Up all night!

Good morning. I am feeling much better now about Gabe. My sister thinks it is just a personality thing. She says that most parents have at least one child the rubs personalities with one of the parents.

I just spent all night up with Heidi and Gabe while they threw up. Yuck! We were on our way to the circus yesterday and Heidi said her tummy hurt and then before I knew it, she was throwing up and up and up! We pulled into a gas station to clean up as best we could, then turned around to go home. Talk about disappointed brothers!

Heidi stayed in bed throwing up nothing until about 10:00pm. At around 2:00am I heard Gabe crying, went in there and he had thrown up all over his crib. I brought him into my bed too. He wanted to cuddle but wouldn't go to sleep so an hour later, I changed all of his sheets and put him back to bed.

This morning, they are doing better but are only drinking sprite. I am tired and doing LOTS of laundry!!!

So now I ask myself, "Why did I want to have another baby?" HELLO!!! THINK McFLY, THINK !!

Today has been kind of a down day for me. I am a little under the weather but it has been raining for two days straight and that is always tiresome when I want to go out and play.

I want to have a baby. I want my OWN baby, not someone elses. My husband would rather die that live through another pregnancy. He's totally OK with adopting one but I don't want to. This is my last chance to have one of my own and I feel the clock ticking. I adore my kids. I don't feel the same about the baby I adopted. It is terrible to admit, but I don't feel the same for him as I do my others. It scares me to death that if I adopt another, I won't have those strong motherly feeling for it either. I don't know what it is but there are some attachment issues here with G. I don't know if it is him or me but I feel like I am mostly just baby sitting him and sometimes I wish he would go back home. I feel so guilty admitting that. Here I have 3 kids of my own and now G. There are so many women out there who can't even have children and I am complaining that I get to adopt more. I don't know. Maybe I am just hormonal. 24/7. Tell me, are there any out there who feel this way? I wonder if it is something wrong with me. I look at the kids I gave birth to and just melt and adore them. I look at G and he drives me nuts most of the time. I know he can feel it. I pray for help about it constantly. I feel guilty about it continually, yet my feelings don't seem to change.

Sometimes I think God is using this experience to show me my weekness. Maybe if I am humble and keep trying, it will become a strength. I hope so. It wipes me out as it is. It is exhausting feeling bad about it all the time.

Well, hope you all are have a nice Sunday.

foster care

I had a request to talk about my feelings on doing foster care. I honestly have my feelings go back and forth most of the time! Right up front, it is hard. It can be emotionally draining and yet on the flip side, very rewarding.

What most people don't know is that they get to choose what they want. The state does not drop off what ever they have! You can choose male or female, just babies or just teens or. whatever you feel best about. When they call with a placement, if it doesn't feel right for whatever reason, you can say no to it. They always have at least 3 families in mind before they even ask you so it's not like you are abandoning a child before you even get them. They baby we had and ended up adopting was my 3rd or 4th call. I had said no to the others but when they called about G, I immediately knew we should take him. He was a hard baby but wonderful and beautiful too. I know he was supposed to be here.

If you get a placement and it is just not working, you can have them removed. I have actually done that before too. The state has an insurance program for any damage done to your property by a foster child.

You can also choose between respite care which is if a foster parent goes on vacation or needs a break, you babysit for a week or so and that's it. You can choose to do emergency care and that is if they have a child that needs a place to stay RIGHT NOW, can you take them? But that is NOT long term. It can last form 2 weeks to a month or so until they find a foster family. You cannot keep that child for long term. When they find a home you have to give them up. That is hard for some. I do that and the regular long term. Sometimes it is nice to know you won't have to keep them for long!

There is good and bad in anything you do. This is something that I believe the Lord needs help with. These children need a loving home and yes, it is hard but they make it nice by giving you so many choices.

Will I keep doing it? Do I think it is worth it? Well, I am relicesing in June

foster care

I had a request to talk about my feelings on doing foster care. I honestly have my feelings go back and forth most of the time! Right up front, it is hard. It can be emotionally draining and yet on the flip side, very rewarding.

What most people don't know is that they get to choose what they want. The state does not drop off what ever they have! You can choose male or female, just babies or just teens or. whatever you feel best about. When they call with a placement, if it doesn't feel right for whatever reason, you can say no to it. They always have at least 3 families in mind before they even ask you so it's not like you are abandoning a child before you even get them. They baby we had and ended up adopting was my 3rd or 4th call. I had said no to the others but when they called about G, I immediately knew we should take him. He was a hard baby but wonderful and beautiful too. I know he was supposed to be here.

If you get a placement and it is just not working, you can have them removed. I have actually done that before too. The state has an insurance program for any damage done to your property by a foster child.

You can also choose between respite care which is if a foster parent goes on vacation or needs a break, you babysit for a week or so and that's it. You can choose to do emergency care and that is if they have a child that needs a place to stay RIGHT NOW, can you take them? But that is NOT long term. It can last form 2 weeks to a month or so until they find a foster family. You cannot keep that child for long term. When they find a home you have to give them up. That is hard for some. I do that and the regular long term. Sometimes it is nice to know you won't have to keep them for long!

There is good and bad in anything you do. This is something that I believe the Lord needs help with. These children need a loving home and yes, it is hard but they make it nice by giving you so many choices.

Will I keep doing it? Do I think it is worth it? Well, I am relicesing in June

Yea for Saturday

Well, here it is Saturday. I love this day. I also want to say that I realized about a half hour after I typed the last entry that it was really Thurs. not Fri. My goodness.

I have had my nephew here since Thurs. He is the son of the sis with unusual piercings. Anyway, He is wonderful. He is almost 12 and a really hard worker. Today, we have been cleaning the house because everyone is coming over and that boy worked hard. He vacuumed the whole house which is pretty big and always needs to be picked up along the way.

My son J has been a little missionary to him and he is just soaking it up. I really think he is looking for the stability that the church offers. Plus, I think he's curious about what all of his relatives believe in. His Dad's whole family is active too. He was raised in Oregon though and not around any of his active relatives. I told him the Joseph Smith story and he sat there glued.
I found REAL Birkenstocks at the DI today in Lisa's size. They were practically bran new and looked liked someone had worn them in the garden. I had bought the Birkenstock cleaning kit so I cleaned them up and I'll give them to her tonight. I am so excited! Do you think that is tacky? Maybe but I know Lisa loves the DI as much as I do. Got to support the church somehow!!

Well, got to go! I sure love you all. Have a wonderful weekend.

a tribute to space cadets

It's Free Friday! Yea! I love today! No one but me has any work! (at my house that is). My husband was out of town last night so after I put the little ones to bed, I invited J who is 10 to sleep with me. He always begs to and never gets to because the others won't stay downstairs unless he is there. Unless they are alseep of course, It was so fun. He is such a great kid.

At 4:00 am the others came in. It's a dang good thing I have a king size bed! Needless to say, I didn't get a whole lot of sleep after that.

There is something disturbing on my mind. Alot of people have told me I don't listen when they talk. It's not that I inturrupt, I just only hear half of the conversation I guess. I don't know if it is that I am trying to think of more than one thing at a time or what. But I will be talking with some one and say, I don't remember you telling me that. My husband thinks it is because I don't find what they are saying interresting. I don't think that is it. I feel really bad I do it but if everyone is telling you you do that then I guess it's true.

Here's what I think. I AM POSSESED! Or maybe I have a split personality! I have actually started to pray for help with this because it probably makes me look like a snob. I love people and love to visit, but I am a space cadet! I'm not even blonde! HA HA HA!! (bad joke I know).
Anyway, anyone have any ideas about that? I really just need to focus better. Part of it is that I am tired alot. I forget things all the time and drive the fam crazy! I feel so sorry for my kids because like last week, I forgot H had a fieldtrip with her preschool and I was supposed to take her early. Needless to say, she missed it. Maybe I am needing some vitamin or mineral I'm not getting. Who knows! But it is starting to bother me. Oh well, cheeryo! I better go and check my day planner so I don't forget anything today!

comments on birth control

I read s'mee's blog on birth control today. It was so interresting. I love it that people are willing to research to know. So many of us just do what everyone else is doing.

I also love how we can have differing opinions. Still there is no one right answer. It would sure be nice for Heavenly Father to tell us specifically what we should do but I guess that is where free agency comes in.

I use an IUD for birth control. I was completely aware of how it works before I got it. I do not feel like I am having abortions when and if I have a fertilized egg. I do not feel like a fertilized egg is a baby. I also do not feel there is a spirit there when it happens. I don't mean to be controversial but I feel very strongly that Heavenly Father wants us to do what is best for our families and bodies. I do not believe in abortions and I feel that the kind of abortions the General Authorities are talking about in those articles are about babies that have already formed. Babies that are 2 to 3 months or more along. I tried the pill. It was terrible, I tried the depo shot and that felt awful to. I have tried a diaphram and the spermicide irritated me pretty bad. I do not feel it is in the best interrest of women to just continually have babies or to use something that messes with their whole system. I may be splitting hairs here or walking a fine line but these are my feelings. I have 4 kids and at this point, would not want more for a while.

It has been said somewhere that in the last days only LDS women will be willing to have big families. I want a big family too. I know I can be pretty fertile and I believe a woman needs to find the birth control that works the best for her. I know that Heavenly Father knows my heart. I do not feel that I am being "bad" by using an IUD. I feel that I have a close relationship with him and if he didn't want me to use and IUD, he would tell me. I do want to have more kids, just not year after year! I think as LDS women, there is alot out there that makes us feel like failures. Things that tell us we need to be better and better. I think Heavenly Father lets nature take it's course. I do not think that just because a woman is pregnant, that He wanted that baby there. Believe me, I see it all the time with these meth addicted teeanage girls who lose their children. I do think He wants us to be wise and do what is best.

This is all just my opinion, remember. I hope I have not offended anyone. I have been pretty direct here. I love you all, my sisters.

Race for the Cure

I had the most awesome experience this weekend! I ran the 5k in the Race for the cure in SLC. I was planning on doing it alone and then the day before, my sis S. who is in town said she wanted to do it with me.

I LOVE the atmosphere there in the morning! So many people there in pink and excited! Our mom died frome breast cancer 11 years ago and every time we can, re run for her! We got there early and went to all the different booths. We each bought a couple toe rings that were pretty and just mingled.

We got up front to do the warm up and I was so happy to be there with S. I really didn't want to do it alone but would have. Now S is this tall, lanky, gorgeous gal. She is 5'11" and has a beautiful figure but she doesn't run. She even wore converse shoes and at the last minute said she would run as much as she could with me.

It was very exciting and we were off. The first thing I noticed was that I have a very slow pace! Here we were practically in front and all these people started passing us! I felt like an old lady! S stopped to walk and I kept going. I had to walk up the hills. I couldn't run them. I hadn't trained to and that part was hard! But I finished in 39 min. and 27 sec.! I was actully really happy about that! I just wanted to finish under 40 min! S. was only 4 minutes behind me! There were bagpipes playing as I crossed the finish line. It made me start to cry. My mother LOVED the bagpipes and we girls even sang "Danny Boy" at her funeral. S. was crying to as we finished. It was a moment I will never forget. So touching. It made my whole weekend.

What a wonderful way to honor the people in our lives that we have loved and lost. I am going to do it every year!

I've been tagged

1. The last thing you ate:
The last thing I ate was this morning and that was a South beach diet dinner thing. It was cheesy broccoli and beef with some veggies in it. Not bad. Not great but not bad.

2.The last thing you wanted to eat but didn't/couldn't.
You know, I can't think of anything. I don't believe in doing that. If I want something, I eat it. and I will exersize more later. Now something I couldn't eat would have been yesterday afternoon and I wanted to eat some Cadbury chocolate but didn't have any! Ouch! By the way, Cadbury is the best I have found on my journey through life.


3.Reality shows. Love or dispise?
To be honest, I don't care either way. Some I enjoy others I just don't watch. I did dream last night that I was a contestant on American Inventor (In my sexy nighty no less!) I don't think I won.


4.One thing you wish you could do right this moment.
I would really like to be on a warm, sandy beach reading a good book. I love that thought.

5. Can you actually do that thing?
Of course I could if that was what I REALLY wanted to do. I believe we can do ANYTHING we want to if we really want it bad enough. The sky is the limit. I could even go to the moon if I wanted to spend a few million!

My visiting teaches came last week and we had a very interresting discussion. I actually opened my big mouth in relief Society on Sunday and told about it. Everyone laughed and thought it was very funny. Of course there is always that sister who makes an extrememy sprirtual comment right after to bring the spirit back after I shoo him away!

This is what it was. The Merrits of Polygamy! We were talking about how we as women are always beating ourselves up about being the perfect mother, woman, wife, latter day saint etc.... If we were still doing polygamy, we wouldn't have to be. we would have support from our other "sisters". Think of it, help with laudry, dishes, babysitting. gardening, running errands etc. Plus , I know alot of women are very lonely when first married and living with a baby. There were some great benefits. Instant friends and helpers. Now, as far as the sharing the husband thing goes, I could probably do it if I had to but it would be very hard. I would always wonder if my husband said the same things to "her" in bed or touched her the same way or if he liked her body better. That would be hard. On the other hand, You'd get a few nights off with peace and quiet!

Anyway, my comment was a hit! Some thought I ought to each a miniclass at homemaking night! Oh well. It's just one of those things I just shake my head at and can't believe I said it!

My visiting teaches came last week and we had a very interresting discussion. I actually opened my big mouth in relief Society on Sunday and told about it. Everyone laughed and thought it was very funny. Of course there is always that sister who makes an extrememy sprirtual comment right after to bring the spirit back after I shoo him away!

This is what it was. The Merrits of Polygamy! We were talking about how we as women are always beating ourselves up about being the perfect mother, woman, wife, latter day saint etc.... If we were still doing polygamy, we wouldn't have to be. we would have support from our other "sisters". Think of it, help with laudry, dishes, babysitting. gardening, running errands etc. Plus , I know alot of women are very lonely when first married and living with a baby. There were some great benefits. Instant friends and helpers. Now, as far as the sharing the husband thing goes, I could probably do it if I had to but it would be very hard. I would always wonder if my husband said the same things to "her" in bed or touched her the same way or if he liked her body better. That would be hard. On the other hand, You'd get a few nights off with peace and quiet!

Anyway, my comment was a hit! Some thought I ought to each a miniclass at homemaking night! Oh well. It's just one of those things I just shake my head at and can't believe I said it!

I don't feel like I have anything to say today. Maybe that means my life is boring! I can honestly say, I like it that way. I've never been the kind of person that can't live without drama in my life.

I do have to say though that I am getting thin! I run 30 minutes 5 times a week. I can't believe what a breeze it has become! I remember when running 5 minutes almost killed me! I am having a hard time finding music that matches my pace though. I run anywhere between 4.5 and 5.0 mph. It just depends on if I have a sudden burst of energy! And the Sex!!! The sex is so great when you are exercizing! I keep trying to get my husband to run everyday! Not because he needs it (although everyone needs it) but so that he can keep up in other ways!

We are almost completely out of dept! This is soooo exciting! We only have about $3,000 left to pay off and it will be done! we just bought a riding lawn mower which is why the dept went up a thousand this week. We had to. Our yard is so big that it takes 3 hours to mow it with a regular mower and neither B nor I have time for that. We have 2 acres and at least one of those is grass (and weeds!)

Well my friends, it is Sunday tomarrow. I love the weekend. I am singing again this week in relief soc. with a couple of other gals. I love it. I used to sing all the time and once I got married and had kids, it seems like I don't do any of those things I used to love to do. Why is that? I really feel my age lately. I am only 35 which I know is young and yet, I know I can never go back. In this life, it only gets worse! I already have aches and pains and I really don't want to end up in a wheelchair in a nursing home with my children changing my diapers! I pray that I will die a happy, old woman in my sleep with all my bodily functions still working. In fact, I hope I will have went for a nice, long run that day!

Life is so interresting. It is amazing how different people solve their problems. My older sister was sexually abused as a child. It has always affected her. Anyone who has been abused will know this and how it affects all your relationships and self esteem etc..

Well, This sis told me that she just got a piercing done on her clitoris. I guess they do it through the "cape". I was floored and didn't know what to say. I didn't want her to feel bad about my reaction when she was so excited but I just couldn't bring myself to say, "Wow! That is sooooo cool!" So we chatted about it and found out that this is her way of taking her power back that she lost as a child. She says when you let yourself feel the pain in that area physically, it is easier to let go of the pain emotionally with it as it heals. I don't know about that but "more power to ya babe!" She is the one who studies Scientology. She thinks it looks pretty and that I ought to do it. Uh..... don't think that's gonna happen!

I love this sister. She is 41 this year, she has dark hair and beautiful, light blue eyes. Happy but a bit controlling. She is running with me (in Oregon though) and is the one who is inspiring me to do better at it!. She just had her third devorce. Well, kind of, she has been living with this guy for 3 years. I happened to love him. He was great and loved to run marathons! My kind of guy! But it just didn't work out. She feels pretty low about it and is takinig a trip to Europe for a month in July. Alone!!! Gutsy! But feels drawn to do it. It kind of reminds me of the movie "Tuscany". I love her so much and I think as people we need to learn how to let go and not judge family. It is so hard sometimes but these are the people I want to spend eternity with, crazy as it sounds, and my sisters are my closest friends.

Just keep praying for those you love.

It has been a week since I wrote last and I have to admit, I am a tad bothered that no one has commented. Not that I write to get comments, nor is this the reason I started blogging but I have become used to the friendly banter! So where is everyone?!!!

I just finished the 10th book of the "tennis shoes among the Nephites". I love this series! I have read all of Chris Heimerdinger's books. I feel so inspired to study the Book of Mormon and it makes me excited about it. The first book was the one that got me excited about the B of M before my mission. Some people may think they are silly or for kids but I guess I just don't want to grow up.

I am running 25 minutes straight now. It is a first in my life. For those of you who love to run who have ever had to start over or even start at all, you know how much this means to me. My goal at this point is to get to 30 minutes without dying. Thank heavens for my Birks. It is because of these shoes I can run. I wish Heavenly Father would have mentioned this about 3 years ago but then I wouldn't have learned the patience and perserverence or level of commitment that I have learned. It is a wonderful thing to add to my testimony experiences.

I hear I have been tagged my Jewel so I will go there now and say hi to her! See you all later!