Tuesday, January 09, 2007

there's only 1 line

I have a few minutes so I thought I would get my thoughts down for the day.

I had not realized how disappointed I would feel when I realized I was not pregnant. It's not like we are trying really but I honestly thought I was this month. It's scary to imagine having another baby and I wonder if I am crazy and I thought I didn't want anymore. I can't lie to myself any longer. I do. I love babies. I love the baby stage. I love the way they smell and drool and I love how it feels to nurse. I love the beautiful clothes I could buy. I don't even mind the midnight feedings or diapers or crying. Babies are easy for me.

I felt for a while there that I was supposed to have another one but it has been 4 or 5 months now and nothing has happened so I start to wonder if there really was no message at all.

I was talking to my sister and she just told me that they had been trying for the last year and had given themselves a year and if it didn't happen, then they wouldn't try anymore. She felt there was one more. A boy. Well, nothing happened and now they are thinking of getting a vascectomy (sp?) It makes me really sad.

How is it so possible to be so wrong? Is it just hormones? Why am I so disappoined when I already have 4 kids? Some women try for their whole lives and never get pregnant and here I feel sorry for myself. My dog is pregnant and so are 3 of my really good friends. Do I just feel left out of the excitement?

It is very tiring and stressful to keep going like this, yet I don't want to use birth control yet but I can't stand the end of the month when I find out again that nothing in my body has changed except for the fat content!

I do like the fact the I can run and not worry about anything but that. Jake has figured out how to adjust my foot for me and I hope that helps. I will just work out and get in really good shape and go from there.


Mel said...

Melissa, I'm sorry:(
Figuring out what I'm suppose to do is probably the hardest thing for me and some things are out of our control.
The decision to have or not to have more children was taken away from me when my DH chose to get a vasectomy against me wishes.
Enjoy this time in your life. You and I should get together and go running!

Mel said...

Oops! I meant to say: "against my wishes".

Jeri said...

SO sorry you're having this trial. Isn't it interesting how our trials are so different? You mention how difficult it is for some people to ever have children... and you struggle with these feelings of being willing (and wanting) to give another child a good home, yet the blessing seems to be withheld... Seeming opposite events - yet equally difficult

My feeling is that the test right now is to show that you are WILLING to do (and be) whatever it is the Lord wants you to do (be). I too hate the "guessing game," but I am trying to be more accepting of "the Lord's will and time" - (even though I keep trying to convince Him that I really do know what is best...:)

Love you! hang in there!

melissa c said...

Thanks guys. Your right. By the way, i would love to go running with you!

Lisa M. said...

Mel and Mel, you two would make great friends.

On the one line feeling. I have felt that same feeling or well at least what I would think is the same feeling, so many times before.

I think that God's time and our time, are just different scales.

I also think that how we do ,while we wait... plays a part.

Relax , don't limit your options just because it isn't fitting into your time line. Enjoy your children and your husband.

God, will make his wishes known in due time.

I am living proof.