I cannot believe I lost my temper like I did on my blog! But If I can't write my true feelings here, then my blog is pointless to me. Anyway, sorry. Now you all know that I have a little bit of a temper. Must be the Irish in me.

I wrote what I did, like I did because I know that the person I wrote it about will probably read it and I feel like I can't say what I want to face to face because I am not listened to. There really is probably no right or wrong here so I don't know how it got blown out of proportion like it did but If people have a problem with me, well, sorry.

If you haven't figured it out, it deals with family and family is always ruder and harsher than necessary it seem like. None of my friends would even think of talking to me like my sisters do sometimes. Thank heavens for those friends who know how to hold their tongues even when they might want to say something critical. That is something people need to learn to do better in families.

The sad thing is that the kids pay for it. My kids are best friends with their cousins and yet I have no desire to spend time with family at the moment. I am sure they think it is all me and that I am being......whatever, but I am so tired of ALWAYS being the first to apologize. It just doesn't matter enough to me at the moment. I have a great life and if my sister wants to be a part of it, she needs to be a little nicer. Is that rude to say? I don't need the friendship of people who constantly critisize me or make me feel like a failure or make me feel less than.

I need to be around positive people. I can't hang with poeple who bring me down and I have found some wonderful friends here where I live who I adore. Than heavens for them. They are women who love me and know me well, and accept me for who I am and what I am. I cherish them and you all know who you are. That includes you too Yolanda!

Happy Halloween!!! It is a beautiful day and I am so excited for it. At the moment though, I feel very irritated.

I have just about had it with self righteous people who think they know how it is. I am just going to vent here for a minute and if you want to click out, it won't hurt my feelings.

My husband and I own our own business. There is no such thing as "Saturday". We WORK every day but Sundays and sometimes even then! We don't have the luxury of a "day off" and the few times when Bry doesn't have to work on Saturday, we have SO MANY things that need to get done that have been waiting for so long that we try to get to those things.

I am SO sorry we can't go help others every weekend like some people think we should! I am so sorry we are such selfish people that we can't help like other, more wonderful, giving people can. Maybe if we got a big fat salary check every month, we wouldn't feel such pressure to work every day. If Bry isn't out there, we don't eat and we don't pay bills. If I am not here at the computer working the paper work, we don't eat or pay the bills. That is in between everything else I have to do.

I think the people out there who judge others for their lack of "helping" have no idea what someone elses life is like. It is very easy to judge and say " I am just as busy as you are". That may be true, but unless you are completely self employed, you don't know the stress that comes with "not working". Especially for someone like Bry who has angry people and contractors breathing down his neck DAILY because construction isn't going as fast as they want it to.

My husband works harder than any man I know. He works longer hours and comes home dead and the time he does have off are going to be spent with his babies before they go to bed. If he makes it home before bed time!!!!!!!!!

Until you have walked in another's shoes, don't act like you know everything!!

crazy day

It's Sunday Morning and I sit here trying to not be irritated with my husband. We have been up since the crack of dawn since no one in this house knows how to sleep in. I have been dressed and ready for 3 hours! (mainly because of the extra hour we get with day light savings)

We have to leave in 1/2 an hour and Bryan is still in his feeding clothes. (clothes he feeds the horses in). I just yelled at him and threatened to kill if he makes us late! The next thing he did was give my 4 year old and open face sandwich with "Nutella" on it AFTER I had already dressed her in her church clothes. That's just about grounds for murder.

My husband is such a beautiful, smart man that it amazes me he can be such an idiot sometimes!!!!

Speaking of idiots, today I teach the gospel doctrine class. Not last week like I thought. I went to church last week all prepared to go and then found out after I got there that it was this week I was supposed to teach! The good thing is that I am completely prepared and that nervous, scared feeling I had last week is gone. Guess I used that all up last week.

This week I am actually excited to teach. It's a great subject and I understand what I am supposed to teach. I hope the spirit is there too!

I got some new Birkenstocks that have a high arch. The normal ones feel really good but I have always felt like I could use a little higher arch on the right side. They are talking a little getting used to but so did the origional ones I got. I couldn't walk after wearing those for the first time! Plus they stretch out that tight tendon on my right foot.

Well folks, I hope you all have a lovely Sunday! Catch you all later!

My MEME

1) FIRST NAME? John Jacob Jingle Heimerschmidt
2) WERE YOU NAMED AFTER SOMEONE? Nope
3) DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Not really. It looks like boys writing. A young boys writing!
4) LUNCHMEAT? I hate to admit it, but I do like a good bologna sandwich with a little mayo and mustard.
5) KIDS? got 4
6) COULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOURSELF? Of course. I like me most of the time!
7) DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL? Yep. Right here on blogger.com
8) DO YOU USE SARCSAM A LOT? NEVER!!!!!
9) DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Yes, and they're mine MINE MINE!!!!
10) WOULD YOU BUNGEE? I would. I think that would be thrilling.
11) WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? I like frosted mini wheats, Grapenuts, wheat checks
12) DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES BEFORE TAKING THEM OFF? Yes I do. Always. I want them ready for the next time I put them on.
13) DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Physically or mentally?
14) WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR? Peppermint. You know, that candie cane kind?
15) SHOE SIZE? I refuse to admit it!
16) RED OR PINK? Both. Love 'em
17) WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? It's hard to say. I don't like my nose, my extra set of hips, the hair that grows out of my chin periodically and my flat behind!
18) WHAT DO YOU MISS THE MOST? My mom
19) LAST THING YOU ATE? a banana and it tasted too sweet.
20) WHAT COLOR OF PANT & SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? blue jeans and socks. No shoes at the moment.
21) WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? "Thomas and friends" believe me, it's for my little kiddies.
23) WHAT COLOR OF CRAYON WOULD YOU BE? I would be one of those rainbow cayons with a munitude of shades!
24) FAVORITE SMELL? lavender, lilacs, roses, and lever soap.
25) WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? My sexy man!
26) THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO? eyes and muscles! Sorry, but it's true!
27) DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON THAT SENT THIS TO YOU? yep! That would be me!
28) FAVORITE DRINK? water. really and truely
29) FAVORITE SPORT? I love hiking and swimming the best although I do love to run.
30) HAT SIZE? very small. I can wear kids hats. Small brain I guess.
31) DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? I USED to! Got my eyes fixed a few years ago! LOVE IT!!!
32) FAVORITE FOOD? I don't have one. I could and would eat almost anything!
33) SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? both!!! I love scary movies and not many people will go with me! I love a happy ending though too. Makes my heart melt!
34) LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED AT THE THEATER? "Flyboys"
35) COLOR OF SHIRT YOU ARE WEARING ? burgandy
36) SUMMER OR WINTER? I'd have to say FALL!
37) HUGGS OR KISSES? depends on who they are with!
38) FAVORITE DESSERT? like I said. Anything!!!
39) WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING? "Jeruselm Interlude"
40) WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT? Seinfeld. Love that show.
41) FAVORITE SOUND? running bath water!
42) ROLLING STONE OR THE BEATLES? Beatles except when it's the rolling stones!
43) FURTHEST YOU'VE BEEN AWAY FROM HOME? Venezuela!
44) WHAT'S YOUR SPECIAL TALENT? I am a great lover!
45) WHEN AND WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Eugene, Oregon on July 14

This was a very long MEME, thanks for Listening. I would love to hear more about you.

The written word

I have always been a terrible journal keeper. My mother was the queen of journal keeping and she TRIED to instill that in all of us but I don't know how well it took. She'd be so dissapointed! I have a few journals, all of them unfinished and gathering dust.

Then, as I sat here looking at my blog site, I realized I have a whole years worth of journal entries right here. I decided to print them month by month and will keep them in a binder. It's not an everyday diary but it's something I can keep and my children will know what I was doing and going through that month in my life.

Back to my mom. She kept journals her whole life. President Kimball said it was a commandment and she did it. No questions asked. My brother has the whole set I think and let me tell you, I think I should get a few of those! I would love to sit down and read on any given day something she was going through at my age.

Journaling is very therapeutic and good for us but more importantly, it's for posterity. I WANT my kids to know me. I want them to know my faults and weeknesses as well as the good things. I want them to be able to learn from my mistakes and hopefully, not make the same ones. I want them to know how much I loved them when they were little and to remember all the fun things we did together.

I would give anything to be able to sit down with Mom and pick her brain about her life and experiences. She was so wise and I did not know it then. Now that I am a mother, I do know it. She tried so hard to do what's right and to teach us and I didn't get it. She had such a hard life and yet rose above it. Her father died when she was 2, she was sexually abused by her neighbor for years, she had no room of her own because her mom had borders, she had no money, She was super skinny and hated her body. It wasn't until she was 17 that she joined the church and started to change her life around. It made her boyfriend dump her but she kept going. She met a great guy who it turned out was on the rebound, married her and really wasnt' the best suited for her.

She lived her life for her kids and when she found out she had breast cancer, finally started to live her own dreams. But she only got 10 years of that. Maybe she got to die young because her life was so hard and yet she did her best to rise above it. Maybe God said, "you deserve a break. Come on home" I am sure she is much happier there then she ever was here but man I miss her. I think she would roll over in her grave if she could see what some of us kids are up to. Although, I am sure she knows. That's a scary thought!

This blog has turned out a little different than I planned it but that's ok. It felt good to write. Here's to you, Mom.

My son J who is almost 11 has decided to be a runner now. He came home from school yesterday begging me to go on a run with him. He's more motivated since I bought him running shoes! I was actually not wanting to go really because, to be honsest, I just didn't want another let down.

It was the perfect evening though. Warm and sunny, yet cool enough to make it nice. So I relented. I put on my new running shoes for the first time. They felt pretty good. They are white and hot pink! J says they make his eyes hurt! But they felt the best at the store. I taught him how to stretch out and we started out in a slow jog.

It was immedieately obvious that he has a quicker pace even at his age than I do but I was going slow. I just wanted to test the waters and make sure nothing hurt. We only went a mile and he did great. So did I. No pain and it was very enjoyable. I was amazed. I am still holding my breath though because after 4 years, what looks too good to be true, usually is. ( I know, very cynical)

Today, (the day after) I am not sore. For the first time in I don't know how long, I am not sore the next day after a run. Still not getting my hopes up yet but feeling a LITTLE hopeful! I sure would like to be able to realize that dream of running.

I was talking to my brother in law who is a runner, he is doing the marathon in Antartica in Feb! Then on to Argentina for a marathon! How cool would that be? How exciting. That's living life!

Well, I'll keep you posted on my progress. I have a feeling my son will drag me out the door everyday until I am properly addicted once again. Today, I think we'll take Duke and Jenny.

A new beginning

Well your not going to believe this. I certainly don't. I feel like I have had the rug pulled out from under me.

I had pretty much given up on running. I just couldn't take it anymore. I have tried for a year. My feet started to bother me in about Feb. I have battled and battled it. I have bought so many pairs of shoes , I can't even count them. I have tried over 10 pairs of insoles, none of them working.

Last Feb. my chiropractor told me I had flat feet. Yesterday I found out that I not only DON'T have flat feet, but that I have very high arches! I was told by 3 different people in one week to go to a place called "Striders." It is a specialty store just for runners. I had never heard of it before. They have that foot thing that you stand on and a computer that shows the pressure points and arch of your feet etc.. It is very cool.

When they first did it and told me I have high arches I said "um, I don't think so. I have flat feet." The gal laughed and said we could do it again. Same result. NO WAY!!! No wonder I have had so many problems. My high arches are trying to fall but I just need more arch support. I don't know why I didn't figure it out before. If I had flat feet, any support would have been enough. Instead, I could never get enough support for my arch. I have been wearing shoes to run in that completely hold my foot in a position that it totally wrong for me.

Now, I find it a little irritating that my chiro would tell me that. He couldn't have known. I do pronate a little on the right but not like I would if I really had flat feet.

It just goes to show that Heavenly Father lets us get to our lowest point before he lifts us up. I had given it up. I had tried to be a runner for 4 years and had finally said, "can't do it". Then, within the time of one week, 3 people tell me to go to this place. I took it for a sign. I obeyed and now look. I would have gone to my death believing profoundly in something that wasn't true. That has really shaken me.

How often in our lives do we do that. Hold tenaciously to something we believe to be rock solid only to find out we had been clinging to sand. Wow. It has been a real eye opener for me.

I challenge you this week to look at your lives and see if there is anywhere there that you do this. See ya!

I'm back

Well, I think I have it pretty much figured out. I did that beta thing. I couldn't figure out how to post or anything. Lisa came over and helped! Thank heavens! I thought about just doing a new blog. Anonymously. But, I didn't want to leave what I have either. I love the friends I have here and you all now me and if I changed everything, I would have to start over.

I still might do that because there are things I would like to talk about that I don't want my family to know. Believe it or not, I do have secrets. I have kind of a loud mouth and love to talk and most people think I just open my mouth and everything comes out! At least my husband thinks that! But one thing I do feel good about is that I can keep a secret. A lot of people talk to me and confide in me because, they tell me, I don't judge them or gossip. I really like that and want to keep it that way.

But there are things I would love to get opinions on. It's crazy. I didn't realize how much I loved talking here on this blog about things that are private to me and none of you know me so it didn't matter to me what you thought. I miss that. I do care what my family thinks for some reason! Oh well, Well see! Adios!

I have slightly screwed up my blog site. I am working with it. we'll see what happens

Our Saturday activity was so much fun! I love hanging with the gals. B had taken the kids fishing and stayed overnight so I was free for the whole evening after we got back from Salt Lake.

Here is the best part! I got sick. I had had a little cold creeping up on me for a few days and that night, I got a terible headache that was so bad that it made me throw up! I layed in bed and watched some tv but went to sleep at 8pm. From there, I have a sore throat and coughing that keeps me up all night! Poor B, he has it now too.

They had fun camping and Grandma and their cousins were there. What a good dad to take the kids camping all by himself.

B is the new 1st counciler in the sunday school pres. They were missing a teacher for the 14 year olds and I told him I'd love to be a sub. I love that age. Well, he put me as a sub for ANY sunday school class and now, I am teaching gospel doctrine this coming Sunday!!! I swore I would never teach that class! It is the one that really scares me for some reason! Anyway, I know the only way to get over that is to just do it and I believe things happen for a reason. It's Isaiah as most of you know. You know, the guy that nobody gets? He a poet that goes right over my head! I'll let you know how it goes!

Anyway, have a great week friends!

Is it just me or are there alot of people in a slump as far as bogging goes? I know this time of year is busy but I sure miss how it used to be!

Tomarrow, our relief society is going on a field trip! I am so excited and have been looking forward to this for 2 months! We are carpooling down to Salt lake and will tour all the church history stuff, eat lunch at the lion house and see the newest church film that is out! We each only donate 5 bucks to the cause and the rest is free.

There are 56 women going! I think I will probably drive my new car! I LOVE spending time with friends. I know there are women out there who never do anything with friends or who even have any outside their families. I think this is very sad. Women friends can enrich our lives so much.

The best thing to happen to me was for all my sisters to move away. I never made a huge effort to have other close friends because I had my family. I love that I have made some girlfriends that are like sisters to me now. We can sit and chat on the phone for hours! Hard to believe? I am great at multitasking!

Anyway, What a gift our friends can be. Thank heavens for the gospel that brings us together. ANd other things too. It would be so much harder for me to meet people sinse I am normally so busy during the week. Well, gals, I hope you all have a great weekend and I hope you all comment on my blog!

Yea for life!

Well folks, We have it. I feel so spoiled! The funny thing is, it is a pretty simple car. Yet, I have never had such a nice car. I love the cd player. Something so simple but I have tons of cd's and my old van only had a tape player. We never changed it because, well, we never did.

I love that it has air conditioning. Niether of my past two cars did. I REALLY love that I can adjust the seat belt hight for me. Love that! I love that it is clean and my humble vow is that it will stay that way!

I love the two back sliding doors. How nice to get out and get G right behind me and not have to walk ALL the way around the car!

You know what it feels like? It's the same feeling I had when I came home from my mission and SO appreciated washing machines and hot water. We take so much for granted and we are so blessed here in America. We have no idea how easy we have it compared to so many others.

Just living in a house that does not have cement flooring is huge! Not to mention all the fun kitchen gadgets we enjoy here. I guess my point is that I feel like HF is giving me a break. Making my life easy and nice for a while. Little things that make a job easier and faster are so aprreciated in my world! You probably all feel the same way.

Our job as mothers and fathers is tough. We run, run, run, all day long and sometimes feel like no one appreciates it. I think He appreciates it. Waddle on!

Yea! We have have found a mini van we really like and we are buying it! It's a 2002 Murcury Villager and only has 53,000 miles. It's in great condition and I feel so blessed! The couple we are buying it from were really great! We are getting it for only 7,300. I don't think she researched what they are going for because the average price for a van in fair condition of this kind goes for at least 8500! And this one is in great condition!

It's sage green on the outside and gray on the inside. All we have to do is sign! That is the problem. I have a husband who works 24/7! I have ordered him to be home before the bank closes!

Anyway, The day has been beautiful. the sun is out and the trees are all gold and red and I love it! I which fall would last for 34 months. It is my favorite time of the year.. I feel happy to be so blessed.

I really feel like we were led to this car and these people.

I feel like it's Christmas! We got our new washing machine today! Yea! B bought it as a surprise for me. I don't know how I feel about that. I kind of would have liked to help pick it out. But he did pay cash using his hunting money so it really was a present. I thought it was very sweet and giving of him and he did pick a good one. A large capacity Maytag. I've been using it and I have to say, It's lovely.

I have already replaced my microwave and even though they say microwaves are not good for you or the food they cook, they are sure convenient and I just don't think I am ready to be a quaker.

Two down, one to go. The new minivan thing is slow going and I am being picky. I don't just want to buy the first thing I see. The one I like most is one I haven't seen yet, (thank you, Yolanda). (sex always works for me, hint hint). It's hard to talk your husband into new cars. Believe me, I know!

Well good friends, I gotta go. I hope you all have a great weekend.

It is a very sad day. Our beloved minivan died today. On the way to pick up H from preschool. Thank heavens B was working close by!

I think we will bury it in the back yard.

We are in the market for a new one. I want an 8 seater, with all the bells and whistles for 8,000 or less! Think I can find one?

I was looking at a Chevy Venture but the back is too small. I have a friend who works at a dealership who is helping us but I think we could get a better deal buying person to person. Without all the dealership stuff.

It comes in threes you know. Within one week, my microwave broke (that we had had since we were married), my washing machine broke and now my car. Thank heavens we have our big old 82 van out back to cover my --- until we get a new one! It's a huge thing where the upholstry is torn, it's a noisy diesel and we love to travel in it.

Anyway, if anyone has good advice about minivans they want to share, or a favorite kind or whatever, I'd love to know!

It's so much fun to get something new. New for me at least! Ha!

I just read that October is Domestic Violence Awareness month, Isn't that interresting.

It's wednesday morning and I know I haven't written for a while. I just couldn't decide what I was in the mood to write about.

I have actually been feeling really bad for the last day. I lost my temper with one of my kids and slapped him. It left a mark. I have been in a terrible depression since it happened last night.

I was raised in a home where physical violence was the norm. I swore mine would not be. Once in a while, and usually at a certain time of the month, I am so much more irritable. It is no excuse and makes me feel terrible. I don't know how to tame that monster who lives in me.

It seldom happens but when I do lose it, I feel like I can't control it. I want to stop this cycle. I know others sometimes fee it, especially those who were physically abused as kids. I know all of my brothers and sisters feel it at one time or another, I have seen it, which makes me not feel so alone, but I am.

I know I am responsible for my own actions and I swear it will never happen again and then almost out of nowhere, like a ghost, it comes.

I sometimes think I have this weaknes because it really does draw me closer to Heavenly Father. It makes me want to be stonger so I pray more, study the scriptures more ect...

Does anyone else out there struggle with this? I swore I wouldn't keep baring my sins online but this is what is one my mind right now. I don't want advice. I already know the answers. I need to go to the temple more, pray harder, give myself time outs, study the scriptures, sing a hymn. I know, I know, I know. I really think my problem is hormonal and that, I don't know how to fix. I will NOT take an antidepressant. That is only a bandaid anyway.

I hate to think that this will be a life long struggle. It is not fair to me or my kids. I am not going to a therapist either. I don't think they help and I have studied psychology all through school. I know enough to last a lifetime. They will just tell me it is my mother's fault anyway!

I really believe that only me and God can fix this. It makes me think of something I heard in conference last week. Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to anger.