It's wednesday morning and I know I haven't written for a while. I just couldn't decide what I was in the mood to write about.
I have actually been feeling really bad for the last day. I lost my temper with one of my kids and slapped him. It left a mark. I have been in a terrible depression since it happened last night.
I was raised in a home where physical violence was the norm. I swore mine would not be. Once in a while, and usually at a certain time of the month, I am so much more irritable. It is no excuse and makes me feel terrible. I don't know how to tame that monster who lives in me.
It seldom happens but when I do lose it, I feel like I can't control it. I want to stop this cycle. I know others sometimes fee it, especially those who were physically abused as kids. I know all of my brothers and sisters feel it at one time or another, I have seen it, which makes me not feel so alone, but I am.
I know I am responsible for my own actions and I swear it will never happen again and then almost out of nowhere, like a ghost, it comes.
I sometimes think I have this weaknes because it really does draw me closer to Heavenly Father. It makes me want to be stonger so I pray more, study the scriptures more ect...
Does anyone else out there struggle with this? I swore I wouldn't keep baring my sins online but this is what is one my mind right now. I don't want advice. I already know the answers. I need to go to the temple more, pray harder, give myself time outs, study the scriptures, sing a hymn. I know, I know, I know. I really think my problem is hormonal and that, I don't know how to fix. I will NOT take an antidepressant. That is only a bandaid anyway.
I hate to think that this will be a life long struggle. It is not fair to me or my kids. I am not going to a therapist either. I don't think they help and I have studied psychology all through school. I know enough to last a lifetime. They will just tell me it is my mother's fault anyway!
I really believe that only me and God can fix this. It makes me think of something I heard in conference last week. Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to anger.
Welcome, Tamara Hanks Grantham! - Crimson Tree Publishing is proud to present Bloodthorn, Olive Kennedy Fairy World MD Book 3, by Tamara Grantham! Olive Kennedy doesn’t believe in ...
1 year ago