Don't mess with Texas

I'm back!! I was in Texas for the last week and it was wonderful! What a nice break and I needed it.

I will post pictures later but I wanted to say hi. We went to the coast and I swam in the gulf of Mexico! It was a little windy and a storm was coming in but the water was still warm and so was the sand! I jumped waves like we were children! It was so healing to me. I love the ocean. It calls to me.

We spent a day at the famous river walk in San Antonio. We ate the best food I have ever had. We went Latin dancing and I had forgotten how fun that was. You see, Tash's sister and brother in law are professional ballroom dancers and teachers with the Arthur Murry studio there, Once a month they take their students to a Latin club to practice their dancing. SO DANG FUN!!!! I am definitely going to start that up again. Bry will just love it! They let us in on some of their group classed which was also fun. We only had one car between us except for the one we rented to go to the beach for one day, so Tash and I would play all day and go back at 1 or 2 in the morning to pick them up.

They had long hours since a teacher had quit recently and they didn't get to spend a lot of time with us. They would teach until 9 or 10 and then practice themselves late in to the night.

Tash's sister is wonderful. She is this teeny tiny thing at only 4'11". She looks like a little pixy or fairy and I just adore her. We went to one of their performances and it is amazing! They are so good.

So, I need to go pick up the boys from piano so I will write more later! See you!

It is strange how times go by so fast and things you mean to do never get done. I have had a feeling for a long time now, to read my patriarchal blessing. I hadn't read it in ages. Every time I plan to sit down and do it, something comes up.

This morning, I was helping Bry prepare his priesthood lesson. He teaches the Elders in our ward. Bry is a convert and sometimes he has a hard time understanding some things. Like, when we read through his lesson together and he laughs and says " I didn't understand one thing in there!" He is so cute. We talk about it and I try to clear up the things I know but this lesson which is on the priesthood is actually pretty deep. I had to ask him to read things over and we would talk about it. I love doing this with him. It brings us close and really brings the spirit.

I have been trying for 13 years to talk him in to getting his patriarchal blessing. He doesn't want to. He doesn't want someone telling him his future! I laugh at that. I think he is just afraid to but that is neither here nor there. I decided to read mine to him after our lesson hashing and he doesn't ever remember me reading it to him before. I am sure I have but I don't remember either.

I sobbed clear through it. I had forgotten how beautiful it was. It reminded me of what I need to be doing and the person I need to become. I was very touched and I think he was too. He has a hard time talking about his spiritual feelings though so who knows! I wanted him to understand that it doesn't tell your future, just gives you an understanding of what life can hold for you. I LOVE my blessing. It gives me hope. I do not feel like I am the person it describes and I feel like most things have not come to pass yet. I can't imagine being that person who it talks about.

I think it stems from feeling like I have strayed spiritually a little bit. I don't mean that my testimony isn't strong, just that I have not been very dedicated to my calling, personal prayers and scripture study. Sometimes, I feel very unmotivated and the only thing that keeps me going is my kids. I so desperately want to be a good example to them. I want them to be stalwart. I want them to feel the spirit and know the gospel is true. I want them to feel what I feel when I makes the least bit of effort.

Anyway, this is what I have been thinking about this morning. I just finished a book called "Traitors and Tyrants". It was wonderful and really got me thinking. I feel like Heavenly Father is trying to tell me something! With all the trials, which have been very difficult lately, yet all the wonderful things happening at the same time, I feel like he is telling me to stay strong, stay valiant, these things will pass and joy waits for me at the end.

I really feel blessed amid all the torture I have felt lately. And after reading what the early saints went through, my life is a piece of cake!

Oh Happy Day!

This day did not start out happy. I hardly slept at all last night, because I knew I would be going to Logan to a specialist for a tricky root canal. To make a long story short, it was terrible. Very stressful for me and worse than any normal dentist appointment.

Anyway, I can home looking like I had had a stroke. The numbing stuff he used was pretty powerful and didn't completely wear off until 3 in the afternoon. He numbed me at about 8:00am. I am super sore and after I got back, I needed to stop at the bank.

As I was sitting in my bank lane, another car pulled in. It was the mother of the birth father of Wyatt. There was court this morning so I asked her through the window how it went. She said her son had finally relinquished his parental rights. It was a moment of elation for me. I knew though, that she was heart broken. I knew that in her mind, she realized she had lost her grand son. I really feel for her. After that I drove across the street to the pharmacy (it has a drive up window) and started sobbing. What happiness!! What relief to finally know he will be legally mine! ALL MINE!!!! The pharmacist probably thought I was out of my mind! I picked up my pain killers and drove home a very happy camper!!

The adoption date is set for July 15. The day after my birthday! What a gift! I can't wait! In spite of my horrific morning, I feel so happy. I had started to feel like God was punishing me or something. This reminds me that that is not true! Bad things happen to good people and GREAT things happen too!

Karma

How many of you out there in cyber space believe in Karma? You know, all the good or bad things you have done come back to you.

Or maybe you believe that bad things happen in threes. I am not superstitious but I have to admit, when things happen, you wonder.

Today, and you will not believe this, but I think I broke my toe. My big toe. I will not even tell you how I hurt it. It is too embarrassing but suffice it to say, I hurt it at about 11:00am and it is now almost 5pm and I still can't walk on it.

I taped it and put ice on it and all the things you are supposed to do but it hasn't helped much.

So this, I believe is the third thing. Nothing more will happen, right? There goes my running schedule I was just getting used to again.

If it weren't so awful, I wouldn't be able to laugh. Which is all I have done today. I just can't believe it. All my sins are coming back to bite me and believe me, there are plenty! I bet my sisters can name a few hundred! Of course, they will probably not read this. No one in my family does usually. So they will miss a good laugh.

Of course, I do get to sit on my bed, watch TV, order my kids to bring me food etc! There are benefits if you like living in a messy house that no one cleans but you!

OK, I better stop while I am ahead! I need to go eat some bon bons now. See you all later.

"I'd rather have a root canal." You know that phrase. People say it when they don't want to do something and want you to know just how much they don't want to.

Let me give you all a little advice. Do the other thing! I had a "partial" root canal today. I say partial because he didn't finish it.

You know how on some of those back teeth you have 3 stems or so. Well, on this tooth, he thinks there may be 5! He wants me to go to a specialist who has a microscope and small enough tools to get in there. My dentist says at least one of those other stems is starting to calcify which is normal when you age and that his tools aren't small enough.

Lovely. So he put a temporary filling in. After the numbing wore off, I ate a sugar cookie (yes I hate to admit that but I did run this morning!) and it pushed the filling in so I can feel the whole in my tooth. It hurt when it happened too.

I called the dentist and he said that was OK as long as it went in and didn't fall out! Yea. He took out most of the nerve and stuff but there are still those other stems that he couldn't do so it may feel sore.

K, let me just say that I don't want to hurt anymore. Did you know that when you have chronic pain, it causes brain cells to die on a rapid, daily basis!!! This is scientifically proven!!

I CAN NOT AFFORD TO LOSE ANYMORE BRAIN CELLS!!!!!!

So I go to Texas next week with my friend for a fun filled vacation with a hole in my tooth. Not to mention I have to pay cash because I don't have dental insurance.

I think it is karma. It is coming back to bit me in the butt. (Ever watch "My name is Earl"?)

Anyway, I am keeping a positive attitude. It could be worse. I could have no teeth at all. I could have a big space there where a tooth should be. My teeth could be black and dying! So there it is! Not so bad after all! Yippee!

I've written a new song. I think you will enjoy it. It goes to some music you will already know. Let me tell you why I wrote it.

I went running this morning withe Jake. The weather was beautiful and sunny but it was hard, I got tired fast and didn't really love it at all. It has been hard to get myself out the door. I have had to go back 5 times to get different running shoes that don't make my foot hurt. UGGGG. It has been a long time and I've lost that something that makes you love to run. Running regularly will bring it back but in the mean time, during my bath afterward, these words came to me.

"You never grab your shoes anymore when the sun comes up.
And there's no tenderness like before when you lace them up.
You're trying hard not so show it (baby)
But baby,baby I know it.

Chorus:
You've lost that running feeling.
Whoa that running feeling.
You've lost that running feeling
now it's gone, gone, gone wooooooooh.

Now there's no welcome look in your eyes when it's time to go.
And now your pants are tight and you can't button them no more.
It makes me just feel like crying (baby).
Cause, baby, something beautifuls dying!

CHORUS:

Baby, baby, I'll get my Ipod out for you.
If you would only love to run, like you used to do.
You had a love, a love, a love you don't find every day.
So don't, don't, don't let it slip away.

Baby (baby), Baby (baby)
I beg of you please. (I beg of you please)
You need to run
You need to run
So bring it on back
So bring it on back

Bring back, that running feeling
Whoa that running feeling
Bring back that running feeling
Cause it's gone, gone, gone.
And you can't go on noooooooooo."

Lyric by: Melissa c
Music by: Th Riteous Brothers

Before the Dawn

As usual, I am reading a new book. This is one of the most poignant and soulful stories I have ever read. I have sobbed clear through it. Partly because it is written in such a heartfelt way but also because the Spirit touches you when you read it.

I really relate to the main character in the story too. I have felt like she feels. It amazes me that a man could write this and yet, get it so right from a woman's point of view. I am having a hard time putting it down. I find the bath water is cold because I have stayed in so long to read. Then I carry it back to the bed with me and devour a few more pages.

I love the way Dean Hughes writes. This story takes place during the depression. It means a lot to me because my Gram Janie used to tell me stories about it. This book makes it come to life for me. I really had no idea what those times were like for people. It worries me that we are headed there now ourselves.

It makes me want to tell my kids how much I love them and how grateful I am to Bry for working so hard and being the great guy he is. Life could be so much worse and we get caught up in our little problems day to day that we forget. We forget that there is a mother out there who doesn't care if she loses weight. Her main worry is how she will feed HER 5 kids. Maybe she doesn't have a husband who helps her.

I watched the "Idol gives back" show and was very touched by the people in Africa. Seeing the mother with tears streaming down her face as she watches her 9 month old baby barely staying alive due to malaria. I look at my 9 month old and thank God everyday that he is healthy and perfect.

I have days like yesterday where I feel sorry for myself and then I pull myself up by my bootstraps and realize I live like a queen. I have a beautiful home I can clean. I have plenty of food to eat and give my kids. So much that I have to TRY to not eat so much. My family is healthy and I have health care I can afford.

I have a man who has never hurt me in a physical way, let alone ever called me a name. He kisses me goodbye everyday and prays with me yet I still find the energy to complain that he isn't home more. Sometimes I just want to yell at myself! "SHUT UP!!!" I say! Shut up and quit being a baby!!! Pull your head out of your #&* and do something positive!

That is what I did today. Today, I will count my blessings and do something for someone else rather than complain that I wear a size 14!!

Pitty Party

I really don't feel like writing anything. It has been one of those weeks. I feel tired, discouraged and irritable and I'm sure it's hormonal.

I screwed up my computer and had to take it in to get fixed. Those of you who know me will not be surprised at that. Although, in my defense, it has been a REALLY long time since I've done this.

Bry and I are always miffed at each other lately. It seems to be this way every spring. I don't know what it is, but this year, it could be that He has been sick forever and I am in pain somewhere in my body ALL THE TIME!!! It is getting old.

I found out I have to have a root canal on that one tooth that wont quit hurting. What a surprise. So, if I may complain for a moment, either my mouth is aching, which is frequent, or my neck hurts, for my foot hurts, or my sacrum is pinching, and if it is going to rain, my knees let me know that they want in on the game.

So, this morning, I am going to have a pitty party. I am NOT going to immediately get dressed or work out. I am going to sit at my computer like a lazy bum and play Warcraft! I am going to kill something and feel really good about it!!

Ebony and Ivory

Do you believe it is possible to live in a world where color is not noticed? I know it is. Let me tell you a little secret about me. I have always wanted that beautiful dark skin. Ever since I was a child I thought dark skin was more beautiful than light.

I wanted a handsome Indian man to whisk me off into the sunset. I still drool over black men's bodies. Is that OK to say here? I love the way they are built. It is different than a white mans body. I especially love a mix. A mix of anything brings the best of both worlds.

I still remember about 10 or so years ago, I was watching Oprah and she made a comment about being black. I said to myself, "Oh my gosh!!!!Oprah is black????" I had never noticed. It wasn't something I cared about. Everyone thought I was an idiot when I mentioned it!

I have tried to pass this on to my kids. Jacob's 2 best friends at school are black. They are brother and sister. He likes to play with the girl when he wants to be active outside because she likes to play actively. He hangs with the boy when they want to play game boy or something. In fact, they just gave Jake like 15 games for our Wii because theirs is broke and they got some new thing that doesn't take the same kind of games. Anyway, they are great kids and I love them. The girl is absolutely beautiful and I would not mind a bit if Jake decided to marry that girl. Think of my adorable grand kids!!

One of Heidi's best friends is a cute little black girl too. I can still remember her first day of school. I asked her if she had made any new friends in kindergarten and she named this little girl and said, "she has brown skin. I like it. I wish I had brown skin".

It warms my heart. My kids don't see others as different or unusual or scary. I love how they embrace others no matter the package they come in. I am so proud to have raised kids that DO NOT SEE COLOR as a barrier.

I have one other memory I want to share. When I was on my mission. I fell in love with the beautiful Latin babies with their long dark hair, caramel skin and dark eyes. I actually prayed for Heavenly Father to PLEASE send me Latin looking babies. I though Caucasian babies were so ugly with their white, pasty skin and bald heads! I don't admit that very often because I had one of those adorable bald, white babies! lol. But if I have to pick, I love a little color.

Anyway, this is what I think.

Hush

I am reading a new book. This book has really moved me. It is a heartbreaking story. One that makes you really feel what this girl is going through.

A quick overview of the story is this: This girls father witnessed the murder of a black boy by his 2 fellow white police officers. The story is about what this man and ultimately, his family go through when he decides to testify. The pain of being ostracized by his friends in the police force, the pain his wife and kids go through after they are torn away from their home and friends to live in a strange place with new names.

The depression the dad goes through at feeling like he needed to do what was right but feeling like it was so wrong.

His wife tries to find solace in joining the Jehovah Witnesses, and his daughters who are 13 and 15 and who struggle in making new friends, in a new school, and trying to remember the "new" facts about their lives.

I LOVE it so far.

New topic.

My husband and I had a discussion that actually turned in to an argument about the comments made by Obama's minister. I was reading about it and what his comments were and I am sure people will hate me for saying so, but I don't think that minister was that far off in some of his statements. I won't go in to detail but I too think our government is corrupt, I do think we get mad when people do bad things to us but it has never stopped the United States from doing the same things to others, no matter how justified we feel, other countries feel just as justified. That doesn't make it right but sometimes I think the US is a little snotty in it's attitude toward other countries. I have lived in another country and have an idea about their attitudes. Do I think we need to do something about terrorists? Yes. Do I think we should help those countries we are in now establish their governments? Yes. Do I support the dishonest things that are going on with this war at the same time? No. I wish I knew who was really telling the truth. Everyone lies it seems like. I hate it. Who do we believe??? Are they only trying to move themselves ahead or is there ANYONE who honestly is making good decisions because they believe it is RIGHT. I honestly don't know.

That is all I will say about that. I don't want to get in to a big debate, that is just my opinion and how I feel about it.

So anyway, the book is great. Give it a read.

Progress

Good afternoon friends. Well, my progress is moving smoothly in the reading of the B of M. I had to read 24 pages yesterday because I "forgot" the day before. I really love, and prefer to read the book of Mormon like a Novel. It keeps the story line together. I am amazed how much Nephi left out of his narrative though. I don't know all he left out, but my gut feeling is quite a bit. I do highlight what really touches me though.

I am surprised that I actually "get" the Isaiah part. It seems like in the past, it would go over my head. Especially when I read it in Spanish during my mission. I am SOOOO grateful I went on a mission. I think I learned so much more than I taught anyone one else. I also think it was a blessing in the fact that I married a convert who didn't go on one. He was 31 when he got baptized and we got married. The knowledge has been invaluable. It makes reading through so much more enjoyable because I don't get stuck wondering what something means. Not that I know everything, but it has been clear in my mind this time around.

My kids love seeing my read. It makes them want to read too. I love it. I feel happier and more relaxed during my day when I read too. It's funny how we forget that feeling when we let ourselves go for a while.

So, I was up all night coughing last night. Bry gave me his cold. It was terrible. I had to keep a cough drop in my mouth all night or I would cough. Swallowing made it worse! GRRRRR! I need lots of sleep to function so let me tell you, I'm not functioning today!

Well, that's all folks! See you later!