My life is "Inconclusive"

I hate it when nobody knows anything! Yesterday I went in and had an ultrasound. It didn't show much so my midwife sent me to get a vaginal ultra sound and it showed everything growing but a baby. They said it looked like I was about 4 weeks pregnant.

I know that is impossible. I know when I got pregnant etc... Although, I guess weirder things have happened. I had a blood test done to check my HGC levels. If they are really high, it would mean I am miscarrying, if they are low or "normal" than I could be having a tubal pregnancy or I am not as far along as I thought. It would put me about 2 to 3 weeks behind where I thought I was. What did that egg do for so long? Swim around for 2 weeks without a care in the world? Will a pregnancy test test positive if it hasn't implanted yet? I don't get it.

Anyway, I got my test results back this morning. My levels are at 3000. They say that is inconclusive. They want me to come back and have another blood test and ultrasound with the OB this time. He wasn't there yesterday.

This has been so stressful. Everyday thinking it is the last. I am still spotting a little bit. My midwife thought that maybe the placenta is low and that could cause bleeding for the whole pregnancy if that is the case.

So, poor Bryan missed work on Wednesday and says he will go with me again tomorrow morning. What a good guy. I just don't want to go alone.

He has been so sweet to me. Extra loving. He took me out to dinner and to a movie last night at the drop of a hat. We never go out on school nights but he felt I needed cheering up I guess.

We saw Ghost rider. I loved it. Well, I'll let you know the results later.

I really don't feel like writing today. I don't feel like doing anything today. I feel really depressed and if I didn't have so much to do, I would do nothing and just feel sorry for myself. I have been spotting for the last 2 days. Today will be the 3rd day if it keeps up.

I know it is common for women to spot but it is more common when spotting happens to lose the baby. I honestly don't know what will happen but it is hard to feel cheerful at the moment. I keep wondering if it is something I have done. In my brain I don't think it is. I have studied enough to know that at this point, if you are going to miscarry, it will just happen. But it is hard not to wonder if maybe I am exercising to hard or did I take something I shouldn't have or........

Anyway, this is my news. Sorry it is not more positive. I'll let you know what happens. In the meantime, I just want to sit here and ignore the rest of the world.

Who loves makeup? Most of us wear it. I know I look a heck of a lot better if I have it on. For the past 10 years I have sold Mary Kay. I don't do much of that anymore. I don't know what changed exactly but I got tired of driving long distances to sell nothing. People here love to wear makeup but at Walmart prices.

I had a decent customer base but it has slowly fizzled as I have. Makeup has started to bother my eyes. I still wear it on Sunday and specials days but my eyes feel so uncomfortable when I have eye makeup on.

The hubby says I don't need it but he sure notices and comments on how beautiful I look when I do wear it. What a quandary! Plus, I have become a little lazy. I don't feel like taking the effort to put it on and really, it only takes me minutes! I have gotten really good at being fast but is it worth the irritation to my eyes?

I love to feel dressed up and beautiful but is that what life is supposed to be about? I felt like I always had to look good. I felt I could never relax about it and I felt like I had to talk to every one about it to make my business grow. It was too stressful. I don't like people being afraid of me wanting to sell them something. I don't know. What to do. I have actually found an organic skin care that I like better and makes my skin softer. I still love the makeup but how can I sell something I don't use?!!! Oh well, time for change I guess. I never did it for the money anyway. I just loved the fun, friends and prizes.

Now I have all this product that I need to get rid of. Anyone was some Mary Kay? I am selling it for half price! Of course I am keeping what I like but there is plenty to go around!

I just read Charlotte's post about a dream she had and it got me thinking. I have ALWAYS had really great dreams. It' s like going to a free movie every night. Especially during pregnancy. The other night I dreamt I had had my baby. It was a girl. I realized 3 days later I had never fed her. I had totally forgotten. There was hardly any milk in me and I was freaking out! Come to find out, my sister, T had been nursing her without telling me because she didn't want me to feel bad! Weird!

That same night, I dreamt that I was trying to seduce some young 18 year old. Gorgeous guy. Made up of course. It never happened but man was I in the mood. You know how dreams are! That same night I also dreampt that we were at a restaurant where you cook your own food but you have to wait in line to do it. We were first and Bry was taking forever! He was cooking scrambled eggs with cheese, and steak, hash browns and bacon and sausage. I was so irritated that he was taking so long when there was a long line!! WEIRD! Any weird dreams you've had that stand out in your memories? It's one of my favorite subjects.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

I had a great lunch out at one of my favorite Chinese restaurants with Lisa. I LOVE to do lunch. I think I could eat out every meal! I had the Mongolian beef. I love spending time with friends. I love nurturing the relationships I have. I never used to be very good at that. The older I get, the more I appreciate the girlfriends I have. There are so many women out there that would benefit from having some gal pals to hang with.

I have a new, beautiful dent on the hood of my car. It really bothers me. I hit a chicken!! A stupid chicken!!! Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to heaven faster!!! I couldn't believe it. I even slowed down because I had a bad feeling when I saw it cross the road and then turn around to head back. Stupid, stupid birds!!! This was the first time I have killed something on the highway. I always see dead animals on the side of the road. When I first moved here, it really bothered me. I have grown used to it now. Sad. Except for the chickens. They are idiots!