I had an interesting experience a little bit ago and wanted to write about while it was fresh in my mind.

I am alone today. Bry took the big boys camping and then this morning, my brother in law called me up and talked me in to letting him come all the way up here to get Gabe and Heidi. They are going to keep them till tomorrow. It took a bit to get me to agree because I felt so weird and uncomfortable letting them go. I am so used to having them around that I feel naked when they're gone. You know what I mean? They left at 2pm.

I have had the afternoon alone and I soaked in the tub and read and relaxed and it was nice. The bad thing is that it gives me too much time to think. Maybe that is a good thing for most but not for me! I decided to go into town a rent a couple of movies and get something to eat and man it took effort. Every time I stand up I get dizzy and I just feel totally depleted. Sitting in the car was fine but walking around makes me light headed. Is it normal to feel this way a week after? I keep worrying that there is something else wrong.

I listened to Shrek while I drove because it is peppy and I like it. On the way home the song "hallelujah" came on. All of a sudden I started to sob and sobbed the whole way home. I had this deep, dark anger that came up that I had not felt so far. I bawled even while carrying in my stuff and continued until I felt like I was going to throw up.

My problem is so much smaller than most people's and yet I feel....I don't know. I can't describe it. I am so worried about this intestine thing they found. I am half tempted to do nothing about it.

After I got home and took in what I bought, I knew I was is a bad place. I had bought lemon danishes, 2 half gallons of ice cream, a whole, cooked chicken in herb and lemon and them bread and hamburger buns. All so healthy.

I sat in bed and ate the chicken like a barbarian and then one of the pastries and I have to admit. I feel better. I guess I am one of the people who eat to improve their mood. That explains the thighs.

Anyway, that is where I am. I think I'll go back to bed and watch men in black. That always makes me laugh. That Will Smith is Fine. I'd make out with him.

bath time

Hello there. I am feeling better today. The cold is better, the pain in my belly is better and no, I do not have a hot tub. I have a tub I fill with hot water!

Baths are a sacred ritual in my family. My mother trained all of us girls to love the tub! There are many days when I find I just can't face the day. A good soak in the tub can change my outlook on everything. I don't know why or how it works but just thinking about it makes me want to take another and it's not even noon!

I will pass on this tradition. Actually, I think I already have. When I tell my 11 yr old to get in the shower, he begs me to let him take a bath instead. He loves to soak. Every morning both Heidi and Gabe want to take a bath before I can even open my eyes.

I think the Greeks and Romans had it right. Thank heavens for baths and bathing in all it's forms.

I have caught a cold. I think I could feel better without it! Coughing is rough on the the incisions. The runny nose is just plain irritating. The headache throws me. I don't know if it comes from being propped up in bed for so long, the cold or my neck being out of alignment. It doesn't really matter. It still hurts.

Poor me. I just want to feel sorry for myself today but I am tired of that. It gets old.

I did soak in a hot tub this morning. That was nice. I took Chronicler's advice and started a new book by James Patterson. I really like him. Good mystery and good sex. I need that since I'm not getting any.

I'm back

I can only sit here for a few minutes. I had surgery Friday night. I went in and had all the symptons of a tubal pregnancy and The doc wouldn't let me go home. I was in surgery within the next half hour.

They did not find a tubal pregnancy but did find a few other intereseting things. One, I have some unuaual looking small intestines in places. He didn't know if it was something to worry about or not but in some places, it looked really different. He wants me to see a GI specialist to be sure.

It is the left side of my body that is the most screwed up with my birth defects and the other thing they found was that my left falopian tube does not not curl back down like it is supposed to. I just keeps going up and disappears. Just gets smaller and smaller. The left ovary is way up by my kidney. So that explains why it takes so long to get pregnant. I only have the chance every other month! SO WEIRD. He told me I ought to make sure I even have a left kidney to just be sure.

So, now I am sore and living on Percoset. The stuff wigs me out. I try to take as little as possible. Well, got to go. I'm tired and my incisions are feeling a little sore. This is really messing up my training schedual. Bye now.

OH MY WORD! I was a music major and know the power of music but I was astounded this morning. I have a new mp3 player that I got from Tash. She and her husband had ipods drop into their laps (literally) so she gave me her old mp3.

I made a running mix, which was hard because you have to get the tempo just right and I even used my metronome and still, some of the songs were too fast or too slow. ANYWAY...I ran for 1.5 miles WITHOUT stopping because of the music! I haven't done that in over a year I think! The music made it go by so fast and I didn't concentrate of the fact that I felt tired or whatever.

The beach boys and Ricki Martin had the best songs for my pace. It was so cool! I usually just turn on the tv, get on the treadmill and suffer through it. This time, I felt like I was on a high the whole time. It was great fun! Ya'll have to try it!

More news. I had to go in for a blood test yesterday to make sure my numbers are going down with the miscarriage I am going through. Well, the numbers went up 1000 points. It has the doctor worried that I could be having a tubal after all, although I have no pain there. I may need a D&C. who knows. They can't do another shot so even though the miscarriage is progressing (and that is all I'll say without embarrassing myself). I still may need the surgery. I hate this. What a gross time to have a vaginal ultra sound which is what the doc is planning on doing. UGGG.