Sunday, May 28, 2006

Today has been kind of a down day for me. I am a little under the weather but it has been raining for two days straight and that is always tiresome when I want to go out and play.

I want to have a baby. I want my OWN baby, not someone elses. My husband would rather die that live through another pregnancy. He's totally OK with adopting one but I don't want to. This is my last chance to have one of my own and I feel the clock ticking. I adore my kids. I don't feel the same about the baby I adopted. It is terrible to admit, but I don't feel the same for him as I do my others. It scares me to death that if I adopt another, I won't have those strong motherly feeling for it either. I don't know what it is but there are some attachment issues here with G. I don't know if it is him or me but I feel like I am mostly just baby sitting him and sometimes I wish he would go back home. I feel so guilty admitting that. Here I have 3 kids of my own and now G. There are so many women out there who can't even have children and I am complaining that I get to adopt more. I don't know. Maybe I am just hormonal. 24/7. Tell me, are there any out there who feel this way? I wonder if it is something wrong with me. I look at the kids I gave birth to and just melt and adore them. I look at G and he drives me nuts most of the time. I know he can feel it. I pray for help about it constantly. I feel guilty about it continually, yet my feelings don't seem to change.

Sometimes I think God is using this experience to show me my weekness. Maybe if I am humble and keep trying, it will become a strength. I hope so. It wipes me out as it is. It is exhausting feeling bad about it all the time.

Well, hope you all are have a nice Sunday.


lammyann said...

I am not an adoptive mom, but I hope to be... and I worry about this too at times.
{{{Bigg HUgs!}}}

Island Queen said...

You are so awesome and brave to put that out there. I so admire you!

I'll pray for you too my friend.