Saturday, March 10, 2007

I had an interesting experience a little bit ago and wanted to write about while it was fresh in my mind.

I am alone today. Bry took the big boys camping and then this morning, my brother in law called me up and talked me in to letting him come all the way up here to get Gabe and Heidi. They are going to keep them till tomorrow. It took a bit to get me to agree because I felt so weird and uncomfortable letting them go. I am so used to having them around that I feel naked when they're gone. You know what I mean? They left at 2pm.

I have had the afternoon alone and I soaked in the tub and read and relaxed and it was nice. The bad thing is that it gives me too much time to think. Maybe that is a good thing for most but not for me! I decided to go into town a rent a couple of movies and get something to eat and man it took effort. Every time I stand up I get dizzy and I just feel totally depleted. Sitting in the car was fine but walking around makes me light headed. Is it normal to feel this way a week after? I keep worrying that there is something else wrong.

I listened to Shrek while I drove because it is peppy and I like it. On the way home the song "hallelujah" came on. All of a sudden I started to sob and sobbed the whole way home. I had this deep, dark anger that came up that I had not felt so far. I bawled even while carrying in my stuff and continued until I felt like I was going to throw up.

My problem is so much smaller than most people's and yet I feel....I don't know. I can't describe it. I am so worried about this intestine thing they found. I am half tempted to do nothing about it.

After I got home and took in what I bought, I knew I was is a bad place. I had bought lemon danishes, 2 half gallons of ice cream, a whole, cooked chicken in herb and lemon and them bread and hamburger buns. All so healthy.

I sat in bed and ate the chicken like a barbarian and then one of the pastries and I have to admit. I feel better. I guess I am one of the people who eat to improve their mood. That explains the thighs.

Anyway, that is where I am. I think I'll go back to bed and watch men in black. That always makes me laugh. That Will Smith is Fine. I'd make out with him.


Lisa M. said...

You say that with vailed self lothing.

Everyone does something for comfort, and food, is certainly not your only comfort activity. It lays along the lines of you couldn't do anything else, you coulnd't go shopping or to a movie, or running or.. or.. or..

At the time, it was one of the only to you for comfort.

Don't beat yourself up about it.

Chicken and a Danish? Goodness.

You should have called me so I could have feasted with you.

I think what it comes down to Missy, is that we all, every human on the planet needs comfort. We all have different things we grab at to find those affirmations.

Just because you used that one, once, doesn't mean, "you are one of those people"

It means, you have been sick and hurting, and real food sounded good.


I love you.

Lisa M. said...

Oh, and being one of those people, that ALWAYS does that.. isn't quite so bad.


Yolanda said...

I think you just needed to have "a moment"...You have just had major surgery, a loss, you're healing (yes--it's normal to still feel weak after a week!!), and you are a mom and spouse and so many other things!

Enjoy Will...Enjoy your free time...No rules...No perfect ways to act...

Maren said...

LOVE the comfort food. It really does make things feel better in the moment. I don't think still feeling weak after a week is abnormal at all.

Amy said...

Maybe you need to have your iron levels checked. After my miscarriage I felt very similar and I checked and I was anemic. Take lots of time to grieve, it is okay.