Wednesday, September 07, 2005

frusterations

Hello all,

I wonder how honest people really are on their blogs. I have a frusteration that has nothing to do with canning and I am going to be completely honest.
As some of you may know if you ready my bio, I am a foster mom. I have a one year old foster baby who I have had since he was about 3 months old. He can be a really happy, adorable baby but when he's mad or I do something like put him to bed or put him down or even lay him down just to change his diaper, he screams like someone is cutting off his arms. After a year, I am REALLY tired of it. Sometimes it triggers an anger in me that I am ashamed to admit even exists. What I am sure he really needs is extra love security and I should hug and kiss him to reassure him but most of the time I get so irritated by it that I put him in his crib and shut the door.
His birth mom worked really hard to earn him back and she did great and we became pretty close during the time I had him. Well, she had him for 3 weeks and couldn't handle it and asked us if we would adopt him. During the time I had him I had kept a wall up just a little. I didn't want to get totally attached and then have to give him up. Now I find I am having a hard time turning that around. I don't feel about him the way I do my own kids and It makes me feel terrible. Especially when he cries like he does. He is going to be mine now and I am really afraid that he can feel that I don't love him like I should and that that will ruin him.
I also know that on the up side, when he is happy I do adore him. I know I need to be more greatful that I have him now and he will have a wonderful life growing up on a little farm with horses and chickens and cats and a dog instead of growing up with a bunch of meth addicts. I also feel that there are some really important things I need to learn from him. Like there is a higher purpose for him being here. It's just tough sometimes. Anyone out there know what I mean?

3 comments:

Lisa M. said...

Melissa~

I don't think you give yourself much credit.

Here is what I think. In a way, I feel like you are really dissapointed in the birth Mom, you mothered her, and she really let you down. And just as if she were your own daughter, you are MORE than allowed to be frustrated with her. She didn't really even give it a try. Not to mention that she has a slew of other children out there. You held that beauitful baby of hers for months, teaching her, training her, being patient with her, and believing in her. And she totally TOTALLY didn't really even put must energy into it, at the end.

HOW devistating.

Beyond that, until everything is said and done, there is still that hint, that it might not happen. How can you possibly protect your heart, and bond with your new baby at the same time? What a tight rope to walk. As well as with her past MO (method of operation) you have to wonder if she will try to change her mind again. Let alone if one of the fathers decide they want the baby.

There are SO many if's. Don't you think the frustration has little to do with the baby, but much to do about the circumstances in which you have him. You didn't enter the foster parent program to adopt!

I know, that you are a great Mom. I think you are one of the most open, honest parents I know. Perhaps this baby was with you in the pre existance, that he choose, your family with a birth Mom as his vessel?

Babies are hard work, especially when the circumstances are so up in the air. Consult Heavenly Father, pray for patience, rely on your friends, and revel in your many blessings.

It will all come together, I promise you. Whatever is supposed to happen will. Sometimes I swear I see your Mom nudging you along. *smile* She would be so proud of you.

I love you!

Lis!~

Paul said...

I know exactly what you mean! Sometimes I feel the same way about my own kids! Please don't feel bad. You're doing something that most people wouldn't dare to try, so give yourself a lot of credit for that. It just means you're human. It's kind of hard to accept, but we're all in the same boat, and you're doing more than you're fair share of the rowing. But you're making the world a better place and saving a childs life from disaster. Thank goodness there are people like you!

melissa c said...

Thank you so much for eommenting. It really means alot. Lisa, you made me cry. That is exactly how I feel and I had never put it into words like that. Thankyou so much. Ilove you.