Gratitude

I was just thinking about all the things I am grateful for in my life as I sat down to a computer that is working great today. I can't get over the miracle of a great neighbor who was willing to come over on his day off to work on my computer.

There is another thing I am grateful for and I will get to it in a minute. Let me explain first why I feel this way. Lately, I have been feeling, oh, I don'w know, it is hard to explain. I have felt impatient with my kids, frusterated and irritable. I felt down and angry at myself for not being able to control my temper, this in turn makes me feel like a bad wife and mother which leads to feeling depressed which leads to a messy house. Well, the other day, I was contiplating all of this and I realized, "Oh my gosh! It's November!" Every fall this happens to me. I get what some call "SAD". Some people don't even believe it is real. Just like they don't think PMS is real. Anyway, I used to take Celexa during the winter but this year I really wanted to be drug free. I exercize everyday, I eat really healthy, I try to feed my spirit with good things and yet, this fall, I still have these feelings, which was also depressing. I had vowed I would never use drugs like that again. I have a sister who is in to Scientology and we talk about it alot. Their theory is that antidepressants are just a bandaid and that you need to find the issue which is deeper, resolve it, and you won't have those sad feelings anymore. You know, I believe that too. I believe that the physical and mental are completely connected. I think we make ourselves sick and don't even realize it or why. In this case, I was thinking all this and then I thought, my kids need a happy mom NOW. They don't deserve to wait how ever long it takes me to figure out my psychosis!

I had a full bottle of Celexa in the cupboard that I never used or threw out so I took one. I felt it was the right thing to do. I felt the effect of it almost within a couple of hours. It seems to make me feel calm and I lose that irritation I feel at everything. I feel so good and at peace with with decision. My kids are even responding differently to me. They can tell I guess that I am not going to fly off the handle or something! I actually can let my self loose and play, where before, I don't know. Unless you have felt it, it is really hard to explain. To make this long story short. I am grateful for modern day drugs.

This is a subject that is really difficult for me to talk about or even admit to. It sometimes makes me feel like a failure as a woman to not be able to control my hormones at the snap of my fingers! I know this subject is controversial for some but this is my story today. Thanks for listening. Have a good one.