they told me they were going for reunification and I cried the rest of the day. Then I realized that I wasn't in this to adopt. I was here to help. So I pulled myself up by my bootstraps and went to work.

The first time I met the birthmom I tried to be very kind and friendly. I could tell she was uncomfortable and having a hard time. When that team meeting was over, she picked up Gabe to say goodbye and started crying. I had the impression to go over and put my arms around her. That thought alone shocked me because I didn't even her or how she would react. Well, I did it, I walked up , put my arms around her and the baby and cried too. I told her that I knew she could do it and that I would help her. That is how it started. She fell in love with me and we became as close as sisters. After she had earned him back in June, I got a call 3 weeks later from the case worker saying that R was overwhelmed and didn't feel she could ever give him what he needed or deserved. She wanted us to adopt him. I still remember the moment. I was in the driveway at the piano teachers house waiting for my son to come out. I started to cry I felt so bad for R. That same day I picked Gabe back up and I cried with R for a long time.

From there it's history. That is why it didn't seem weird that the birthmom was at the adoption. She is like a little sister. I am sure it was terrible for her but I have told her she can be as much a part of his life as she wants to be. I would never keep her away. That's the story. It is the easiest pregnancy I have ever had!

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Too much drama

It's done! He's all mine! MINE! MINE! MINE! No one can take my baby away from me! It feels sooooo goood!!

It was one of those times where going to court is such a positive thing. The judge was so cool and everyone was happy and the feeling was light. The birth mom came which I am told is very unusual. We took pictures with her and with the judge and everyone else. It was happy. The boyfriend of the birth mom came with her. I said hi to him and was polite but didn't go out of my way to sit and talk with him. He just wasn't my focus. He was the legal father of G but no blood relation. anyway, right after court he must have gone home and told his mom something because when we got home there was a message on my machine telling me off and that she didn't know what they had ever done to us but that I had no right ot be so rude to her son. She went on and on, even swearing at me and saying it wasn't her sons fault that the birth mom gave up her baby and that her son would have raised him.
You know, I have never had a call like that. It is no wonder every one of her kids is really screwed up. I actually started to laugh and went and got my husband to listen to it too. We both laughed. It's entirely too much drama for me. Some people thrive on it though. They need a constant crisis to feel alive I guess. I am not going to respond to the call. I think that is what she wants. I really don't care. She is not even related and I really wouldn't mind never seeing her again. Is that bad or what?
I did just find our that the birth mom is about 16 weeks pregnant again. It is so very sad.
Well, see ya later!

Monday, December 12, 2005

a good day

It sure has been a while! I never seem to find the time lately to sit down at the computer just to enjoy myself. This time a year is so busy but I love it!

We had our first webelos meeting last week and I was soooo nervous! I just have never felt very creative but it turned out great the the boys loved it!

Our adoption will be final on Tuesday! I am so excited! G will be mine! ALL MINE!!! His birth mother can see him anytime but she doesn't get to take him. She lives in a world I just don't want my kids to be aprt of. I just found out that she is pregnant again. I don't know why I am so surprised. She has lost all three of her kids so far and I almost expect her to call me to adopt this new one! This life can be so hard for some. I just hope I can do G. justice and that I can be the mother he needs to grow up to be a great man. I have this feeling that that is his destiny and to fulfil it, he needs to grow in a healthy enviroment. Maybe that is what we all need. Ya think?

I have been able to start funning again. I do a 5 minute jog and a two minute walk for about a mile and a half. I don't want to over do it and cause a problem. I really want to be able to run! It feels soooo good! I want to run in the Moab 5k this march. that is the goal! It helps to have something to work for!

well, got to go! Love to you all!

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

a few loves

I made the mistake the other night of watching "Gothica" right before bed. Normally, I love scary movies. I love scary books too. I went through all of Stephen Kings, and John Sauls a few years back. Anyway, Gothica is not the movie to watch in the dark! I had seen it before but man, it freaked me out! My husband finally told me that if I didn't quit jumping and screaming, he was going to turn it off. (he was already asleep, see) It was so fun though!
When B and I watch tv together, it is always on the history channel. I have to admit, since being married to B, I have been educated on all levels. I notice old cars now which I never used to. B is an upholterer and loves to re-do old cars. He's very good. I also know all of Hank williams and all their jr's, music too. Any old country music is common in our house. I now know how to take care of horses and all other animals pretty much and he even taught me how to do laundry when we were first married! How sick is that? He is a way better cook and I am always calling him at work to ask how to cook some particular thing. I love being married to someone smarter than me. Anyway, love that guy! Love nature and love cable tv!!!

Thursday, December 01, 2005

I'm back! I have been lazy in writing this week. I have a really hard time making myself get somethings done! I am trying to talk myself into getting on my tread mill right now. I am a little frusterated with it bcause it either bothers my back or gives me shin splints if my back is out! SO that means I will probably have to be a walker!

Well, I don't have much time. I just got dish network after three years of haveing fuzzy stations and I need to go watch tv! I think I have a new addiction now! Don't worry. I can quit anytime!

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

I'm leaving tomarrow morning for South Dakota! We are going to visit some relatives there for Thanksgiving. I am pretty excited. They live on 1000 acre sheep ranch and have horses and all sorts of fun stuff. It's about a 12 hour drive but we poan to stop and see the sight along the way back.
If I don't get a chnce to write while I am there, Have a happy Thanksgiving! Love to you all!

Monday, November 21, 2005

It's Monday morning and the beginning of a new week! I love it! I love Mondays. Sick as it sounds, but I am a stay at home mom and all I schedual on Mondays is to clean my house after an exciting weekend.

My two sisters and their husbands and kids came for the weekend and it was so much fun! They are my two younger sisters. One is from california and the other is from Farmington, Utah. 45 min away but they both slept over. We took our oldest boys to Harry Potter and the guys watched the "big game".

My sister S. and her husband have gotten into poker. They have a little poker set and wanted to teach us. Well, I like to play cards. We all play canasta, and Phase 10 and other games but I felt a little uncomfortable playing poker just because the prophet said not to. Well, of couse I did anyway, righteous girl that I am, it was fun but we didn't bet real money. we just played with the chips. My sister did want to put a little money in, like a dollor or something but I just couldn't do it. Now I don't think I was going to get addicted to poker any more than I am to "go fish" but I succomed to peer pressure. They all think I am a prude already, not that I really care but it was like 5 to 1 and I lost.

The next day I had my temple recommend interview! Is there anything in my conduct that I feel would make me unworthy to enter the house of the Lord? NOOOOOOO. Anyway, I told my bishop that that is the only thing I have been diobedient in lately! I did pass though and I have another ticket to heaven in my purse.

I love my family so much and I love how we have to learn tolerance for eachother when we have different beliefs! It would be so much easier if we all thought the same but this makes life so much more fun and exciting!

Thursday, November 17, 2005


I was just thinking about all the things I am grateful for in my life as I sat down to a computer that is working great today. I can't get over the miracle of a great neighbor who was willing to come over on his day off to work on my computer.
There is another thing I am grateful for and I will get to it in a minute. Let me explain first why I feel this way. Lately, I have been feeling, oh, I don'w know, it is hard to explain. I have felt impatient with my kids, frusterated and irritable. I felt down and angry at myself for not being able to control my temper, this in turn makes me feel like a bad wife and mother which leads to feeling depressed which leads to a messy house. Well, the other day, I was contiplating all of this and I realized, "Oh my gosh! It's November!" Every fall this happens to me. I get what some call "SAD". Some people don't even believe it is real. Just like they don't think PMS is real. Anyway, I used to take Celexa during the winter but this year I really wanted to be drug free. I exercize everyday, I eat really healthy, I try to feed my spirit with good things and yet, this fall, I still have these feelings, which was also depressing. I had vowed I would never use drugs like that again. I have a sister who is in to Scientology and we talk about it alot. Their theory is that antidepressants are just a bandaid and that you need to find the issue which is deeper, resolve it, and you won't have those sad feelings anymore. You know, I believe that too. I believe that the physical and mental are completely connected. I think we make ourselves sick and don't even realize it or why. In this case, I was thinking all this and then I thought, my kids need a happy mom NOW. They don't deserve to wait how ever long it takes me to figure out my psychosis!
I had a full bottle of Celexa in the cupboard that I never used or threw out so I took one. I felt it was the right thing to do. I felt the effect of it almost within a couple of hours. It seems to make me feel calm and I lose that irritation I feel at everything. I feel so good and at peace with with decision. My kids are even responding differently to me. They can tell I guess that I am not going to fly off the handle or something! I actually can let my self loose and play, where before, I don't know. Unless you have felt it, it is really hard to explain. To make this long story short. I am grateful for modern day drugs.
This is a subject that is really difficult for me to talk about or even admit to. It sometimes makes me feel like a failure as a woman to not be able to control my hormones at the snap of my fingers! I know this subject is controversial for some but this is my story today. Thanks for listening. Have a good one.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

small miracles

Thank heavens for small miracles! My computer wasn't working right still and I called the guy at the computer place and his suggestion was to completely reinstall windows. I would loose everything and have to start over.

I called Lisa to cry to her and her wonderful husband Paul, was home! He is a computer genious who should really start his own business in computers. He told me that it sounded like a lazy tech who didn't want to take the time to find the problem.

He came over and we went through a bunch of things to find the problem. It wasn't any of those things so he opened the computer, dusted the little parts and cleaned them with alcohol and made sure they were back in tight and turned it on. He put it through the ringer doing a fragmented thing a ma jigger to make sure it was working right and it is working great and faster than ever! I am so happy and I hope that this the end of it!
The thing that really makes me feel good is that I think of the perfect timing of it all. I can't be without my computer,and I can't lose all the info I have on it. My husband runs his business from this computer. The odds that Paul would be home on the very day I had to make this choice with my computer is slim to nothing!!! I believe Heavenly Father gave me a little gift to save me some real heartache. It makes me feel so good that something so cosmically small would be given to little insignificant me. Some people out there may say it was just coincidence and that I am looking for a connection to fuel my beliefs. That's fine. Maybe I am. I don't care what it is. It was a gift to me from someone today!

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Well, the latest is this. I had to take my computer back AGAIN today to fix something they did to it while it was there that wasn't right! I could save alot a money if I just learned how to do it myself! I have tried but that is a whole nother story with a tragic ending!

Today is my sweet 10 year olds birthday! 10 Years!!! It is so hard to believe. He is so big and almost wears the same size shoes as me! He is the one in the picture with me on my blog but that was a couple of years ago!

He is so smart and confident and handsome! He talks, talks, talks, talks, talks all the time. It drives my husband crazy! But J is just like me! I totally relate to him. He is so yellow! Do you all know the color test? J just wants to play, play ,play all the time! I am a blue-yellow and know how he feels. I would much rather play first and if there is time, get my work done.

J gets good grades and loves science. I want to thank you for your ideas for help with his teachers. He has 2 teachers. I made up a progress report on the computer and I even called it a "Ninja Report". It has really helped and now we get homework done that before, I didn't even know he had! Yea! It is a real feeling of relief! He doesn't even mind it. At first he was worried that the other kids would notice and think less of him or something but his friends actually think it is cool! Another Yea!

Thank you all so much for your comments and help! I love you all.
Lisa, the guitarist is chris Norman's son in law who lives with them while they are building. I think they are building.

Monday, November 14, 2005

I'm back!

Finally! FINALLY! I have my coputer back!!!! It would not even turn on on Friday! I took it in and just got it back today! It is a terrible thing to be without my baby! Anyway, now I can pay bills! yea!

I am listening to my "KA" cd. I love it. The power of music is a wonderful thing! I turn on my music and all my kids gravitate to my room! They actually start dancing and bouncing around! I love that! I love how different music makes me want to run faster or slower. I love how it makes me depressed or happy or spiritual or whatever.
We have a classical guitarist in my ward. He teaches. He is fantastic. How beautiful it would be to have him play in sacrament meeting. I really bugs me that people like him are not allowed to share their talent because they don't use a bow. I love the guitar so I am partial to it. I have played since high school. I did take a classical guitar class once at the "U" but I never got very good at it. I mainly just accompany myself when I sing.
Well. Thats all for today folks! I need to pay bills now! Love to you all!

Monday, November 07, 2005

daily life

It's family night once again. My husband has been out of town since Wednesday on a hunting trip. I am a little hormonal and really wish I could just put all my kids to bed at 5:00pm. So what I actually do is pray really hard for the patience not to do anything rash and awful. The thought pops into my head to take my kids to Leatherby's for a fun night. Now mind you, I did grow up here in Utah and no, I have never been to Leatherby's. At least that I can remember.

We hopped in the car at a little after seven and are back by 8:00. It was just what I needed. It helped me to feel fun again when I was is such a crabby mood. I had the "Black and Tan". It's my brother's favorite. It was so good that it made me sick. Literally. I am not used to that much sugar! But it was to die for. I did not eat it alone thank heavens!

Anyway, the reason I was feeling so crabby was my 10 year old came in from school and handed me a math test with a minus 17!!!! No, I did NOT get mad at him. we proceeded to sit down and re-take the test together so I could show him where he had gone wrong. It was actually fun. From there, it was hard not to notice how terrible his hand writing was. I couldn't even read it half the time. So I asked him to practice a few rows of the alphabet. He was happy to. Then we practiced his name which is the worst (I did not say this to him by the way). By this time he was starting to get mad at the continuing penmanship practice and he got really rude to I told him that he could write an essay on being nice to his mom and sister who he had also yelled at. At the time it seemed fitting punishment! As I write this, I can see why he might have gotten tired of it. Maybe I went a little overboard but sometimes I feel like I have to correct things before they get too much worse. I can't believe he would be stuggling in math this way and I not know. Why couldn't his teacher tell me? Why do I NEVER see any homework assingments come home BEFORE the test? I feel like I need to call his teacher every day to see how he is really doing. I haven't done this and his real problem is that he just goes too fast. He picks it right up when we do it together. I don't know. I am very sensitive to this because I struggled all through school and never felt smart or did well on tests and I don't want my own kids to feel that way. It is so hard to know if you are doing things the right way for your kids.

Well, I really want to buy an ipod nano. I have been down loading all my music onto the computer. I am tired of running with my big old cd player. Anyone know where I can get one cheap? Right! well, thanks for listening. night everyone.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Takin' out the trash

I sat down just now to type a little on my blog and noticed how awful my computer desk looked. So I took a minute to organize it. Lots goes in the garbage, everything else I need gets tucked away nicely in it's spot. I love to organize. I love to find the perfect spot for each thing and I LOVE to throw crap in the garbage!

I can't even begin to explain how good it feels to fill up that garbage can and get rid of clutter that pollutes my world. It is alot like repentence. Sometimes we hang onto things that we think we can't possibly live without and yet it is those very things that clog up our lives and hold us back from feeling free of it.
It's funny how lits bits of notepaper that I am sure I will want someday have been messing up space for over 3 years! I knew I would never use it so in the trash it goes! Yesterday I went through my closet and filled a kitchen garbage bag for the DI. My hubby hates it when I get into one of these purges and goes around asking if I threw this or that away of his!
In my life, I love to get rid of my bad habits too but it is a little more difficult and more time consuming! It feels good that I seldom eat fast food, I almost never drink pop and when I do it is only a few sips. Once it was out of my system, to drink it again burns my throat and gives me gas! I try to exercize every day and I seldom eat white flour or sugar. Now I am not anal about not eating these things but my body has never felt better. I feel healthy and strong and energetic. Why did I wait until my thirties to clean out my life? I guess it is part of owning my choices. Now I am not saying these things to boast. I feel like it is a part of my testimony of the gospel. Not only do I love the Book of Mormon and believe in a modern day prophet but I have a testimony of the power you can receive in living a healthy life. Now healthy to one may be different than healthy to

Saturday, October 29, 2005

The Quest

I have started to add some slow jogging to my treadmill routine. I have been trying for three years to get back into running as some of you know. It has been going well.
I have a problem with my sacrum. I also have scoliosis. It's a congenital thing. I was born with quite a few birth defects. (birthday fects, are what I called them as a child). My heart is backwards, I am missing three ribs on the front left side, one of my hips was not fully formed when I was born but is now and I have a few other things that are a little different.
None of these things are even noticeable on the outside. Only if I am naked. Luckily I married a man who doesn't care, has never made a rude comment, acts as though I look like anyone else. AMAZING! Even after 10 years it amazes me. In college I dated a guy that I was serious with who when I told him about the defects (because i did think he aught to know) dumped me. It was a slight blow to my self esteem but I knew there was someone out there who wouldn't be quite so shallow.
Any way, back to running. I have to be soooooo careful about my posture. If I am not running with REALLy good posture, it throws my back out. I do alot of other exercizes to strengthen all those muscles but it is so slowgoing. Why do I even care about running? I used to hate running when I was younger. It was sheer torture. Why don't I fall in love with biking instead? I don't know the answer to those questions. I think it has become a quest, a vendetta, a personal mission, to overcome my obstacles. The funny thing is, I KNOW I will be able to do if I persit long enough. I am promised in the scriptures that if I do what is right I shall walk and not faint, and run and not be weary!!! In the D&C it says that if I have the faith I will be able to leap! There are alot of scriptures like that and I am taking them literally. It does get better all the time. I just need patience, persistance, long suffering (which I am really good at) and alot of prayer! Yea for me!

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

to be or not to be

I had an interresting experience this morning. In my 3 year olds dance class, it was "invite a friend week" so I had invited a new neighbor of mine who has a little girl who is 3 too. It was alot of fun and this gal really loves to visit. we talked about alot of different subjects.

She is not LDS and we had started talking about her minister and where she goes to church. She told me she was raised Mormon kind of as a child because of neighbors who took her to church when she was young. She even was baptized at 8 yrs.

She told me she had alot of questions when she got older and the thing she said she couldn't swallow was Joseph Smith. She started to tell me about how dishonest she he was because of books she had studied. She said that none of his prophesies had ever come true and that he supposedly admits to a bunch of lies in his personal journals and she said a bunch of other stuff. She said it in such a way that left no room for discussion. I don't know what she expected me to do but I wasn't going to start an argument. I just said what I have always said to members of my own family. If you are going to study a controversial subject, you need to look at both sides, and that people have been trying to disprove Joseph Smith from the beginning just like they do to Jesus. I said that people need to find something that gives them a foundation and that works for them and hold to that.

I would have said more but it just didn't feel right. I am not the kind to go around testifying to everyone. Maybe that is what we should do? But I don't feel comfortable doing that. I much prefer not not be bold! I do like to bare my testimony in softer, subtle ways that won't start a fight or cause contention. Maybe I am a chicken but hopefully, God will forgive my cowardess.

Anyway, this friend and I parted as friends and I hope we stay that way. She is really nice and I like her but it bothered me that she would say what she did without any consideration to the fact that it IS somthing I do believe in. Wierd. Well, see ya!

Friday, October 21, 2005

Viva Las Vegas!

I'm home! actually got home Sunday and it was sooooo fun! I can see why Vegas is addictive and I didn't even gamble! I was still getting over being sick so that was a bummer. I felt tired and had a headache part of the time but it was still so fun.

We saw the show "KA" by cirque du soleil and it was amazing!! I can't even describe it. I saw people do things that don't seem humanly possible. The music was incredible. I bought the CD and listen to it every day. Friends hear it and ask what that awesome music is and want copies!

we saw "Tournement of Kings" at Excalibur and that was so fun and the food was great. I have never been to a place that has so many physically beautiful people who are so talented. Everywhere you turn. It was hard not to stare! In fact, on one of the shuttles there was this beautiful black man in front of me who was hard not to stare at. He was huge and muscular and gorgeous! Well, I didn't want to stare at him so I watched his friend who was also good looking (there was no where else to look) but not like the other guy. well, the black guy started to laugh at me and told his friend that he thought I wanted a picture with him because I couldn't quit staring! I was mortified! I was tempted to tell him it was him I was staring at, not his friend! Anyway, I am married so I looked and didn't touch!

At our hotel there was a lazy river they we relaxed in every morning and then we would go to the strip in the afternoons and evening to see the casinos and eat. I think my favorite was "The Belagio" the fountains there were spectacular! For those who don't know, There is a giant fountain that is choreographed to music. The music is piped in onto the street so no matter where you stand you hear it. It's like watching a ballet. It was so beautiful that it made me cry at one point. It is amazing that a city so filled with filth and sin can is some respects be so beautiful that it can bring tears to your eyes!

We also saw the "Folies Bergere". It is the longest running Vegas show there. We saw the version where the gals are covered. I guess they show the same show topless too. YIKES! we ate at the "house of blues" which was fun and well, I can't believe how much moeny is passed around there! We had a man pay for our whole dinner one night because he thought my sister was beautiful! We all told our husbands about that (those of us who are married) and they said we should be doing that every night! It would make the trip less expensive! HA!

I had a minor miracle happen. At the house of blues I lost $75.00 I didn't know I had lost it. I had just left a bag there at our table that had a couple of cheap souvenirs. I was soooo tired and it was late and I had a headache and we were on the shuttle leaving when I realized it! I almost didn't go back. But we did and when I got back there a man who i think was the manager asked me if i had lost any money. i said that I didn't think so but my sister told me to check. she also told the guy that I was really honest and didn't even let her go movie hopping when we were together! Like that would matter! I checked my purse and sure enough there was money missing. The guy asked about how much and I said maybe about 75 bucks. He said is was 76.00 and handed it to me. I cound't believe it. As we walked away, I started to cry. It was an overwhelming feeling. Anyone could have picked it up and kept it. It really touched me that I felt like God gave me a little gift and here I was in a seedy casino surrounded by smoke and booze, feeling sick and tired and just wanting to go to bed. I am so glad I listened to that feeling to go back because I really did almost decide not to.

There were a few ups and downs. When you get 6 women together for 5 days there are bound to be little tiffs but the thing I like is that we always make up quick and no one holds a grudge. I am the only one who is active LDS among us so I did tend to temper our outings a little but there are just some things that even I won't do!

well, It was great! sorry I haven't written for a while. I needed to recuperate!

Tuesday, October 11, 2005


Hey there!
I only have a minute to write but I wanted to let you know I am leaving today for my sister's weekend in Vegas! YEA BABY! I could sure use the break! I had the same sickness my kids had but I have something more too. Today is our baby's permancy hearing. I think I have worried about it so much that I have made myself sick. I have a terrible headache that I have had for 3 days and I can hardly bend over or move because of the pain. It's so stupid to worry and make myself sick but I heard the birth mother might have gotten married to the guy she was with before they went to jail. He also beat her up while she was pregnant with my babyand I worry that they ight fight to get him back. I just don't get how some people can be so stupid over and over. Not a very Christ like attitude is it? It's hard after all this time and all the work I did with the birthmom to have her completely revert to the way she was. Anyway..... Have a great weekend and wish me luck! I let ya know what happens!

Saturday, October 08, 2005

oh, the joys

I was awaken last night a 3:00 am by my 6 year old S. He said he didn't feel good and proceeded to throw up! Of course, I dash out of bed steering my child toward the toilet. This happened over and over until I pulled myself out of bed at 8:30am.

A little while later my 3 year old H. wanted me to hold her while I folded laundry. And she said she was tired. (which can mean alot of things). I picked her up and 10 seconds later she threw up all over the front of me and the clothes I had been folding! I run, carrying her to the bathroom.

That bathroom was a disaster so I decided to clean it quickly and put my baby in the tub to play while I did. He had soaked through his diaper and well, that about says it. Well, H. wanted to get in with him so I let her and she threw up again in the tub.

Well, we get everyone all cleaned up, turn on old yeller and relax. I am happy to report, no more puke so far. Normally, I might have my husband here to help but he left early this morning to hunt with his brother for the day. I am taking "airborn" in hopes that I will not get sick myself. I sure hop it works! See ya!

Thursday, October 06, 2005

The things we do

I am pretty much an old fashioned girl who loves horses, lives in the country, loves camping and outdoor stuff. I love the smell of the outdoors, I don't mind getting dirty or gutting fish and eating it over a campfire. Well, I started something new this last spring that is unusual for me. I got acrillic nails. Or fake nails. However you want to say it. I had started biting my nails (I don't know why) and hated the habbit. I have this, soft nails that bend and tear easy and thought that getting fake nails would help. Well, I have had them for a while now and I love it! They make me feel so feminine. I do get them done pretty short still because I do play piano and guitar which is more difficult now but it is so fun! I love how girly I feel and how much prettier and put together I feel. Isn't it amazing that something so little can make a woman feel good?

My husband is a country boy who would just assume I don't do it but is always supportive. It is a fun thing. I don't know how long I will keep them but I love them for now.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Fannie Farmer

How many of you have ever used the Fannie Farmer cookbook? OH MY GOSH! I love it! I saw it first at my sister's house and couldn't believe how many recipes are in there! I love it because it has EVERYTHING! Literally! I didn't know what I wanted for dinner tonight so I looked through it (and the recipes are REALLY easy) and found one for Deviled chicken so I made that one. It is still baking so I don't know how it will turn out but it looked good!

I never was a great cook but I try and I love to learn new things. It is never too late to become great at lots of different things. Like motherhood for example. I've been at this job for about 10 years now and have yet to see and instruction manual. I admit I have a hard time not losing my cool when I walk into my room to sit down at my computer and find pencil shavings all over my desk like I did just now. My 10 year old had just sharpened a pencil and dumped the contents of the electric sharpener on my desk and floor! He was sharpening the pencil because he had gotten in trouble and his punishment to write "I will not be run to my Mom anymore" 30 times!
Need I say more.
My 6 year old just asked me what I like to do most with my kids. I said, "spank them." He said, "no, it has to be something fun." It makes me laugh! Even when they drive me crazy, I love them sooo much!

Monday, October 03, 2005

my blessings

I am feeling really down today. I really don't know why. I have no reason to complain so I am going to count my blessings. I hear that it helps.

1. I have a stong testimony of the gospel.
2. I have a good relationship with heavenly father.
3. I have a wonderful, caring, giving husband that I really don't deserve.
4. I have beautiful, perfect children who I enjoy
5. I have a nice spacious house in the country that I can constantly clean to keep me out of trouble.
6. I have 4 beautiful horses and 2 mules to play with.
7. I have a loving golden retriever who only wants to please me and never seems able to!
8. I eat fresh eggs from my chicken on a daily basis.
9. I have a huge yard to play in and mow when I need exercize.
10. I have a body that does work most of the time and is pain free if I don't move.
11. I have a car that works and gets me from a to b.
12. I have a great friend I count as a sister who would do anything for me and who I don't feel uncomfortable asking. (thankyou Lisa)
13. I have clothes to wear
14. I have money that comes in regularly so I can pay my bills.
15. I have a loving and supportive ward.
16. My prayers are always answered in ways I can hear and understand.
17. I have talents I love and enjoy using. (music, singing, playing piano and guitar)
18. I have sisters and brothers who love me no matter what.
19 I have a nice computer if I could just learn how to use it!
20. I have been given life and feel I am honestly doing my best.

Wow! I do feel better! I have many more blessings but these are the ones that came to my mind first!

Thursday, September 29, 2005

shopping for unmentionables

Today I went shopping for bras. I tell you it's worse than shopping for a swim suit (almost). I have been doing the South Beach Diet and I really like it. It is an easy diet for me to stay on and is the only one that has worked long term. (Loner than 2 weeks!) Anyway, I have lost 20 lbs in 3 months. Not fast progress but healthy. So none of my braziers fit me well anymore so I took a trip to town. I think I tried on 30 different bras! Nothing seems to fit well and like most women, I am not exactly the same on both sides. Aggrivating! Anyway.....my cupsize has shrunk but not my rib size. How depressing! I've gone down a whole size where I least want to! The good thing is that I am seeing progress in my pant size. I have been a size 14 for 10 years and now I am a size 12! YEA!!!!!!!
To be honest, I just want to be healthy and feel good. I want to be able to run 5 miles and feel good about it. I don't care what pant size or bra size I am as long as I know I am taking care of the body God gave me as best I can. So, that's my news of the day! Love you all!!!

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

my man

I was talking to my sister T. who lives in Oregon yesterday. She is breaking up with the guy she has been living with for 3 years. He is a really neat guy but not as a husband or boyfriend I guess. Anyway, she was telling me how he gets offended so easily. He gets his feelings hurt over the stupidest things and then holds a grudge and won't speak the rest of the day.

It got me thinking about how lucky I am. I am married to a fantabulous guy. My husband is not offended easily. I love that! If I don't feel like having sex, instead of feeling rejected he just says, "O.K." and turns over. T. told me if she says no, her guy takes it so personally, like she doesn't like him or isn't turned on by him anymore.

My husband and I can be so honest with eachother without fighting. Sometimes he'll say to me that I am being really onery and what's wrong? I will usually be surprised and say I am just tired, or frusterated or whatever and that is the end of that. If he is grabbing at my girl parts and I am not in the mood or if I push his hands away, he will usually laugh and try to talk me into it but if it doesn't work he just says. "O.K." and that's that.

I love it that God sent me a man who just lets the water roll off his back. He never holds a grudge or gives me the silent treatment (anymore). He used to use that tactic when we were first married but I told him he married the wrong gal if he thought that would work. I like to work it out and get it out of the way and that is what we do now. He loves me for who I am and doesn't expect me to change. in any way. If I do, He is pleasantly surprised. If I don't, well then, he's not disappointed is he?
I am a better person for marrying him. More patient, more loving, harder working and lots of other things I won't go into. Don't want to brag!
He also loves to hunt, fish, remodel old cars, loves horses and watch football when he has time. good man and good looking.

Monday, September 26, 2005

afternoon quickies

I love an afternoon quicky. Normally, by the time I am ready for bed, I am exhausted, tired, possibly irritable and NOT in the mood. You know what I mean? Well, My husband is a plumbing contractor and can be home at any time during the day when business is slow.

During the afternoon (early or late), when he sun is warm and I am taking a little break from housework, laundry, kids etc... I sometimes look over at B. Who usually takes a 15 min. rest after lunch, and ask,"In the mood for a quicky?"

Well, It always starts out wonderful but like clockwork, one of our kids comes to the door and wants in. I will usually yell, (and in a not so nice voice) that theyhad better stay out and not try to come in. That we are having a rest time. I have to be specific here and tell then not to try to come in because our door can be unlocked from the outside pretty easily! It's the suspence, though, that makes it so much fun!

Then the telephone will usually ring or someone will come to the front door or my three year old will come and sit by the door and cry or beg to come in. You ask why we go to the trouble to do a day timer? Well, it's like being a kid again, trying to get away with something, wondering if you'll be caught! We love it and it makes us feel young! It is worth it too because once in a great while, no one bothers us. Ah,..... love in the afternoon.

Friday, September 23, 2005

sibling rivalry

It's amazing isn't it, that siblings still compete or compare with eachother even when they are adults. I do like to think of myself as fairly normal and there is a little competition among my sisters and me.

For instance, our sisters weekend is coming up in October and I have just GOT to lose 10 more pounds so that I am not the chubbiest one!! Also, I want to show them how good I look! The probelm is I love to eat! and I am competeing with women who weight 130 lbs.! Anyway, that is all in fun because we all are very close.

Well, yesterday my little sister called (who is 31 yrs) and told me that K. (my other little sister) told her that I am going to South Dakota for Thankgiving this year to visit relatives my hsuband is really close to instead of coming to her house. Well, my sis S. (the 31 yr old) was feeling bad because they just took 2 years to build a beautiful, huge house and they did EVERYTHING themselves. I am the only one in my family who hasn't seen it yet. They live in California. I have been to visit her many times but before they finished their house. She kept saying things like, I don't think you want to come and you don't care enough to come and things like that. well, I guess on a certain level she is right because I do believe that if a person wants something bad enough, they do it. (Which she did also point out). Well, I started to get tired of defending myself so when she made the comment, "You don't know what it feels like to work for something this hard and have the people you care about not act like they care." At this point I did point out that Yes, I do know how that feels. I worked for 10 years to go to the temple with my husband who is a convert and it was the most inportant thing I had done up to that point in my life and only one sibling showed up for it and that was a sister who couldn't even go in! So yea, I get it! Then she said, well, don't come then and we hung up.

She did call back a few minutes later to apologize and she felt bad and said she had just been feeling onery and was taking it out on me. but it just goes to show how our perceptions work. It is funny how we all feel our world revolves around ourselves and our little families. I don't look at going to S.'s to see a house, I go to see her but she feels bad I haven't seen her house. I felt bad when only 1 of 9 siblings showed up for our sealing yet only one could have gone through and only a couple even are active and have testimonies. That's life.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

The art of smart

This is what I think. We learn to be smart after we are born. Intelligence is not smarts. I was thinking back on my childhood and how I felt about myself and school as compared to my own kids. They do great in school and they FEEL smart.

I did not do well in school at any age. Not until college, and I ask myself "why?" My parents worried that there was something wrong with me so they had me tested for resource classes. The results came back that I was either unmotivated or just lazy. Now, as I think back on it. I did not feel lazy nor did I feel unmotivated. I actually felt incapable of doing better. I FELT stupid. I really didn't think that would change much if I studied harder or put more effort in. Where did these thoughts come from? How on earth could a child from a relatively normal family feel this way? Who put it into my head that I was stupid, because I don't think I came from God with those thoughts! I don't know. I may never know but it has been so cool finding out how smart I really am. That I do pick things up quick. That I can do anything anyone else can do if my desire is great enough.
I had tried to instill these thought patterns in my own children and I see it working. Why did my own parents not see this? Probably because they had 4 wild teenages to take care of and I was left to just grow up? Maybe.
Sometimes, even now, those insecure thoughts creep out and scare me! It's hard to believe they are still there under the surface hiding out. My life is wonderful. I love it now. I am living exactly the way I want to be for the most part, and that is all that matters at the moment.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

The Master Cleanser

I just wanted to tell you about the "diet" I am on. I don't know if many people know about the lemonade diet. Actually, I am not doing it for a diet. I am doing it because I am still sick. It's actually called "The master Cleanser". It is a cleansing diet that scours out your whole system and you can lose weight with it too. They say if you have a chronic illness or anyother illness, it will help. Anyway, I have done it a few times and I really like it.
On the first 2 days you drink a saltwater mix first thing in the morning. It is 2 tsp. sea salt to one quart warm water. Your body will not absorb it as it is the same consistancy as your blood. It will go right through you and clean out your bowels. Don't go anywhere for a couple of hours because you will spend some time on the throne. Anyway, do that the first two monings only. Then, the rest of the day, whenever you are hundry, just drink the lemonade. To make it is easy. Two Tbs. fresh lemon juice,(half a lemon), 2 Tbs. pure grade "B" maple syrup, and a dash of cayanne pepper and fill the glass up the rest of the way with water. Now, I use grade A syrup because I can't stand the taste of grade B, but B has more vitamins and minerals than A. If you want to know more about it, look it up on google. There are quite a few sites on it. It works and I don't feel hungry. It is a little hard in a house where everyone else is eating good stuff, but this is for a higher Cause!! *smile*

Friday, September 16, 2005

sick and tired

Hello! Today I am sick and tired! For real! I have caught a cold from my kids that they have all gotten over and left me alone in my misery! I didn't sleep well so I really am sick and tired. So, I will do the basic things and then read the 6th Harry Potter book.
Now, there is a little controversy in our ward about Harry Potter. I have a neighbor that won't allow her teenage sons to read it or see the movies. She definately has the right to her apinion and I don't criticize her for it because she is a good friend but I LOVE Harry Potter. When I was young, before Harry was ever born, I used to dream of being magic. I would make up adventures and day dream about it all the time. I think some people are wanting to protect their children fron reading about something that has evil in it. If that is the case, then no more Snow white, Sleeping beauty, Little Mermaid and all the other Walt Disney movies.
My opinion is that the Harry Potter books show the evil in obvious ways. I want my kids to know there are bad things and bad people out there and to always be prepared instead of scared of it. (well, maybe a little scared of it) We have started studying the Book of Mormon every night for the kid's reading time they have to do for school.. It is wonderful because the evil in that book is just as obvious and teaches people what to look out for. Now I am not suggesting that Harry potter is anywhere near the Book of Mormon as far as a teaching tool, I am just saying that maybe people shouldn't get so alfired up about something they have never read. It could have valuable lesson to learn in it.
That is enough of my soap box for one day. I will now lay down on my beautiful king size bed and snuggle up with Harry. It's a good thing I don't have a jealous husband!

Thursday, September 15, 2005

the running drug

I LOVE to run! Yet I can't do it! Let me tell you a little story about the power of your brain. When a person runs or exercises hard, your brain releases chemicals into your system to sustain and make you feel good. It is very addicting! I had started running about three years ago and loved it. It would get this feeling in my body and I just HAD to go for a run. well, I re-hurt an old injury in my back and it became too painful to run. Actually, it was my sacrum that was the problem. That is the little triangle bone that sits between your two hip bones and carries your spinal column. Anyway, it took two years and the help of a fantastic chiropractor and I was able to start training again, well, in my zeal, I got a pretty bad shinsplint and had to stop. When I could go again, I developed achillies tendonities and that is really painful. It almost feels like a charly horse in your calf muscle that wont go away. So I stopped again. Then the outside tendon on that same leg by my knee started to hurt a little. Well, by this time, I am starting to wonder if there is some higher power that doesn't want me to run! But I am invincible! I will not give up so easily! So I started again and my shinsplint got so bad I had to wear a cast for 3 weeks!!!!

well, now I have had my cast off for 2 weeks and I am starting SLOW! I walked today for a 1/2 hour and went 2 miles. Now mind you, that is after two weeks of going really slow so I am pretty proud! And I am happy to report, NO PAIN SO FAR!!!!! I can still remember that high when I used to run and It still calls to me! I will be a runner again before I die if it kills me and it just may!

Wednesday, September 14, 2005


Well, I did it again!! I can't believe it. I just wrote my blog in word perfect and forgot to save it and when I was copying and pasting, I lost it!

So I will try to re-write it as best I can. I come from a large family. I have 3 brothers and 5 sisters. We are all very close. In fact, us girls are all best friends except for one. One of my siters is adopted and we got her when she was almost 18. It was really hard when she came because she had alot of baggage. She had lived in 10 different foster homes, had been sexually, verbally, and emotionaly abused. She sucked her thumb and was very immature and my Dad really catered to her which caused problems in itself. We weren't a perfect family but we all grew up really loving eachother.
My sisters and I get together every year for our sisters weekend no matter where we are living. I have 2 sisters in California, 2 in Oregon and there are 2 of us in Utah. Annette, my adopted sister never has money and her life is always in a crisis somehow. She always comes to our weekends but never brings much with her. We all have to work hard to save our money to go and yet it seems like someone is always having to bail her out or pay her way or something and she has worked it so that people feel sorry for her and do it. Well, we are not doing it this year. We are going to Vegas and everyone has known for a long time that we are going to a couple of shows and to save their money.
I spoke to her last week and as usual she doesn't have much to bring but says that she is perfectly fine not going to the shows and just sitting by the pool. Now, picture what will happen when the 5 of us go out and she stays at the condo. One of my sisters suggested an Annette fund so she can go with us. The rest of us flatly refused that idea. We have all payed her way before and we are all tired of it. Tell me, am I just being selfish and un-Christ like or should we let her shoulder her own responsibilities for a while. Maybe she will learn if no one comes to her rescue this time.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

first day to dance

My little 3 year old starts dance for the first time today. I signed her up for pre-ballet. I really liked this teacher because all her students wear age appropriate outfits and do age appropriate dance moves. It seems like everywhere you look there are little girls with make-up shaking their little hips and I don’t like that . Heidi is my daughter and she loves to dance so I hope to point her in the right direction with ballet.
I love my life. I don’t make much money by being a stay at home mom but I wouldn’t trade jobs with my husband for anything. My sister in law can’t have kids and she is very bitter and angry and has a real chip on her shoulder about it. She and her husband have taken the foster care classes to become foster parents but she is mad at the leaders because they won’t let her have a baby if she works. If she really wants a baby that bad, she will have to probably sell her expensive cars, start shopping at Walmart and cut up her credit cards so she wont HAVE to work but she doesn’t see it. No body has the courage to say that to her either because she is a little venomous. Truthfully, it is probably good they don’t have kids. I can’t imagine how it would be to grow up in her house. They are so critical of those of us in the family who do have kids. Some people have all the answers until they get there. But who am I to judge, I did that too before I had kids of my own. (But no quite so meanly)
Anyway, I am feeling great today and my children are little angels. It is only 8:00am though so give ‘em time! Ha!

Monday, September 12, 2005

Hello all,
I am trying something new. I am typing my blog on word perfect and will copy and paste on my blog page. I have lost 3 blogs just today and I am so frustrated with it that I want to scream to I will try this. Obviously, i am not a computer genious but I am working on it.
I tried twice this morning to type my blog. The first time, It got erased. I'd had a virus on my computer which wouldn't let me publish it. Everything I wrote got erased. So I got rid of the virus and retyped it and then I decided I didn't like my old pink template verymuch so I decided to change it to this green one, Well, I had typed the words in red and on this background it looked terrible so I tried to change the letter to white and it erased it again!!!! I think I am not supposed to write what I did! It was actually a very beautiful tribute to my friend Howard Nicholes who died last week.. I am heart broken about it. So sorry to you who didn't get to read it.


I am jsut heart sick. I just spent the last little while writing a blog that was very dear to me and I lkost it as I tried to post it. I hope this works. It wouldn't post any of my blogs. I found 2 viruses on my computer which I have gotten rid of and I hope it worked.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005


Hello all,

I wonder how honest people really are on their blogs. I have a frusteration that has nothing to do with canning and I am going to be completely honest.
As some of you may know if you ready my bio, I am a foster mom. I have a one year old foster baby who I have had since he was about 3 months old. He can be a really happy, adorable baby but when he's mad or I do something like put him to bed or put him down or even lay him down just to change his diaper, he screams like someone is cutting off his arms. After a year, I am REALLY tired of it. Sometimes it triggers an anger in me that I am ashamed to admit even exists. What I am sure he really needs is extra love security and I should hug and kiss him to reassure him but most of the time I get so irritated by it that I put him in his crib and shut the door.
His birth mom worked really hard to earn him back and she did great and we became pretty close during the time I had him. Well, she had him for 3 weeks and couldn't handle it and asked us if we would adopt him. During the time I had him I had kept a wall up just a little. I didn't want to get totally attached and then have to give him up. Now I find I am having a hard time turning that around. I don't feel about him the way I do my own kids and It makes me feel terrible. Especially when he cries like he does. He is going to be mine now and I am really afraid that he can feel that I don't love him like I should and that that will ruin him.
I also know that on the up side, when he is happy I do adore him. I know I need to be more greatful that I have him now and he will have a wonderful life growing up on a little farm with horses and chickens and cats and a dog instead of growing up with a bunch of meth addicts. I also feel that there are some really important things I need to learn from him. Like there is a higher purpose for him being here. It's just tough sometimes. Anyone out there know what I mean?

Monday, September 05, 2005

a new season

Well, a new day is halfway through. I've set up this new blogg with the help of my dear friend Lisa, whose blogg some of you may have read. The computer scene is relatively new to me so if it takes me a while just be patient.
I finished canning peaches today. I feel like such a homemaker. This is my second year to can and I am 35 years old so I am a little bit of a late bloomer. But I like to believe that no matter what your age, it's healthy to start or try something new you have never done before and don't be afraid. I have to admit, I do call my neighbors to ask for advice in cooking and canning all the time. It seems like a miracle that my husband and 4 kids haven't been poisoned by now but the Lord does work in mysterious ways. Sometimes I feel pretty stupid like I should know some of the answers already but it also makes people feel good to help. Remember that when you have a question but are insecure about asking for an answer.
At the moment, I don't have much else to ponder about so maybe I will sign off for now.

first entry

Hello friends. I'm just getting started here so be patient