Wednesday, October 04, 2006

It's wednesday morning and I know I haven't written for a while. I just couldn't decide what I was in the mood to write about.

I have actually been feeling really bad for the last day. I lost my temper with one of my kids and slapped him. It left a mark. I have been in a terrible depression since it happened last night.

I was raised in a home where physical violence was the norm. I swore mine would not be. Once in a while, and usually at a certain time of the month, I am so much more irritable. It is no excuse and makes me feel terrible. I don't know how to tame that monster who lives in me.

It seldom happens but when I do lose it, I feel like I can't control it. I want to stop this cycle. I know others sometimes fee it, especially those who were physically abused as kids. I know all of my brothers and sisters feel it at one time or another, I have seen it, which makes me not feel so alone, but I am.

I know I am responsible for my own actions and I swear it will never happen again and then almost out of nowhere, like a ghost, it comes.

I sometimes think I have this weaknes because it really does draw me closer to Heavenly Father. It makes me want to be stonger so I pray more, study the scriptures more ect...

Does anyone else out there struggle with this? I swore I wouldn't keep baring my sins online but this is what is one my mind right now. I don't want advice. I already know the answers. I need to go to the temple more, pray harder, give myself time outs, study the scriptures, sing a hymn. I know, I know, I know. I really think my problem is hormonal and that, I don't know how to fix. I will NOT take an antidepressant. That is only a bandaid anyway.

I hate to think that this will be a life long struggle. It is not fair to me or my kids. I am not going to a therapist either. I don't think they help and I have studied psychology all through school. I know enough to last a lifetime. They will just tell me it is my mother's fault anyway!

I really believe that only me and God can fix this. It makes me think of something I heard in conference last week. Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to anger.


Yolanda said...

When I originally saw your post, I was at a lost for what to say...Then this morning it came to me...

"Endure it well."

All through Conference, they spoke of EVERYONE having trials, tests, bad-habits, blemishes...that these things would be a part of everyone's lives...But that it was in our charge to overcome, learn from, and develope from these issues that arise in our lives. The ONLY way we can grow, and become more like our HF is to have these "hand-picked" trials to teach and HUMBLE us...

For whatever reason, you must deal with your anger...For whatever reasons it may stem from, YOU must deal with your anger and find a way to "endure it well..."

On a personal note...If I didn't have "medical help" for my imbalances (whether it be chemical, hormonal, anxiety, etc.) I would NOT be a FUNCTIONAL person, not to even mention a mother! I know the great debate over these types of medicines, and feel that everyone is different. If they only serve as a "bandaid" to some, than they aren't physical or "chemical" faults that would of benefitted from them in the first place, to which I WOULD recommend counseling...

I was a "non-believer" in counseling, until four years ago, when an event in my life left me unable to get through a road-block in my life...WHAT A BLESSING IT TURNED OUT TO BE!! Now, I also KNOW that there are the "quack jobs" and "repressed memory" type of therapists out there...You need to do your homework!! I found a therapist who was serving as a Bishop at the time, and did everything in line with the teachings of the Gospel. He told me that he believed that, "Whatever I counsel people to do, I MYSELF will be held accountable for the direction I give them, which is why I hinge all my guides on gospel principles..." Now, along with this, the guy did A LOT of school to get where he is...He is an EXPERT in his field...(I doubt he got all this knowledge from a BA at a univeristy...)

Please know that I love you, and it makes me sad to see you struggle. But I also know that with the Lord's help, He will guide you to how to overcome this obstacle...You just need to be receptive to His answers, and humble yourself to hear the advice he will give you...whether it be medicine, counseling, or some other path that may scare you.

xoxo Yolanda

melissa c said...

Thank you Yolanda. You are so right.