Wednesday, October 25, 2006

The written word

I have always been a terrible journal keeper. My mother was the queen of journal keeping and she TRIED to instill that in all of us but I don't know how well it took. She'd be so dissapointed! I have a few journals, all of them unfinished and gathering dust.

Then, as I sat here looking at my blog site, I realized I have a whole years worth of journal entries right here. I decided to print them month by month and will keep them in a binder. It's not an everyday diary but it's something I can keep and my children will know what I was doing and going through that month in my life.

Back to my mom. She kept journals her whole life. President Kimball said it was a commandment and she did it. No questions asked. My brother has the whole set I think and let me tell you, I think I should get a few of those! I would love to sit down and read on any given day something she was going through at my age.

Journaling is very therapeutic and good for us but more importantly, it's for posterity. I WANT my kids to know me. I want them to know my faults and weeknesses as well as the good things. I want them to be able to learn from my mistakes and hopefully, not make the same ones. I want them to know how much I loved them when they were little and to remember all the fun things we did together.

I would give anything to be able to sit down with Mom and pick her brain about her life and experiences. She was so wise and I did not know it then. Now that I am a mother, I do know it. She tried so hard to do what's right and to teach us and I didn't get it. She had such a hard life and yet rose above it. Her father died when she was 2, she was sexually abused by her neighbor for years, she had no room of her own because her mom had borders, she had no money, She was super skinny and hated her body. It wasn't until she was 17 that she joined the church and started to change her life around. It made her boyfriend dump her but she kept going. She met a great guy who it turned out was on the rebound, married her and really wasnt' the best suited for her.

She lived her life for her kids and when she found out she had breast cancer, finally started to live her own dreams. But she only got 10 years of that. Maybe she got to die young because her life was so hard and yet she did her best to rise above it. Maybe God said, "you deserve a break. Come on home" I am sure she is much happier there then she ever was here but man I miss her. I think she would roll over in her grave if she could see what some of us kids are up to. Although, I am sure she knows. That's a scary thought!

This blog has turned out a little different than I planned it but that's ok. It felt good to write. Here's to you, Mom.


Yolanda said...


Lisa M. said...

This made me cry.