Sunday, July 01, 2007

What a day. The play was a success! It was a blast and so much fun. I think I am a little depressed it is over. I became so close to those people.

Today, in relief society, I was sitting in my seat that I had used for Sunday school. All the men had left and women were filing in. I was reading a book a lady had brought for her lesson. "Doctrines of Salvation". Anyway, I had never read it and I was fascinated with it.

When I looked up, The whole room was full. Almost every seat was filled except for my row. I was the only one on it. I was sitting in the second chair in. I sat there alone looking around at all my "friends".

I had to admit, I was surprised. I have lived in this ward for 5 years now. I am usually the one who always reaches out and is friendly to other people and now, when I had not been to one to reach out, I sat alone. Now, I could be a little hormonal but it hurt my feelings.

I have tried to have close relationships with some of the gals in my ward who I really like. It never took. I realize people are busy and I would just brush it off as that. Today, I feel like feeling sad about it. I can see why there are people who go inactive when they feel unwanted in their ward.

Just so you have a little history, I have grown up in the church, I have always had a strong testimony and I am a returned missionary, sealed in the temple etc.... Yet today, I wished I had never gone to church . I was more depressed by the time I got home then I had been in a long time.

This is not something that has just happened for the first time. It happens all the time. Our ward has also grown so fast that I swear I don't know half the people anymore. I guess I just feel like I don't fit in and I am tired of trying to make friends where it is one sided.

I have only 2 really close friends. 2 other women who feel as close as sisters. Who I can truly be myself with. That is fine by me. I don't have time for more then that. I guess I just wish.....well, I don't know what I wish. Maybe I just wish that I felt more wanted in my ward. Wanted for me. Not just my voice, as in the choir wants me to always show up.

I'm tired. Just plain tired. I think I should go to bed before I incriminate myself any more!


Charlotte said...

Huh. I wonder if there was something in the air yesterday. I had a terrible day at church as well.

I'm glad to hear the play went well.

Jeri said...

Melissa - I think you are wonderful and I would most certainly sit by YOU!

Melessa said...

I used to have days like this in my former ward. In our little bitty rural branch, there is no way that would happen. Not only do we all get along, there are barely enough chairs to go around as it is. ;)

Lisa M. said...

You know, it isn't you. It is our ward.

It is from hell & I know you know how I feel.

The thing is-- is that you are not a cookie cutter kind of girl, and we live in a ward that is- Where everyone needs to use pampered chef, and mary kay (smirk). You march to your OWN drum, and not to everyone else's.

And don't you DARE forget, that is the way it is supposed to be. Being true to our selves, allows us to have a personal, and unique relationship with our heavenly father.

People who walk around like zombies or sheep- don't have that-

You my dear- are different.

The rest of them- well- they are people.


Jennie said...

i am so glad that your play did well. i was very bummed that i wasn't able to go!

i totally understand how you feel. i have been in the church practically my whole life, went on a mission, sealed in the temple... and yet right now i feel like i am done.

nothing too fancy about it.

just done.

i am in yw and thank goodness, because i don't fit in other wise. i just don't.

i am with ya! totally!

Yolanda said...

You are talking to the gal that is SO NOT the cookie-cutter, LDS woman...I have been in this same situation many times throughout my life...and you know what?..In the wide scheme of things, does it really matter? Yes, at the time it feels like sh**, but does it really define and validate who we are?

I think the old saying is worth repeating...The church/gospel is perfect, but people are not! Keep your compassion for those that seem to "snub," even when you feel otherwise...for it is THEM that are missing the wonderful opportunity to sit, and talk, and giggle, and share, and feel your spirit during RS.

I think you are amazing...Don't let them take away your value as a daughter of God.

Island Queen said...

Oh my dear friend! How I understand completely this post! I have struggled for years with this. When I first moved into my ward 4 years ago I felt absolutly isolated and alone for months. I prayed to know what to do. I cried to my husband, our Heavenly Father and anyone who would listen. And then I was called as 1st. counselor in RS. LOL...

I am not a typical Molly Mormon Mom either. I love you and I would totally sit with you!!! :-)