Thursday, November 17, 2005

Gratitude

I was just thinking about all the things I am grateful for in my life as I sat down to a computer that is working great today. I can't get over the miracle of a great neighbor who was willing to come over on his day off to work on my computer.
There is another thing I am grateful for and I will get to it in a minute. Let me explain first why I feel this way. Lately, I have been feeling, oh, I don'w know, it is hard to explain. I have felt impatient with my kids, frusterated and irritable. I felt down and angry at myself for not being able to control my temper, this in turn makes me feel like a bad wife and mother which leads to feeling depressed which leads to a messy house. Well, the other day, I was contiplating all of this and I realized, "Oh my gosh! It's November!" Every fall this happens to me. I get what some call "SAD". Some people don't even believe it is real. Just like they don't think PMS is real. Anyway, I used to take Celexa during the winter but this year I really wanted to be drug free. I exercize everyday, I eat really healthy, I try to feed my spirit with good things and yet, this fall, I still have these feelings, which was also depressing. I had vowed I would never use drugs like that again. I have a sister who is in to Scientology and we talk about it alot. Their theory is that antidepressants are just a bandaid and that you need to find the issue which is deeper, resolve it, and you won't have those sad feelings anymore. You know, I believe that too. I believe that the physical and mental are completely connected. I think we make ourselves sick and don't even realize it or why. In this case, I was thinking all this and then I thought, my kids need a happy mom NOW. They don't deserve to wait how ever long it takes me to figure out my psychosis!
I had a full bottle of Celexa in the cupboard that I never used or threw out so I took one. I felt it was the right thing to do. I felt the effect of it almost within a couple of hours. It seems to make me feel calm and I lose that irritation I feel at everything. I feel so good and at peace with with decision. My kids are even responding differently to me. They can tell I guess that I am not going to fly off the handle or something! I actually can let my self loose and play, where before, I don't know. Unless you have felt it, it is really hard to explain. To make this long story short. I am grateful for modern day drugs.
This is a subject that is really difficult for me to talk about or even admit to. It sometimes makes me feel like a failure as a woman to not be able to control my hormones at the snap of my fingers! I know this subject is controversial for some but this is my story today. Thanks for listening. Have a good one.

4 comments:

Ana said...

Melissa, I am GLAD you were strong enough to do what you felt was right! Good for you! Here's to a happy and peaceful winter where you can really enjoy your family and all the wonderful seasonal things going on!

Anonymously Yours... said...

My dear, dear, dear, blogger, friend...
Don't EVER think that you are less of ANYTHING for taking medication that can help a CHEMICAL thing!! I think that too many times we (especially women) feel the need to be perfect. I am appauled at people who pass judgement (nope...not a big fan of Tom Cruise lately...) and say that these types of things only need an "understanding of deeper things..." These "things" are CHEMICALLY linked DEFICIENCES that need a little "boost" once in a while, or in my case, will probably need "boosting" for the long haul ("smile"). If you were anemic, would'nt you take extra iron? If you were a diabetic (which I also own stock in), wouldn't you take insulin? I am SO GLAD that medicine has advanced so much that I can feel functional! Are we "less" because of this? NO WAY!! You are taking care of your body, you are loving your family, you have a testimony of faith...THESE are what matter! To all those people who "know..." until you walk in MY shoes, or anyone elses, that is a pretty bold statement, which to my knowledge, only ONE person can make (Jesus Christ).

I don't even know you that well...but I am very proud of you, and don't ever apologize for doing all you can to take care of yourself! Here's to Celexa (and Wellbutrin, and Zoloft in my case "smile")!! Keep smiling, and ENJOY this season, instead of fight against it!

melissa c said...

Thank you all for your comments. It makes me feel so supported. I do feel good about my choice and I feel great now! *smile*

Lisa M. said...

I agree with Ana and AY.

And you know how I feel. I am so glad you are feeling better! That is super.

I am also glad your puter is working again! *grin*

Arn't good friends, really miracles?

That is for sure how I feel about you!

Love, Lis

OH I so need some make up. Remind me to come shopping.