Well, this is it. Today is the last day with my foster son J. It is actually bittersweet for me. After all that has happened, the relief that it is over, I still feel bad he is leaving. I feel guilty for the times I was impatient or in a bad mood. I truly hope things go well for his family. The one thing I do have to say is that they really love him.

My daughter who is almost four is going to be in a big ballet production of cinderella next week. Tomarrow is the dress rehearsal. She is a pumpkin with all the other 3 year olds in her class. I pictured "Halloween" costumes and boy, was I surprised!. She is wearing an exquisit ballet costume. It is so beautiful!. All the costumes are incredible! But what did I expect? This is ballet. Not t-ball. I actaully cried during one of the rehearsals because it was so beautiful and my little princess is in it!

We own a little house about an hour from here that we rent out. We decided to sell it. A big decision but it sold in 2 days. We did get what it was worth. In fact, a little more probably but the people who baught it had ben bought out from 2 times before so were willing to pay more. It's a relief. Now we will buy property near us and build a duplex on it. The money has to stay in rental property, we found out for tax reasons. I guess it doesn't HAVE to but we don't want to pay thousands of dollars in taxes! Anyway, it is good income to have a rental.

As you have probably noticed, today's entry is a little of this and a little of that. There isn't a whole lot to tell except that today, I am very happy and content with life. I love my Birkenstocks, although my feet are sore from wearing them all day yesterday. I love my house, my kids, and the beautiful place we live. Who could ask for more?

new news

It's raining outside today. Just a drizzling rain and grey clouds. The perfect day to stay inside, watch movies and fold laundry! I love doing that. I did need to leave the safety of my humble abode to take H. to preschool and to pick up J from piano. But other than that, I am staying inside! It would be a good day to make cookies too but they're not on my diet! I am stuck at 148. I go up a couple of lbs but never do I go down! It is frustrating!

My little Jehova's whitness friend came by yesterday. We have "Bible study" together. It is very interesting. You all aught to try it! This lady comes alone and only stays for a half hour. She is teaching me what the bible REALLY teaches. She is not pushy or rude and I share out of the Book of mormon a little too. I use it as a missionary oppurtunity. I don't push her either but explain how I believe after she explains what her bible teaches. They use a different version and according to her, our version is not an accurate one. I say I agree and that it is a dang good thing we have the Book of Mormon to clear things up! I have a feeling she and I will become good friends.

I am going to make a goal. I am not going to swear anymore! I have to admit, I have a problem. My husband calls me on it when he dares and my kids do too. I am not a good example to my children on what it means to have clean language so I will keep you posted. So far today I don't think I have made any slips!

I found them!

I asked a while ago if anyone knew of cute sandals for summer that I could put an insole in. Well, I had totally forgotten about Birkenstocks! I wore them my whole mission! HELLO! So I was just on Zappos.com and ordered me some cute white ones with three straps! I am sooo excited! The problem is that you can't try them on first. Depending on the style, they can feel a little wide or too big. How do I know which styles are true to size? I did read the comments from others with the same shoe! I hope I ordered right! I hate it when you have to send them back for a different size and then have to wait! But Zappos is FAST! They are here within two days!

This is how the story goes. I was in my first area in Venezuela. My feet had been killing me with all the walking we did. I have very low arches and that makes my feet ache after a while. I happened to go on a split with one of the other gals we lived with and we went to a members house where the daughter had been sent a pair of Birkis by her boyfriend who was studying in Germany. At the time, They were NOT in style down there. I don't know that they ever would be! Anyway, They just HAPPENED to fit! They were plane Janes. Brown with two straps and one on the back. The girl told me I could have them. She didn't like them and they didn't fit her either! I paid 20 bucks in american money for them. The only reason she even mentioned them was because I had asked where they sell good shoes! They were not that flattering! I was known as the hermana with the funny shoes! But they were my saviors! I wouldn't have been able to walk at the end of 1 1/2 years otherwise! Small miracles. I've had so many. Thankyou Heavenly Father for caring about little old me!

Anyway, I just remembered how much I loved them!

Since I have decided not to hide the real me now that most of you know me, here is the latest.

My foster son, J. went home for the weekend like he always does. I love it when he goes home! Isn't that terrible? I don't what know what it is, but there are things he does that have really built up over the last 3 months that drive me crazy. Just to validate my feelings, my husband feels the same and he has the patience of Job. Lisa can verify that!

Anyway, His dad brought him back on Sunday afternoon with the usual crying episode and we visited for a minute to let J. calm down. His dad told me they had had alot of problems with him this weekend. he wouldn't take his pill to go to bed. He takes one to wake him up in the morning for ADHD and one to put him to sleep at night. They were up until 3 a.m. with him. This floored me. It's like this kid has a split personality when he goes home. I said that he doesn't get a choice. You make him take it. The dad said that he wouldn't short of hog tying him and shoving it down his throat. To that I said, "Yea? Is that a problem?"

The best part was, after his dad left, I noticed J was not wearing his glasses. I asked him where they were and he said he didn't know, then he said he couldn't find them, then he said he'd left them at home. I looked in his back pack and there they were! Broken in half. HIS 300 DOLLAR GLASSED THAT TOOK A MONTH TO MAKE!!!!!!! That was it. I lost it! I sent him to his room to go to bed at 4 in the afternoon! I had to or I would have killed him! I was not using pretty language either! I called up the ex-wife where J's family hangs out. J's fam. doesn't have a phone, and the parents weren't there but the ex told me she would find them and have them call me as soon as possible. I think she could tell I was furious. Maybe because I mentioned I was! The dad called me 10 minutes later to say that J had broken them because he had gotten mad playing the computer and to just call the case worker and order some more. This is what I said. "Are you kidding me? They aren't going to buy him more! He's sorry out of luck.! This is the second pair he has had since he has come to my house."

Basically, after everything, this was the last straw for me. I have four other children who haven't had much of me since we got J. I spend my time going from appointment to appointment for him, dragging my kids with me. I'm done. I called the case worker and told her I want him removed form my house. I have too much on my plate to keep dealing with somehthng that has turned out to be a constant source of contention with everyone in our home. I feel really bad about it, guilty a little,but I need to do what is best for my kids and myself and if I don't end the madness now, I will become addited to valium! I guess I would need a perscription first but I could get one!!!

That's my last two days. Anyone want to trade?

Are you doing enough?

How much is enough do you suppose? They say if we do our best here, Jesus picks up the slack. Is it the same slack for everyone?

My Mom died 10 years ago. Sometimes I wonder if she did enough. Yes, she had a testimony, yes she tried hard to do what is right but she had alot of faults. She made ALOT of mistakes and I know in my life, I am not that different from her.

There are times when I lose my temper and hit one of my kids. I swear frequently it seems like and I tend to be a little lazy. I told everyone what a wonderful book "the Jester" is and I started reading it again and I had forgotten there was alot of bad stuff in it. Is the story line fantastic? YES! But I am a little embarrassed to have advertised it on an LDS blog. Do I read this kind of trash. You bet. Am I proud of it. No. Do I quit? No. So how do I judge if I am good enough. Do I want to be that good? I happen to like some of my sins. The natural man is an enemy to God. Boy, am I natural! There are even times when I wish I could wear all the cute styles that are sleeveless. One thing I do do though, is I wear my garments always and in the correct way. (I just wanted to make that clarification!)

We had a lesson in Sunday school once about liking our sins too much to give them up. I know I shouldn't watch "R" rated shows. Do I still watch them? Sometimes. Why am I admitting to all of these "sins" on the internet? Because, I know most people are just like me. I am trying to do my best to be my best. I really am,ut I am not a Goddess yet! I am working on it but it is soooo tough!

I love the gospel! I know with all my heart it's true. I also know that we will not all be judged the same. The people who worship different than me will be judged according to their own knowledge. Because I have so much knowledge, I am more resposible. That is a scary thought! Am I doing enough? I don't know. I guess we'll see.

a day of therapy

I hate to think that a woman's moods can be dictated by such a thing as shopping but I think it might be true.

Now, I am admitting here that I never shop at a mall. I always go to Walmart because it's close and cheap. Cheap is the word here. You get what you pay for and many times I buy something there, wear it once, wash it and throw it in the DI bag!

Today, I treated myself to Ross. Don't laugh. I just can't bring myself to waste money at Dillards. Anyway, I bought some really beautiful clothes that are name brand and cost WAY less! The point here is not the price tag. It's the day of freedom and shopping, which I do enjoy, without children! It is theraputic. I don't know why but I feel refreshed! Happy. Prettier. Go figure!

I only spent $100.00 but I got like 5 new tops, a new Easter dress for both my and H. and pantyhose of course! And there is nothing like shopping to make you want to stick to your diet!

I did make a stop at Border's and bought B. a book and myself "the Jester" by James Patterson. I have already read it but love it! Want my own copy!

That's all for now folks!

Just like Heaven

I watched "Just like Heaven" tonight. I loved it. Yes, it is a sappy chick flick and I have no idea what the reviews were about it but I just about peed my pants during the scene in the restaurant. To dang funny! I even had tears coming out I laughed so hard! I LOVE a good romance story.

I just finished reading "The Princess Bride" abridged by what's his name and loved it! For those of you who loved that movie, you have to read it. Then there are those of you like my husband who do not think those kind of movies are funny. I usually need to tell him when to laugh when we see a movie because he has NO sense of humor!!! Although he did actually laugh in "Mr. and Mrs. Smith". Another personal favorite. Does it seem like I watch too much TV? It's only at night when the kids are in bed!

I really liked "watch out for mama's" blog today. At least I think it was hers (I know it is awful that I'm not sure) but I read it this morning and now it is 10:00pm. Anyway, she wrote about her 5 most important things she needs to do when she feels like she is sinking. Thankyou. It helped me get off my lazy you know what and get on the treadmill.

I think it is a great idea to have a list of MUST DO'S to get done. Otherwise, the day gets away and it doesn't happen.

Thank you all for inspiring me! Love to you all and good night!

Have a peaceful day

Most people love the sun.
but I like most of all a cool grey sky
with clouds that trail along
the sides of hills
like skirts of quaker brides.
Such days when fields grown stangely still,
keep their secrets, good or ill
and all unloveliness is vain
behind a blowing veil of rain.

By Janie Violet Troupe

This was a poem my Grandmother wrote. She had a way with words. Today, it snowed all morning. It was cold and so beautiful. It reminded me of this poem. It is sunny now and the snow looks like little diamonds. I love it when it is sunny and snowy together. I sit here in my quiet house with all my kids gone. My two dogs, the big Duke who smells a little like wet dog (I am tempted to tell him to leave) and little Jenny who is trying to bite my shoe. I love this feeling and it comes from reading Yolanda's blog today. About stillness and quietness. It made me notice the quiet weather. My quiet house. My sleeping dogs at my feet. Thank you Yolanda for bringing me a moment of peace and quiet when most likely I would have normally filled it up with something else.
"Peace I leave with you. My peace I give unto you. Not as the world givith, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. " John 14:27

Yolanda's last comment on my last blog got me thinking. I have a sister who has been living in California for the past 5 or 6 years. they are moving back to Utah. They are pretty dang well to do and go on losts of trips with their kids to see wonderful places and things. I can't wait to have her closer. They do have alot of money but they also work hard for it and smart for it. They picked great careers. S. is a massage therapist and does VERY well at it out of her home. R works for a construction company and is one of the top dogs.

Anyway, Bryan asked me the other day if I was jealous of them. They have so many beautiful material things. I told him that sometimes I am envious. I wish I could take my kids on the trips they do. I wouldn't mind living in a big, beautiful, new house. But on the flip side of the coin, I am giving my kids something that most never have. Yes, our house is modest. It's average as far as nice goes. We don't take alot of trips. Mostly camping and fishing which my kids almost prefer I think. But we do get to live in the country. We do get to have lots of pets and horses etc... It is a dream I had my whole life. I was blessed enough to marry a man who wanted the same. Do I feel envious of S. sometimes? Yes. But all I need to do to make it go away is look out my kitchen window and see my beautiful horses in the pasture and my dogs chasing the cats around the yard, and the beautiful alphalpha pastures behind my house to remember, THIS is what I picked. THIS is what I wanted. I am so grateful that Gos gave me what I really wanted. I don't know if I could handle alot of money. It might change me. My sister and her husband on the other hand are very generous. They love company and are always trying to bribe us to come visit saying they will pay our gas and everything. (guess how well that goes over with Bryan.) They give their money away all the time. I am very proud of them. I don't know if I would be that way. That is propbalby why I subconciously keep myself on a modest income!!!!

So anytway, no, I would not trade the life I have. I am tremendouly happy. We have the gospel in our lives which has added a richness I can't even begin to explain. I lived for 9 years with a man who was inactive, so ,yes, I do know the difference. That is something many people do not have, nor even know how much they are missing without it. I have what I need when I need it and that is all I really can ask for.

New additions to the farm

For all you dog lovers out there, I have a new addition to my family! I wish I could download pictures here but I time out too fast. Anyway, Lady Genevieve of Cunningham arrived on Monday. She will be hereafter known as Jenny. She is blond and has teeth like little needles! She is a pure bred Golden Retriever. Now mind you, I would have been just as happy with a mut but we would like to have our 9 year old golden's line passed on.

His name is Duke. I had a strong feeling that we should get him when we did too. I got the two parents together and then worked it so I got pick of the litter. Hows that for manipulative? He hasn't saved anyones life that I know of but I know he was supposed to be a part of our family. He is soooo well behaved. He spends most of the time outside because he likes it better. He is never locked up of chained or anything. He never leaves our yard. He sits, stays, lays and leaves the room when asked and I adore him.

Now, Jenny's purpose is not to be a breeding machine. She'll get to be a bird dog and will get a have 2 or 3 litters when she is older someday but we wanted Duke to help us train her because He is so great. Now, he does not have as much patience as I do when she bites down and I have had to hollar at him a couple of times but for the most part he lets her cuddle and play with him and the first night, I was worried because she cried the whole way home but Duke let her cuddle up and we never heard a sound all night!

Some might think I am insane for adding one more thing to my life and I am fully aware that she is pretty much mine and I have to do all the training (since I am the one home) but it is more like therapy for me. It relaxes me and I enjoy it. She is sooooo smart and already potty training fabulously. Seldom has an accident!

My husband pretends I forced him into it but he was just as excited! In fact, he picked her out. He is a sucker for dogs too. And horses, and kitties and all other animal life.

I'm back!

Hello all. I am sorry I haven't been around. To be completely honest, I have been rebelling against my damn computer!!! Excuse my french but there are days when I want to throw it out.

My last blog was actually a week ago. It was a great one and I was really happy with it. To make a long story short, I was editing it and I erased it! I was so irritated that I went on strike from the computer until now. I think another phrase for it is "cutting off my nose to spite my face!"

Do any of you do that? It's the adult way of pouting. It does make me feel better. It's my way of sticking it to the man! Except, I AM the man, ya know? I love that advertisement! It is sooooo me!

Anyway, Lisa tagged me so I will do it over. Here goes.

Four Jobs You Have Had in Your Life:
1. Cutler's cookies. very sweet.
2.EIRI at Utah State University. a little boring.
3.Diet Technician at LDS Hospital. Stressful.
4. Piano teacher. fun

Four Movies You Watch Over and Over
1. So I married an ax murderer. "Heed! Move that gargantuan cranium!" Too funny!
2. Lord of the rings.
3. The Matrix. Neo is sooo sexy.
4. My all time favorite,EVER, "The Count of Monte Cristo". No movie is more romantic.


Four Places You've Lived
1. Eugene, Oregon
2. West Valley City, Utah. (it's not my fault. I was only 4)
3. Venzuela.
4. Honeyville, Utah. The sweetest place on earth

Four TV shows you love to watch
1. Grey's anatomy
2. House. Love him. Want to be able to be that rude some day!
3. 24. edge of my seat tv!
4. Medium

Four Websites you visit daily
1. my bank.
2. my blog
3. your blogs
4. Zappos.com. a new favorite.


Four of Your Favorite Foods
1. I hate to be unorigional, but, chocolate. Symphony, to be exact.
2. Mexican. Chimichangas. Love 'em! Not fattening at all.
3. Italian. Olive garden
4. Icecream. Nice just before bed.

Four Places You'd rather be right now
1. Hard one. I like it where I am but,......Hawaii would be nice
2. Disney land. Haven't been there for 31 years.
3. Horse back riding in the mountains
4. Soaking in the tub with a good book. a personal favorite that happens daily.

well, that is it folks. My little life in a nut shell! hope it works this time!
Yolanda, I tag you! Your turn!