Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Aaarrrrggg!


It has been an extremely difficult week. It sounds like that feeling is going around. I have never felt like I had a lot of stress in my life because really, I get to be home, I don't have a hard schedual or deadlines etc.....

But I got to thinking about that test you can take to see what level of stress you have. You answer questions like. Have you recently moved, had a death, had a birth etc.....

I have realized, that I do actually have a little stress in my life. 5 kids is enough to scare most people! NEVER getting enough sleep. That one is the real clincher because I can handle anything if I have had enough sleep. Getting a new baby that I may or may not get to keep is a constant stress on my mind. One that won't go away until I know for sure.

I have a constant feeling of guilt about my relationship with Gabe. I feel like we have never really bonded. I get more impatient and irritated with him than any of the other kids. Potty training goes with that plus all the crap he gets into. Like a couple of days ago when he opened 9 cans of purple grape juice all over downstairs. It sounds like I don't watch him but that is not true. I have taken to tying him to my bed! He never stops getting in to things. He colored with marker on Heidi's bed. I don't know where he found a marker but the older kids leave things laying around. Anyway, these things don't help the bonding much either. No body can understand my frustration with him. They all make comments like "but he is so cute and so sweet and so happy all the time". All those things are true but the thing that does validate my feelings is when my sister came to stay, she said those things, but by the times she left, she could understand some of my frustrations with Gabe!! Yea! It's not just me! I'm not really the terrible mother I feel like I am most of the time!

We run our own business which has it's own set of ups and downs. I want to do things a certain way and Bryan wants to do it differently. Who wins? I'd like to say ME!! But that is not always the case.

I picked this picture to put up because it makes me feel peace. It looks like Ireland would look to me. It calms me and helps me to remember that no matter what happens in this life, the world goes on around me.

We all have our challenges. Some people have bigger ones than me and I am grateful I don't have theirs. Thank heavens for my little bag of troubles. If I get enough sleep, I can handle them.

So there you have it. That is why I haven't written for so long. I am just too tired!! But maybe it will get better soon!

6 comments:

maren said...

I am with you on the sleep thing. It is absolutely crucial to optimal functioning and coping. Good luck with all that you have going on.

Lisa M. said...

Um Sis-

I get the whole *Gabe* thing.

Completely. I understand it, I get it, and I am sorry you feel such frustration.

I can only say- I think, this too shall pass.

I really do.

At least you are aware of it. At least you admit it. At least you care.

For years and years, I thought Hans was the Anti-Christ. And I wasn't sure I even loved him.

But the storm subsided.

I think you're a wonderful mom.

Jeri said...

"but he is so cute and so sweet and so happy all the time"...

Has no one ever explained to you that God makes the most challenging children EXTRA cute - just so they have a chance of making it through childhood intact?

I am totally with you! Last night I actually only had to get up once. It made for the most restful night's sleep that I've had in literally months! All the kids slept through the night - in their own beds! A mini-miracle!!!

Don't know what to tell you about the Gabe bonding thing. Sometimes I feel the same with my Aaron, and he's not even adopted - so go figure. If and when you figure it all out - fill me in so I can do some damage control here too. Until then, hang in there. You are doing great things!

Jennie said...

i am sorry things have been so rough for you lately!

i have missed you! really, i have!

i am with you 100% on the sleep thing! and i don't even have children! maybe that is why Heavenly Father hasn't blessed our home with kids...

anyway... i know you are a good mom... no matter what! i just know it!

glad to know that you are ok and that you have missed us too!

Charlotte said...

Poor Missy.

You're probably feeling better by now (since it's been a few days), and I hope you are. Whether you are or not though, I think you are just a treasure.

Tonya said...

If it makes you feel any better. I had a difficult week too. We all have different stresses and trials. Don't feel alone in the world. It's quite obvious to me that you care.

I sure hope you get some good sleep soon. Sleep is not overrated!!