When you dream, dream big. As deep as the ocean, as wide as the sky, as far as the sea and as free as the wind.
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
It has been an extremely difficult week. It sounds like that feeling is going around. I have never felt like I had a lot of stress in my life because really, I get to be home, I don't have a hard schedual or deadlines etc.....
But I got to thinking about that test you can take to see what level of stress you have. You answer questions like. Have you recently moved, had a death, had a birth etc.....
I have realized, that I do actually have a little stress in my life. 5 kids is enough to scare most people! NEVER getting enough sleep. That one is the real clincher because I can handle anything if I have had enough sleep. Getting a new baby that I may or may not get to keep is a constant stress on my mind. One that won't go away until I know for sure.
I have a constant feeling of guilt about my relationship with Gabe. I feel like we have never really bonded. I get more impatient and irritated with him than any of the other kids. Potty training goes with that plus all the crap he gets into. Like a couple of days ago when he opened 9 cans of purple grape juice all over downstairs. It sounds like I don't watch him but that is not true. I have taken to tying him to my bed! He never stops getting in to things. He colored with marker on Heidi's bed. I don't know where he found a marker but the older kids leave things laying around. Anyway, these things don't help the bonding much either. No body can understand my frustration with him. They all make comments like "but he is so cute and so sweet and so happy all the time". All those things are true but the thing that does validate my feelings is when my sister came to stay, she said those things, but by the times she left, she could understand some of my frustrations with Gabe!! Yea! It's not just me! I'm not really the terrible mother I feel like I am most of the time!
We run our own business which has it's own set of ups and downs. I want to do things a certain way and Bryan wants to do it differently. Who wins? I'd like to say ME!! But that is not always the case.
I picked this picture to put up because it makes me feel peace. It looks like Ireland would look to me. It calms me and helps me to remember that no matter what happens in this life, the world goes on around me.
We all have our challenges. Some people have bigger ones than me and I am grateful I don't have theirs. Thank heavens for my little bag of troubles. If I get enough sleep, I can handle them.
So there you have it. That is why I haven't written for so long. I am just too tired!! But maybe it will get better soon!