Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Can you go for a challenge?

Have you ever wanted to do something really bad but it scared the crap out of you? Jeri wants to do this triathlon with me. Now it comes down to my real commitment. Am I willing to do the work? EE GADS!!! I don't know if I can do it! If I have someone to come in last with I could do it! If I train now I can do it! Can I get good enough in 3 months?

That seems so fast! I don't know! I don't know! I don't know!!! Should I? shouldn't I? SCREAM!!! IT would be so exciting and fun! Would it kill me? Oh my gosh! I think we should GO FOR IT!!!! Why not? You only live once and I am tired of living my life being afraid of taking chances.

I have always wanted my world to be safe and relatively easy. When I die, I want to feel like I gave my all. Did my best, Stretched and took on what most people never would. This could be my "Everest" this year!

I truly believe it is important to reach for the stars. So when am I going to do that? Yes, there is a chance I could look like an idiot. Yes, there is a chance of...who knows what? But my kids will know that I am not afraid. I am not afraid of a challenge and of pushing myself to the limit!

Can you tell I am trying to pump myself up?

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Winter wonderland

It is a winter wonderland outside. Today, everything brown and ugly is gone. Heidi's ballet was cancelled because of the bad roads. I guess we'll just hole up and stay warm.

I ran this morning again today. Did a little better than yesterday. Little by little. I looked up that site Jeri gave me of the triathlon and that looks so fun! The mini one looks doable. I think it would be fun to do with some friends. Any takers? I would be kind of nervous to do it alone because I am a chicken, but I would love to have company. Misery always loves company.

My bishop brought me a giant loaf of bread yesterday. It is wonderful. It was home made and is already half gone! My kids LOVE white bread because I never buy it. I buy the whole grain stuff with nuts and seeds in it. The kind that actually has some flavor. Anyway, my little chilis eat up white bread as though it were cake and I have to admit, I love the home made stuff too. He told me how his wife had that problem where her body rejects the baby. They got 3 kids but it was rough each time. That would be terrible.

Gabe is really sick and laying in my bed. He's miserable. I hate to be sick. I kind of like it when he isn't feeling great though, because he is so much easier and mellower. Isn't that terrible for a mother to say!? Oh well. I never said I was a saint.

Time to go. I have laundry to do! Fun Fun Fun!!!

Monday, February 26, 2007

A brand new day!

Well, As Lisa'a phone used to say, "It's a brand new day"! I am feeling good. I got up, worked out, which was hard. I am so out of shape since I'd quit running when I started spotting. It will get better though.

Cleaned my room, did some laundry, need to clean the kitchen but I am avoiding that. The basement is a disaster as I let so many things go while I was pregnant. I just felt so tired. I am getting my energy back which I am excited about.

My brothers- in-law are doing a mini triathlon this summer. I'd love to do that but I might drown. I know I could do the 5k, I know I could bike 7 miles if it were flat the whole way!! But the swimming thing? It think it's a half mile. It is 800 meters. How far is that? Anyway, I think I will just try to do a 5k that I can run all the way through without walking.

I love this time of year. It is that time of year that makes me wan to run and me fit. I love the springtime and that itch to move. Maybe I'll try the pregnancy thing thing again sometime but I don't know. We'll see. In the mean time, I am going to become a fitness guru! I just need a goal to work toward. Something to wrap my mind around. So there it is.

Sunday, February 25, 2007

Yes, you are at the right place. I needed something new. I needed something different and beautiful and Lisa gave me the idea.

I have been a hermit and I feel bad. A lot of people have been calling me and I just ignore the phone. I don't feel like I am really depressed or anything, I just don't want to talk to anyone. I just want to be alone. Tomorrow I will I will start to be me again. I wanted the weekend off.

I feel like an awful person for ignoring people. I just cant socialize and entertain right now. I don't want company and the only people I have had contact with are those who just show up on my front door and can't tell to go away! But I have really appreciated those who did stop by.

Nat brought me flowers and visited and we played with the pups for a while. My sister T came and made dinner and ice cream sundays. We even played phase 10 for a while. By 8 I was dead and they had to leave anyway. I was so grateful for her visit. Little sister S called and offered me a free massage, (she is a massage therapist. A REALLY good one by the way) except I had decided not to go down that way today like we had planned last week. I hope I can get a rain check on that one.

Anyway, Bry seems worried and keeps asking if I am OK like I'm suicidal or something. How ridiculous. I just want to be sad for a couple of days. I will be fine. I am not that fragile. Unfortunately. Sometimes I would love to have and excuse to just be nuts. Instead, I get to only be nuts once in a while, except when I am around family. Then I do feel nuts then but it's normal!

Thanks for all you guys do. Your comments make my day. I sure love you all.

Saturday, February 24, 2007

Well friends, it's over. Bry and I spent the whole day at the doctor's and we were exhausted. To make a long story short. There is no baby. It looked like it was a defective egg according to the doc that implanted and got the ball rolling but never developed.

They thought it was a tubal pregnancy there for a while and can't completely rule that out but I had no tenderness or pain there. They gave me a shot to hurry up the process. Otherwise it could take 2 to 3 weeks to finish. I guess my body had started to get it when it started to spot, but was still trying to hang on.

I'm ok. Sometimes I cry and sometimes I am really mad about it. Most of the time I just don't want to talk about it. I just want to be quiet. I think there are those of you out there that know what I mean. I just want silence. I REALLY don't want to go to church tomorrow. There are some there who knew I was pregnant but I hadn't really officially announced it yet since it was so early still. I do know that people knew who I hadn't told. It's amazing how fast news spreads. Anyway, I just don't want to go and have people ask about it.

The process of elimination could start any time anyway and I definitely don't want to be out and about when it does. I want to just curl up in my big bed and watch the Oscars.

My sweet friend who knew what was happening brought us dinner, 2 other friends shared the day in watching my 2 little kids. What a blessing my close friends are. They are like sisters who I can impose on and not feel bad. It's days like these when I wish my sisters lived closer but thank heaven for the gift of pseudo sisters!

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. It means a lot and I am doing well considering. I have a wonderful family who is catering to my every need! Love to you all and remember, when your life is bad, there is always someone out there who has it worse.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

My life is "Inconclusive"

I hate it when nobody knows anything! Yesterday I went in and had an ultrasound. It didn't show much so my midwife sent me to get a vaginal ultra sound and it showed everything growing but a baby. They said it looked like I was about 4 weeks pregnant.

I know that is impossible. I know when I got pregnant etc... Although, I guess weirder things have happened. I had a blood test done to check my HGC levels. If they are really high, it would mean I am miscarrying, if they are low or "normal" than I could be having a tubal pregnancy or I am not as far along as I thought. It would put me about 2 to 3 weeks behind where I thought I was. What did that egg do for so long? Swim around for 2 weeks without a care in the world? Will a pregnancy test test positive if it hasn't implanted yet? I don't get it.

Anyway, I got my test results back this morning. My levels are at 3000. They say that is inconclusive. They want me to come back and have another blood test and ultrasound with the OB this time. He wasn't there yesterday.

This has been so stressful. Everyday thinking it is the last. I am still spotting a little bit. My midwife thought that maybe the placenta is low and that could cause bleeding for the whole pregnancy if that is the case.

So, poor Bryan missed work on Wednesday and says he will go with me again tomorrow morning. What a good guy. I just don't want to go alone.

He has been so sweet to me. Extra loving. He took me out to dinner and to a movie last night at the drop of a hat. We never go out on school nights but he felt I needed cheering up I guess.

We saw Ghost rider. I loved it. Well, I'll let you know the results later.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

I really don't feel like writing today. I don't feel like doing anything today. I feel really depressed and if I didn't have so much to do, I would do nothing and just feel sorry for myself. I have been spotting for the last 2 days. Today will be the 3rd day if it keeps up.

I know it is common for women to spot but it is more common when spotting happens to lose the baby. I honestly don't know what will happen but it is hard to feel cheerful at the moment. I keep wondering if it is something I have done. In my brain I don't think it is. I have studied enough to know that at this point, if you are going to miscarry, it will just happen. But it is hard not to wonder if maybe I am exercising to hard or did I take something I shouldn't have or........

Anyway, this is my news. Sorry it is not more positive. I'll let you know what happens. In the meantime, I just want to sit here and ignore the rest of the world.

Friday, February 16, 2007

Who loves makeup? Most of us wear it. I know I look a heck of a lot better if I have it on. For the past 10 years I have sold Mary Kay. I don't do much of that anymore. I don't know what changed exactly but I got tired of driving long distances to sell nothing. People here love to wear makeup but at Walmart prices.

I had a decent customer base but it has slowly fizzled as I have. Makeup has started to bother my eyes. I still wear it on Sunday and specials days but my eyes feel so uncomfortable when I have eye makeup on.

The hubby says I don't need it but he sure notices and comments on how beautiful I look when I do wear it. What a quandary! Plus, I have become a little lazy. I don't feel like taking the effort to put it on and really, it only takes me minutes! I have gotten really good at being fast but is it worth the irritation to my eyes?

I love to feel dressed up and beautiful but is that what life is supposed to be about? I felt like I always had to look good. I felt I could never relax about it and I felt like I had to talk to every one about it to make my business grow. It was too stressful. I don't like people being afraid of me wanting to sell them something. I don't know. What to do. I have actually found an organic skin care that I like better and makes my skin softer. I still love the makeup but how can I sell something I don't use?!!! Oh well, time for change I guess. I never did it for the money anyway. I just loved the fun, friends and prizes.

Now I have all this product that I need to get rid of. Anyone was some Mary Kay? I am selling it for half price! Of course I am keeping what I like but there is plenty to go around!

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

I just read Charlotte's post about a dream she had and it got me thinking. I have ALWAYS had really great dreams. It' s like going to a free movie every night. Especially during pregnancy. The other night I dreamt I had had my baby. It was a girl. I realized 3 days later I had never fed her. I had totally forgotten. There was hardly any milk in me and I was freaking out! Come to find out, my sister, T had been nursing her without telling me because she didn't want me to feel bad! Weird!

That same night, I dreamt that I was trying to seduce some young 18 year old. Gorgeous guy. Made up of course. It never happened but man was I in the mood. You know how dreams are! That same night I also dreampt that we were at a restaurant where you cook your own food but you have to wait in line to do it. We were first and Bry was taking forever! He was cooking scrambled eggs with cheese, and steak, hash browns and bacon and sausage. I was so irritated that he was taking so long when there was a long line!! WEIRD! Any weird dreams you've had that stand out in your memories? It's one of my favorite subjects.

Monday, February 12, 2007

Why did the chicken cross the road?

I had a great lunch out at one of my favorite Chinese restaurants with Lisa. I LOVE to do lunch. I think I could eat out every meal! I had the Mongolian beef. I love spending time with friends. I love nurturing the relationships I have. I never used to be very good at that. The older I get, the more I appreciate the girlfriends I have. There are so many women out there that would benefit from having some gal pals to hang with.

I have a new, beautiful dent on the hood of my car. It really bothers me. I hit a chicken!! A stupid chicken!!! Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to heaven faster!!! I couldn't believe it. I even slowed down because I had a bad feeling when I saw it cross the road and then turn around to head back. Stupid, stupid birds!!! This was the first time I have killed something on the highway. I always see dead animals on the side of the road. When I first moved here, it really bothered me. I have grown used to it now. Sad. Except for the chickens. They are idiots!

Saturday, February 10, 2007

New, very fun meme

another darling meme from Charlotte.. I love how these spread like wildfire!

What is your occupation? homemaker
>When was the last time you cried? I can't remember but it wasn't that long ago. Everything makes me cry lately.

>What are you afraid of? I am afraid of evil spirits after I have seen a scary movie.

>Do you like banana sandwiches? No

>What are you listening to right now? KT Tunsdell
>What was the last thing you ate? a stuffed pepper and green jello

>Do you wish on stars? yes
>If you were a color, what would you be? Yellow, no blue, no green!

>What is the weather right now? beautiful, but a little on the cold side

Last person you spoke to on the phone? some idiot salesman who wouldn't give up. I finally hung up on him. I hate those guys.

>Do you like the person who sent this to you? Love her!
>How old are you today? 36
>Have you ever dyed your hair? HELLO! You don't think I look this good naturally do you?
>Do you wear contacts, or glasses? Not anymore

>Favorite month? September
Favorite food? Do I have to pick? I love it all
>What was the last movie you watched? Twisted

>Favorite day of the year? the 4th of July

>What do you do to vent anger? I like to go for a run. Sometimes I lock my door and watch tv until I cool down.

>What was your favorite toy as a child? My friend Mandy
>Fall or Spring? Fall
>Hugs or kisses? well, it's difficult to really kiss without hugging so I would have to go with the latter.

>Cherry or Blueberry? definatly blue berries
>Do you want your friends to e-mail you back? No, I want them to blog!!!!!

>Who is most likely to respond? Lisa and Yolanda

>Who is least likely to respond? who cares?

>What is on the floor of your closet? a box of nursing puppies
>Who is the friend you have had the longest? I would say Jeri and Charlotte are the oldest that I keep in contact with.
>Plain, cheese or spicy hamburger? I would rather have pizza

>Favorite car? 69 ford mustang convertible. red please.

>Favorite dog breed? At the moment. None

>Number of keys on your key ring? that would require me to get up and look
>How many years at your current job? 12 years

>How many states have you lived in? 2

>How many cities have you lived in? 8

>How are you dressed? fuzzy socks, birks, jeans and a peasant blouse

>How many countries have you traveled to? 2

>When is your Birthday? Info I won't put on the computer but I will say it's in July. The best month of the year, except for September. HA!
I had a funny conversation with the hubby last night. He made the comment that ever since I had "found out" that I was pregnant, that I was acting different. Insinuating that I was being different on purpose. I had to laugh. Yea, I am faking being exhausted all the time and I am faking bigger boobs too!

I keep thinking of Chroniclers comment about how now the waiting begins. I have never been good at waiting. This part takes so long. I wish I would be like Cookie and deliver a healthy baby in 2 months! So far so good though. I am not sick yet. Normally, I am sick the whole time. I do feel really tired most of the time and I have to force myself to get on the treadmill (which I am doing pretty good at, by the way) I can't sleep the whole night through and I pee alot but other than those things, I feel great.

I would say that the only things that are really different is that I have no problem saying what I really think and I can't stand my big dogs. I can't take their dirty, smelly selves around me.

We get our taxes done today. That is always a big adventure. When you have your own business, tax day is always a day of fasting and prayer! We always pray that we won't have to pay anything!

It has been so sunny and beautiful lately. I am so ready for summer and swimming and being FAT! There is nothing more exciting than throwing on the swim suit and running for the pool. My kids love it and so do I. We have a really great community pool here. There are slides for the little kids, a big water slide for big people and it has a huge sloping area for toddlers and a big deep end for the brave of heart! My problem is that all 4 of my kids usually want to be in a different part of the pool all at the same time!

I got my hair done the other day. Nothing better than feeling beautiful. So off I go to get beautiful for the day!

Monday, February 05, 2007

A new meme

This is a meme from Charlotte. I thought I would put it here instead of an email.

1. What time did you get up this morning? Which time? The 2 times I had to pee or when Heidi came in because she was scared at 4 am or when Bry got up or when the boys came in?

2. Diamonds or pearls? either

3. Single/married/committed? married with children

4. What was the last film you saw at the theater? Aurthur and the invisibles

5. What is your favorite TV Show? House and Heroes

6. What did you have for breakfast? bran cereal and a left over pork rib. Don't ask.

7. What is your middle name? Judith, after my mom

8. What is your favorite cuisine? Mexican

9. What foods do you dislike? brussel sprouts

10. Favorite Chips? plain old chips. Although i do like sour cream and onion flavored

ll. Favorite CDs? No favorite. I love everything

l2. What kind of car do you drive? Murcury Villager

l3. Favorite sandwich? Turkey, ham and swiss with sprouts and avacato from Cutrler's

14. What characteristics do you despise in others? people who are fake

15. What is your favorite clothing? my dark green long johns

l6. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation? Italy, first, then a million other places

17. What color are your eyes? blue

l8. Favorite Fashion Brand: Oh, Walmart all the way!!! (do you suspect sarcasm?)

l9. Where would you want to retire to? right where I am or possibly on a beach house on the Oregon coast.

20. Favorite time of day? mornings. I feel best between 10 and 12 noon

2l. Where were you born? Eugene, Oregon

22. Favorite sport to watch? how about NONE

23. Who do you least expect to send this back? hmmm

24. Person you expect to send it back first? Lisa on her blog

25. Coke or Pepsi? I detest pop of any kind. It gives me gas.

26. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with everyone? Already did it on my last post!

27. What did you want to be when you were little? a vet

28. What is your best childhood memory? camping with the family at Gratite Flats

29. Did you ever skip school? I never sluffed but I did play sick a lot in elementary school

30. Who was your best friend in school? Which school? I had Evelyn Gayler in elementary school

3l. Piercing? ears. 3 on the left and one on the right. I let the two top grow back on the left after Pres. Hinkley told us to not have more than one hole. That was a definite struggle for me. but I did it.

32. Ever been to Africa ? No

33. Ever been toilet papering? Yes

4. Been in a car accident? Yep. A car full of missionaries rear ended me and my roommates. Boy were they in trouble!

35. Favorite day of the week? Saturday

36. Favorite restaurant? Olive Garden

37. Favorite flower? love them all!

38. Favorite flavor of ice cream? vanilla You can add anything to it to make it even better!

39. How many times did you fail your drivers license? None

40. Before this one, from whom did you get your last e-mail? Natasha

41. What store would you choose to max out your credit card? I would have to say RC Willey!

42. Bedtime? 10:00pm I am not a night person. I always fell asleep first at slumber parties!

43. Who are you most curious about their responses to this questionnaire?

44. Last person you went out to dinner with? Bryan and our friends Rob and Jen

45. What are you listening to right now? tv

46. What are your favorite colors? have no favorite. I love them all

47. How many tattoos do you have? none

48. How many people are you sending this e-mail to? everyone who blogs. Tag! You're it!

49. Favorite movie of all time? The count of Monte Cristo

50. Favorite book? Can't pick that one.

Good News

OK! I can't take it any more! It is not possible for me to keep my big mouth shut! I have nothing I want to write about but this!

I am having a baby!!!

It's official! We were going to wait a little longer before I announced it but I can't ! I have never been about to wait!

I started to think there was something wrong with me at first because I felt so tired. I couldn't run the length and time I usually do, I felt tired all the time and I had to pee constantly. I thought I was sick.

When I was late, I decided to take a test to be sure but I KNEW it would be negative. It always is. Well folks, it was a positive! Bry is as excited as I am. I was nervous to tell him because we had talked about it and he wasn't all for it but he knew we weren't using protection so I am not all to blame! It takes two! He was really happy though. I think there is this stigma now days that if you act like you want a big family, you are looked down on. I almost feel like I have to act like it's a surprise!

Well, it's not! I wanted this baby! I knew I was supposed to have him. I had an experience about 5 months ago where this feeling came to me that I would get pregnant and it would be a boy and I was even told what I should name him. After that, I got my IUD out but nothing happened. I was so sure of my message that I was flabbergasted that I didn't get pregnant right away. I started to think I had made it all up. It is hard getting used to the fact that our time is not the Lord's time. I always expect things to happen immediately when I get messages like these.

Anyway, we are thrilled. It's all I think about. That means it will feel like forever until he is born.

Friday, February 02, 2007

For Mom

Yesterday was the 12th anniversary of my mom's death. Weird that it has been that long and yet it seems like yesterday that we were together.

It's funny now to me how alike we are. Back in the olden days when someone said I was just like mom, I would take it as an insult. Now that I am am a little older, a mother myself, I can see what an amazing woman she really was.

She didn't get much credit as there were a lot of family problems with my dad's violet temper at the time. She would get blamed and we believed it. There is a lot more to the story as there always is but how I wish I could know her as an adult.

My 2 older sisters had that privilege. I wish we could spend time now getting to know each other. we never got along when we were together. I don't know why but I felt like she was too nit picky and perfectionistic. She was a pure blue, and so I guess she was a perfectionist!

She was born May 15, 1935. Actually, that is not true! She was raised to believe her birthday was the 15th but when she was older and needed a copy of her birth certificate, it said she had been born on the 16th! She couldn't believe her mom would get it wrong. It bothered her the rest of her life!

She was chosen valedictorian at the U of U but was too sick to do it. She was amazing. She had brown hair that was thin and would never do what she wanted. She had no talent in putting on makeup or picking out cute clothes. We would tease her about it and she was such a good sport. She would wear those terrible polyester pants with the elastic waistband and seam down the front! Even then, they were ugly!

She had light blue eyes. The same color and blue quartz. She had wide hips and no boobs. Just like her daughters! Why did she had to pass on that trait? She loved music but didn't have a lot of talent in that area but that didn't stop her! She would sing at the top of her voice and dance around the room. I take it back. She did have a wonderful talent where music is concerned. She was a wonderful ball room dancer and my parents did a lot of that!

She would turn up polka music full blast to wake us up on Saturday mornings. That used to drive my crazy. Now it makes me cry. I would give anything for her to do that now.

To all you people out there who have a mother that drives you crazy, interferes in your life, bosses you around and still treats you like a child, call that wild woman up today ant tell her how much you love her. It may be too late one day.